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Strongly disliking my stepson

Strongly disliking my stepson

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Casual scribe
Solo_mama

Strongly disliking my stepson

I am new to this but decided to post because I am at a loss lately. I hate that I feel like I just strongly dislike/may even hate my 14 year old stepson anymore. It definitely has had an impact on my relationship with the entire family I feel. Let me start from the beginning.

We are blended family and have been for 9 years. I have a bio son the same age(14), three stepchildren (14,13,10) a daughter with my husband (3) and am currently expecting another baby girl. We have full custody of all of my stepchildren. Not through the courts but their bio mother was in the picture periodically and then disappeared for months and then back for short periods and now has not really been any part of their life for the past 4-5 years. I have raised my youngest stepdaughter since she was 1 years old. When their bio mom was around she just tried to make kids happy by letting them do whatever they wanted. My 13 year old stepdaughter hated it. And now to this day does not want to have anything to do with her bio mother. My relationships with my stepdaughters are pretty decent (obviously a bit different than my bio children but not bad).

When it comes to my stepson we have always had problems and I’m at the point where I just can’t hardly stand him anymore. I know he has struggled with the fact that his mother is just not part of his life. I have never tried to throw that in his face or talk badly about her. I have tried to be there for him as much as I could. However, I am not going to let him run the house here. It has been a struggle from rules in the household to grades and always being behind at school. When he was with his bio mom he called the shots, made the rules and did whatever the hell he wanted. So since the beginning he has had a problem with rules and expectations. I feel like we have had moments here where I felt things were working out well and progress was being made, then everything takes a huge step backwards and we are worse of then then before.

I have tried everything from punishment to rewards. I try talking with him but he has no interest in interacting(he feels I talk to much and he looses interest when I try explaining the problem). I’ve ask him what he would like me to do instead and he never knows or has any suggestions, other than to just ignore it and not bother him. He thinks he is all grown and should just be able to do whatever he feels like!?

I feel like I have wasted so much time and energy on his behavior that it has started to affect my other children. I’m to the point where I really just don’t care anymore and have no interest in dealing with him. He now just sits in his room with a salty attitude or sleeps when he is home. He can not seem to keep up with school work and it has nothing to do with him struggling. I have reached out to his teachers several times. He is just lazy and could care less most of the time. He puts almost no effort in anything that is asked of him around the home but yet expects things to be handed over to him. He wants to argue with me about EVERYTHING and 99% of the time he is completely wrong. He takes food and hides leftovers and trash in his closet, drawers and under his bed (I have found rotten food before).......so disgusting! He lies about just about everything (which irks me the most) and he has no accountability for anything. I can understand mistakes and learning from them but instead they are constantly repeated no matter how we try to resolve the issue.

This is definitely taking a toll on my marriage. Anytime I express how I feel and tell my husband to get more involved he gets annoyed and frustrated with me because “I am always complaining about the same thing”. My husband was a former marine and really has no patience for any of the bs. He yells more often then not when he is tired of his sh**. Obviously if I react that way toward my stepson it is taken completely different then if it came from my husband. I also don’t necessarily want to have to parent that way, it’s stressful. My husband also works a lot so I am basically the one raising him. I do have love for my stepson but I really do not like him at all. I need help because I am done wasting all of my time and energy on someone that could obviously care less.
Mod
Taylor-RO

Re: Strongly disliking my stepson

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Hi @Solo_mama, thank you for sharing. It seems as though you are in a really difficult position with your family. What you are going through must be so stressful and upsetting, especially when you have done a lot to try and help the situation. I can hear that you love and care for your stepson but are not sure how to help him or deal with some of his behaviour. As you mentioned, your stepson has a few things going on with school and his relationship with his biological mother. I can imagine that this may be impacting some of his behaviour and there may be something worth exploring underneath all of that. I do want to let you know that you aren't alone - a lot of parents face these kinds of issues. You can have a read of other parents who have shared their stories here

 

It sounds like you have tried everything you can, so I am wondering if your family has thought of attending counselling? This can give you and your stepson a chance to get some support individually, or you could attend together to try and navigate some of the issues you are experiencing as a family. You are most welcome to keep posting as apart of our community but please note that we are Australian based and therefore may not have referrals or resources that are relevant to the USA Heart

 

Please keep us updated if you'd like to.

Casual scribe
Solo_mama

Re: Strongly disliking my stepson

Thank you. Yes I may look into counseling again. We have tried in the past. My ss says he doesn’t need it at this point. His dad is also not a fan of counseling, I have tried several times. It also makes it a bit difficult working with counseling when you are not the bio parent or the other bio parent is no where to be found.
Mod
Taylor-RO

Re: Strongly disliking my stepson

Hi @Solo_mama, good to hear that you have tried counselling in the past. Did you find anything helpful about it?

I know what you mean about it being difficult when your stepson and husband are not interested in counselling at the moment. I can tell that you are really trying hard to make this work and are putting in a lot of effort. I imagine it must get tiring for you after a while. You could also attend counselling by yourself to try and find new ways of managing your relationship with your step son and husband. It might help to at least release some stress on your end Heart

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