Need someone to talk to about my daughters first love and sex.

[Hoag2]

My 14 year old daughter has a boyfriend that I would consider her first love. He is a good kid and I like him. This is a whole new world for me as my 19 year old son never discussed his love life with me.
The boyfriend is 2 years older. He has only had 1 other girlfriend and I am pretty positive that all aspects of this relationship is completely new to both of them. As in They were each others first kiss, both virgins etc. Just a bit of background here.
I know that they have talked about going further physically and she has said that she isn't ready. He tells her that he would never push her to do anything that she doesn't want and that he would never do anything to hurt her. I have asked (and read messages) her if they have done more than kissed and she says no.
I plan on putting her on birth control asap as to just be prepared. I am surprisingly calm about this situation. I have talked to her about every aspect of sex that I can possibly think of. She is as educated about it as I can make her. She knows that I don't condone it but that I am realistic enough to know that I can't prevent it.
I guess I just need someone to be my sounding board here. I can't talk to anyone close to us because I don't want them knowing her business. My husband doesn't want to know any specifics.
This boy is sweet as can be to her. I don't think I could have handpicked a better person. He treats her with respect, cares about her and wants to protect her.
I dont know if I should be worried and concerned or respect the situation as they are being very mature about it. Calm...yet freaked out.

[Ruffhead]

hi, personaly being a mother of an 18 year old and having been 14 myself once, I would let her know that as soon as she thinks she wants to have sex she should go on the pill. She also needs to know that there are a lot of sexually transmitted things that can cause infertility in her future, SO, nomatter how sweet this boy is, she should use condoms and know how to put them on. Don't trust the boy.  GOOD LUCK. its great she talks to you. 

[Hoag2]

I have made an appointment for birth control tomorrow. Wasn't expecting to get one so quickly. And she knows that both birth control and condoms are needed.

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @Hoag2 and welcome to ReachOut

You are more than welcome to use these forums as your sounding board, it's what we're here for  

It's great that you are trusting of your daughter and her choices. First loves and first time having sex can be scary but important time for some people and having a supportive parent can make all the difference. 

I hope that the appointment goes well tomorrow, it's fantastic that you were able to get one so quickly! Good luck

[Dad4good]

Hi @Hoag2,

Sound like you have a wonderful relationship with both your daughter and her boyfriend!!!

Its a sensitive topic and people will naturally differ in their view points about the matter. Personally, I think you are doing a great job. I agree with @Ruffhead about birth control (and great that you have booked in so quickly) and talking through the 'condom issue' with your daughter (never expect a teenage boy to have this sorted out!) and I agree that it is a great time to discuss STI's (using an educative approach rather than as a fear tactic).

You may also want to show her how to go about using condoms. A while back I took my son to the supermarket, showed him how to buy condoms, and using marker (only thing I had available . . .) showed him how to put it on. Never assume your young person will know 'how' to do these things and self-efficacy is a major factor in their choice of behavior for these sort of things.

Best of luck, I hope it all works out well for you and your family

[Hoag2]

He has told her multiple times that he would never push her to do anything that made her uncomfortable (and he has not). Last week he got really mad at himself because he wanted to go further (she had no idea because he didn't try anything) and he got really upset with himself over it. It took her a couple of hours for him to finally tell her what was wrong with him. He was afraid she would think badly of him. Her response to the problem was that those thoughts are normal for a teenage boy and that he needed to remember the 2 year difference in ages. Her opinion was no different of him. I am impressed with the maturity level that they are showing through this subject. I'm a lot calmer that I thought I would be BUT sometimes my anxiety shoots through the roof. Am I a bad parent because I am not freaking out? I am not encouraging this but not trying to keep them apart. Am I a fool for trusting that they are maturely figuring this out for themselves? I think my anxiety comes from the parenting aspect. I pray I am doing the right things. And scared that I am not.

[Dad4good]

Hey @Hoag2,

I can hear your struggle. I recommend giving parentline a call. I have found them very useful when it comes to those parent issues where there is no clear answer (usually because its more about trying to understand our own value system and what baggage that brings to the situation). Again, I think you are doing a great job, and that its normal to have the worries you are experiencing with this issue. You're not alone!!!  

[Hoag2]

@Dad4good
Thank you much. I guess I am just questioning my judgement on the situation. I don't particularly want my daughter having sex but feel like it would not be realistic of me to believe that it isnt going to happen. I too was a teenager once and remember those years clearly. Which is why we are doing birth control. It is a struggle to feel like I am not giving her the green light. She knows that I am not. Just praying that this isnt bad parenting on my part. I am oddly at peace with the knowledge that this may happen sooner than I would like. That is what weirds me out. Lol

[Dad4good]

Hi @Hoag2,

Yah its tricky isn't it. You don't want to give the message that you condone the sex, but you also want to make sure she is going about it safely. Perhaps you could have a conversation about this (i.e., let her know how you are feeling)? Do you think she would understand?

[Hoag2]

We have had extensive conversations on the subject. I believe she is as educated as she can possibly be. Left no stone unturned. There isnt anything that I can think of that we haven't talked about. I think that I have just been freaked out about the fact that I am pretty calm about all of this and thinking that there must be something wrong with me because I am calm. Lol