02-25-2019 08:20 PM - edited 02-25-2019 08:23 PM
my 5 yr old autistic son and my 11 yr old we2re removed from my home
due to domestic violence between their father and myself. they went to a foste4r home but are now with my mom. my 5 yr old asks why cant he come home with us, its been 9mo what do i tell him?
02-25-2019 09:52 PM
02-26-2019 06:52 PM - edited 02-27-2019 05:52 PM
Welcome to these boards--there is a great community of people here. It sounds like the past several months have been tumultuous for you and your family. And, I'm glad that your kids are at your mom's home (assuming that your mom is providing a stable and loving environment for them) as that might be less shocking than going to a home unfamiliar to them (although I am also inspired by the important work of foster families).
First, you mentioned domestic violence. Are you safe? And, are you receiving good support/counseling?
Second, it's clear that you are thinking about the well being of your sons. It sounds like they are asking important and difficult questions, and you are thinking about the best way for them to absorb the changes in their life. The idea of a book seems like a wonderful idea and I imagine it speaks to the knowledge you have of your son (how he might best make sense of situation that I imagine is confusing and emotional).
Third, I'm wondering what counselling and support they are receiving. I assume there is a social worker attached to your family right now. Children are often referred to 'children who witness violence' programs in cases of family violence? I recommend these programs if your children are not currently receiving professional support. The social worker attached to your family can hopefully refer you and your kids to resources if you need them (there are people whose job centers on helping children understand domestic violence and their changed living/home situation)
Perhaps a school counsellor? As @Taylor-RO mentions, it may be good to solicit the opinions of counselors/support people who are familiar with your sons and your situation.
Fourth, I'm sorry to be so bold in asking you this but is there a plan in place for your children to eventually return to your care, or is your mom going to become their long term caregiver? I imagine the discussion/focus/information might be very different depending on the answer to this question and the personalities/temperament of your sons. Your sons could be asking for different reasons. By asking, 'why are we not with you now', they may also be asking, are we always going to be with grandma? are we coming home soon? When are we coming home? and, do you want us to come home?
Finally, there are different ways of framing the information depending on the plans in place with CPS. I think an important message might be that this has nothing to do with your love for your boys. The fact that they're living with your mom has nothing to do with your love for them--your love for them has not changed.
If there is a plan in place and steps that you need to complete in order to have the kids returned to your care, then you can potentially talk to them about how you're working hard to get 'stronger'/'healthier' to be the best mom you can be to them (to be clear, I'm not implying that you are not strong or healthy,or that you are not a good mother--I'm just trying to envision how a talk might unfold).
Has there been a plan worked out for current visitation/involvement in their lives?
I apologize for posing so many questions. A little bit more information might help us brainstorm with you. And, again, I hope you have the good support of people around you and your children.
02-27-2019 02:46 AM
Thank you for taking the time to respond. The boys have been with my mom for 9 months now. I was at the point where I excepting that they probably were not going to return home until last night, the social worker did her check on the boys and my mom called me with confidence that my babies will be coming home in may so they can finish out the school year. I’m trying to not get my hopes up to much because cps has mislead me in the past, who am I kidding I’m walking on water right now. Even with that said I do know how much trauma this has caused and even if they do return home I need to heal them the best educated way possible. the last nine months ive only seen them once every other week for one hr. honestly i dont understand what made cps decide they can come home because theyve held back on visits and have not been encouraging not one bit.Yes I am safe btw
02-27-2019 05:58 PM
Thank you for following up with us. I do hope that CPS contacts you to give you an update themselves. I imagine that you will be more settled once CPS outlines a structured plan to transition your kids back to your care.
I do want to clarify something that I wrote in my initial post to you. In my first post to you, I said that I was glad that your children were at your mother's house. However, what I meant was that I was glad that your children were at your mom's house (assuming they are familiar with her home) over an unfamiliar home (I've edited the original post to better reflect my meaning).
We are on these boards trying to figure out the best environment in which our kids can thrive and be safe/healthy. I hope you keep us updated.