my 16 year old daughter's boyfriend is controlling and stole my credit card

[joemad72]

My 16 year old has been dating a kid we have known for 10 years.  I know his family.  I thought he was a good kid.  He gets good grades and is an excellent athlete.  I thought he really loved my daughter.  He ended up being super controlling.  He kept her away from friends and wanted to know what she wore to school every day.  He also wanted her to quit cheerleading, something she has been doing since 2nd grade.  He put her in a headlock when they were fighting over her phone.  Then, he stole my credit card information and purchased almost 900.00 worth of stuff.  After all this I still feel bad for him.  He needs a lot of help.  His father has been in and out of jail most of his life.  His mother is single with four kids.  I treated him like a son.  I know my daughter still love him.  I obviously don't want them together anymore.  I want help in building her self worth, without bashing him and pushing her away even more. 

[Ngaio-RO]

Hey @joemad72

Such a hard situation for you all to be in. You because you need to protect your daughter and make sure she's safe, your aughter because I'm ure she has all sorts of conflicting feelings about this boy and their relationship and the boy because he's very likely a good kid who has no skills to be a good partner.

That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do though. I'm guessing from some of the words you use that you're in America. So I can't recommend any services but, what about finding a program around domestic violence and healthy relationships and supporting them both to attend? Do you think they would be willing to do that? People can change and they can make terrible mistakes and then redeem themselves but only if they get the support they need to do it. My approach would be, if he wasn't willing to engage in some pretty intensive personal growth through therapy or similar, that I would actively oppose the relationship and encourage my daughter to get out.

Change is hard and virtually nobody makes significant changes of that type without lots of intensive support.

That being said, if he access professional help, he could genuinely become a good partner. That kid you used to think was a good kid is still in there, he just has maladaptive behaviours he uses when he's upset. And there's nothing that presses our buttons and upsets us more than an intimate relationship.

What do you think?

[Breez-RO]

@joemad72 Sorry to hear about this tricky situation. You have so much compassion - well done to you. I hear you don't want to turn your back on him, but absolutely you need to think about your Daughter's welfare. As with @Ngaio-RO what are your thoughts on seeking out some professional support for him?

[Arsen01]

ohhh controlls of boyfriend and 16 years old ,, that's wrong, and bad,, 

[taokat]

Hey @joemad72, I can imagine how disappointed, hurt and angry you must feel after this boy's actions. Certainly not defending the boys behaviour, but it doesn't sound like he's had the most positive upbringing or role model in his dad, so I understand why you feel bad for him. 

As @Breez-RO said, you have so much compassion, and it sounds like this boy felt part of your family too. Having him treat your daughter like that is not okay though, and I would be opposing the relationship as well. 

Is your daughter still going out with him? I'd suggest talking to your daughter about what a healthy relationship looks like and really help her to understand that nothing about how he treated her was her fault. Keep reminding her of her value.

How are you all doing at the moment?