Parenting across country

[DB602]

After moving across country last year, we ended up having to send our daughter back home to live with my parents (her grandparents) as she didnt settle in our new city. She has been doing very well at school (she missed almost 7 months of school as she refused to attend over here), she has made new friends (whoch was the major reason she refused to go to school here) and is even back playing sport however, at home she has become aggressive towards her grandparents and other family members. She will yell and scream at anyone she feels is being unfair to her (which could be as simple as her Nana not buying her the food she wants to eat or someone not taking her to a friedns house when she demands to be taken) and its now getting to the point where we are afraid to let her stay there as we are concerned she will push and hurt her grandfather. We dont know how to help my parents and our daughter other than to move her out. Im afraid that this will make her feel unwanted or unloved, as she has some of those feelings towards us (although it was something she requested and that we sat down and spoke about with her on numerous occassions before she went) Our intention was to get her home for each holiday break however, with the restrictions of covid 19, she is on the other side of the country and hasnt been home since she left in November last year. Im not sure what to do and feel like ive failed her. Is there anything you would suggest?

[JohnMorrow]

It's hard to say without more details. How old is your daughter? And has she always been defiant and angry when she hasn't gotten her way? 

[Janine-RO]

Hi @DB602 , 

That sounds like such a tough situation for you and your family, especially with the current covid-19 restrictions making it much more difficult to easily visit each other. 

I'm just wondering how old your daughter is? You mention that you're worried that she will push and hurt her grandfather, has she ever been physically violent before?  How are your parents feeling about all of this?

Family conflict can be really common with teenagers, and it sounds like your daughter has had a lot of change in her life over the last year, you've mentioned that she has talked about feeling unwanted and unloved - do you think she may be lashing out partly because of these feelings? 

It sounds like it could be really helpful for everyone to be in the same place and have a discussion about boundaries and behaviour at home - are you in a position to be able to visit your daughter for a weekend at the moment? We also have some great resources on helping teens to deal with famliy conflict, that you can check out here.

I can hear how much you love your daughter, and I imagine that this must have been a really difficult year for you. If you think having a chat to a third party would help, we do offer a free one to one parent support service where you can talk to an experienced child and family professional- you can access that here. 

Please keep us posted on how you're going - thinking of you and your family