Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

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Casual scribe

Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

My daughter dated a boy for about 18 months from the end of year 11 to the start of uni. He was literally all over her all the time and it was obvious they were intimate. It was hard to watch but on occasions my husband and I tried to slow things down but it never went well. He was a nice lad who came with good credentials but did seem to be very needy and we were very wary at the beginning. My daughter was coping with complex health issues but was mainly happy. She supported him through year 12 and helped to get him to university. At the end of year 12 he let her down with a number of things and I think she started to wonder (as we parents questioned these things as well) if she should continue the relationship. The problem was we had grown to really like this boy as he was spending a lot of time “living” with us - we had made strong emotional connections. My daughter decided that perhaps this person wasn’t right for her emotionally as he continued to disappoint in small ways but enough to give her doubts about his true involvement and knowing she was quite ill and had just started uni...so she broke up with him. Our family was devastated (and he made out he was as well to us) and “hated” on her for awhile until...only a very short while later this boy is obviously not doing it tough as he was already very clearly moving on. It would be inappropriate for me to say what happened that made my daughter realise her decision had been the right one but it hurt big time and it was enough to emotionally destroy our daughter as she had a lot to deal with. It was so not pleasant what she went through and will probably be scarred for a very long time. He seems to be the type of person who is slightly impulsive and hopes to talk his way out of things later which is obviously a very bad strategy. She has tried to move on by concentrating on her studies, attending to her medical issues and improving her emotional health but it has hurt her very deeply to give so much to somebody to find out that perhaps they were only “fake”. She is possibly doing better now though than what her mother is. My husband is sad and disappointed as this lad took so much from us and so was I for a long time but now I can’t stop “hating” him. I just can not shake him off and now that it would appear after some casual girls he has moved onto another girl. Maybe the next family won’t let him into their family as easily as what we did or do as much for him as what we did and a small part of me hopes that his true colours shine through pretty quickly but I know that is not nice but I can’t help it. I don’t want revenge but I do wish I could look him in the eye and tell him exactly what his actions did to my daughter and watch him squirm as I tell him in no uncertain terms that he obviously didn’t respect her or us at all. I wonder why I can’t let this go but I think I know the answers to that - I feel like he took a part of my daughter that he should never have had and we “fell” for him and now I feel kind of silly and embarrassed as he has been able to forget her so easily. I will just have to give it more time I guess. My story is probably not uncommon to many others but you certainly feel like you are the only silly person to be taken for a ride.
Community Manager

Re: Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

Hi @gameofthrones and welcome to ReachOut Parents!

 

Thank you for making your first post here and letting us know what has been happening in your family. No parent likes to see their children hurting, and I am sure so many parents can relate to feeling angry with people who upset, hurt or take advantage of their children or family as a whole. Such a tough feeling to hold Heart

 

It sounds like both you and your daughter did a lot to support her ex-boyfriend, and it is understandable to question what was real and what was not when it came to his behaviour. It sounds like he was became a part of your family during the time he was with your daughter. It is common for families to also feel that loss, betrayal or pain when they are connected to their child's relationship, for example as you mentioned he at your house living with your family a lot of the time, and there for big life transitions like finishing school and starting uni. 

 

It sounds like his behaviour after the break up has been quite a shock for you both, and very upsetting. While I am not sure what happened, I am hearing the pain it has brought your family. You've mentioned your daughter is focusing on her health and studies, does she have friends to support her too? This is a big adjustment for you too, and I am sure a devastating blow to find out who the ex-boyfriend truly was. How are you coping with this news? Do you have a support network too?

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Casual scribe

Re: Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

Thank you for your reply. Just writing the post and reading your response has been helpful so "thank you". Firstly, my daughter has made some new and great friends after she split with the BF, but that wasn't easy. Secondly, I have people I can talk to as well, but generally speaking, I don't want to. I have only just been able to tell my husband a little more about the detail in the aftermath and that is probably progress for me as well. I used to always jokingly say to the BF that I would send him a bill one day for all that he "owed" me/us but I actually think it isn't a bad idea now. I more than likely wouldn't send it, but I still might feel better. Thanks again for your reply.
Community Manager

Re: Unable to stop “hating” daughter’s exboyfriend

Hi @gameofthrones and thank you for getting back to us. 

 

It is great to hear your daughter has taken steps towards making new friendships. In the wake of a break up re-building is really important and putting that time into herself and people that add value to her life is a really important step!

 

That is completely understandable to not want to talk about this with people you rely on for other things. What has happened with the boyfriend sounds more complicated than we know, and it sounds like both you and your daughter are still coming to terms with what has happened. We are here to be a listening ear too, where it is anonymous and safe Heart 

 

It can be a really natural step to want to do something to show the impact someone has had on our lives, or stand up for the ones we love to the people that have hurt them. It sounds like you have done some reflection on reaching out to the ex-boyfriend, and finding some closure. Even writing the words down and not sending them may help to process and get out the angry and frustration you are feeling. 

 

I am hearing the anger you are feeling, is your daughter also working through feelings of anger?

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Check out our community activities calendar for October 2019 here