Teens just not listening - the frustration !

[Beingme2017]

Hi everyone

I have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son

This seems a bit of a minor issue but it's becoming harder and harder for me to deal with

They are both going pretty well generally as far as teenage life goes ( usual teen angst) - but they never listen to me !

It's usually about small daily life things so we aren't talking major life issues - but it's every day and endless conversations a day!!

I could tear my hair out sometimes !

Does anyone else feel this frustration and hate the feeling that your kids just won't take your suggestions or requests on board or if they do - only after a 1 hr debate over it ?

Thanks for listening to my rant

[Chalker]

Hi @Beingme2017 this is rant I have often.  I have three sons, 20, 18 and 16.  The 20 year old is now just showing signs of being more social with me and other adults.  Proof that it can get better!  However about  two years ago I attended a free "positive parenting course" held in the local community center.  I really was at the end and decided I needed some outside help.  It was the best thing I ever did, I received life skills for dealing with teenagers which keeps me sane and the whole family benefits.  Hope this can be of assistance. 

[Ngaio-RO]

I concur @Chalker Positive Parenting Program or Triple P is a game changer.

The ReachOut Coaching runs along similar lines and does a lot around communication. Have you considered that @Beingme2017?

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Beingme2017 I struggle with this every day.  I don't consider myself a strict parent, but I have certain rules in place for the benefit of my daughter's health and safety, that she herself has agreed are reasonable expectations of her. Despite me asking a thousand times she still does not follow them.  I get so frustrated, I feel like my head could explode!!  @Chalker thank you for your suggestion, I am going to try and find a course in my location. 

[Lidya]

Hi Beingme2017, I have had the same experience, so I decided to get help for myself. Yesterday one of my friends recommended me this forum which I am finding very helpful.
I guess the best thing is to learn the strategies to communicate with teens.
I have been told that when they are in their twenties is when they will start to be more reasonable!! So, a long way to go.
I want to think that it will get better, I am an optimistic

[taokat]

I hear you loud and clear @Beingme2017! My daughter drives me crazy with her refusal to listen to me! I just want her to help out with things around the house, but she doesn't even argue, it's as if it just flows straight over her or she doesn't hear me. I seem to talk to myself a lot! Grrrr!!

I made the mistake of raising my voice, at the end of my tether the other night, and naturally got it back two fold. Good one Mum! 'Model the behaviour you want to see'. Oops.

[TOM-RO]

@taokat Hmmm hearing you! Withholding the raised voice, a mistake we all make from time to time very understandable.. Something like this right beforehand!

[taokat]

And @TOM-RO a bit of this daily!...

Mindfulness in hindsight! Still valuable, and we are human, so I've learnt not to be hard on myself when I get it wrong. 

[Lily17]

I read something that made total sense when it comes to teens. When we are doing stuff and they come in demanding something - I do not want to be interrupted unless they are having a heart attack or bleeding to death. I do not listen because what I am doing is very important to me.

So, in reverse they do exactly the same thing and they reply Mum, you aren't having a heart attack we aren't calling the ambulance and intensely carry on doing their thing.

The frustration - but it does go both ways. I am a very chilled mum, I worry but - unless it is worth my attention I let it go. Do I listen? Not when they are mumbling, whinging etc, but if I don't hear a grunt when they get home from school something may not be ok. I don't ask but I am aware.

If they ignore me I reflect their behaviour back onto them - they become aware until the next time they forget.. It's like being on a rotunda. It starts we enjoy it stops we get frustrated.

[Beingme2017]

Thanks guys, appreciate your perspectives.

Ive had some positive moments and not so positive moments since my post.

I have been trying to listen a bit more to them - maybe they are feeling like Im not listening to them either?  I think that has helped a bit

However I also resorted to YELLING my frustration when they just didnt stop arguing back - theres only so much debate I can take -  It made them stop but obviously not ideal. Happened with each of them - and made them realise I wasn't mucking around when I wanted them to just STOP! 

That's what parenting is all about though right ? The good stuff, the not so good stuff - and everything in between