My 18 & 20 year olds are disrespectful & silent

[Hatrae2]

I have a 18 year old son & 20 year old daughter.

They are great kids- can work hard, speak respectfully & kindly with confidence to other people, if they are asked to help someone they do their best, they are kind friendly kids to the extended family & mean as snot to me & their dad & younger siblings.

Oldest is getting married- We set a certain amount for wedding- she never said thank you, zero gratitude, if I ask her something she glares at me- no communication. If I joke around with her, she snaps at me- I feel like I've been walking on eggshells for about 8 months now with her IN MY OWN HOME!

My 18 year old son doesn't speak to us. He has a dream, he says he's working on it- so he studies a lot- he's not in school, he won't get a job, he won't buy a vehicle, because he's trying to get into real-estate, which he is doing- waiting on a appraisal, however, he stays in his room most always, doesn't speak much to us, says he can't learn from us, because he doesn't like how we are as he's trying to learn from millionaire real-estate guru's (which I've encouraged) but now it seems a little out of hand.

They both will do what we ask them to, but nothing on their own & they definitely hold bitterness & grudges. They say we don't understand their feelings yet they continue to treat us like crap.

Am I missing something? Any advice? Anyone else experienced the silent treatment & uglyness at this stage???

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @Hatrae2 

So sorry you're going through this, it would be very upsetting that both your children are behaving in this way. It would be horrible to feel like you're walking on eggshells in your own home. Do you think they have any awareness of how this behaviour is making you feel? Is this a conversation you could have with them?

I'm wondering if this is something that has been going on for a long time? I'm also interested in what @danphill has said about teenagers being rude at this age and if you agree? 

I imagine there is also a lot of stress in the family with a wedding coming up - I really feel for you there!  We have got some content on family conflict that could have a couple of tips in it to check out about having these tricky conversations. Let us know if you find it helpful 

[Hatrae2]

Thank you!

[Hatrae2]

Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts & feedback! It sure has been trying! While I do believe and agree that teenagers go through various stages, as I've witnessed my 13 began! Yes I have a 13 year old too !🤪 It just doesn't feel acceptable with my older ones...at this point (have to be here). They both know how we feel, as this has been going on a long time unfortunately.

Example- my daughter works at a camp, we went there for dinner last night, she says hi to her Dad, gives him a hug, mumbles hi to me and goes on. She comes and sits to eat with us, holding her conversation with him only the whole time. She parks in front of the garage after being asked repeatedly not to, leaves her trash in the floors, in my car, etc... nobody picks up after themselves! Nobody!! We have to tell our 18 & 20 yr olds to clean up after themselves. And these kids can be responsible- we've seen them! Just not at home & particularly her with me. She crafted some pictures for a children's class she's helping teach this summer in the living room floor & before going to bed I find glitter all over my rug & chair - I told her to vacuum it at 10:30 that night! I didn't care if she was asleep or not! It's exhausting! Her disrespect is so harsh & trying! Then my sons new thing is to smile- that's it! He might have just been asked to mow the yard 3 times & upon the 3rd time, I'm frustrated- he then goes to do it just as though no biggie! All it happy & great🤦🏼‍♀️

[Hatrae2]

Thanks for the info! I'm checking it out now!

[Hatrae2]

WOW! Very good information! Thanks so much for sharing!!

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @Hatrae2, thanks for your response. I am sorry to hear that it has been going on for a long time and that you don't think it is age-related behaviour. The situation that you are in sounds really difficult and like it has been exhausting you. Are there some ways that you take care of yourself?

I can tell that you are really doing your best to try and set boundaries with your children. I am wondering about what happens when you try to talk to your children about their behaviour?

[Ousais]

 Do you think they have any awareness of how this behaviour is making you feel? Is this a conversation you could have with them?