Controlling Parent over teenagers

[Lancaster]

Hi, new to this, but could anyone advise on how to cope with my ex partner controlling my 3 teenage boys. They have been great support for both of us but now all boys constantly stay with him, he collects them from school when it’s not his days, constantly calling them, morning, after school and in the evening when they are with me, and now turning them against me by continually putting me down as there mum, my eldest son who is his step son has moved in with him and has stopped seeing me or answering phone to me, the middle son has now become extremely disrespectful towards me and woman in general. My youngest has transferred school due to fighting in the playground that his dad told him todo.
I’m at my Witts end, he buys them anything they want and constantly give them cash every day todo or go anywhere they want regardless of me or the time they should be with me or even at school.
Please can someone advise how best to deal with this situation. At least to try and keep a little bit of respect towards me.

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Lancaster and welcome to the online community.

I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble you're having with your ex-partner and the influence he's having on your sons. It sounds incredibly stressful to have them being picked up from school when it's your time with them, and particularly to see them starting to become disrespectful towards you.

After reading your post, I'm curious - what was your relationship like with your sons before they started spending more time with your ex-partner?

From what you've told me, it sounds like your ex-partner is pushing the boundaries of what's appropriate and expected in your coparenting arrangement, and seems to be disrespecting your time and relationships with your sons. Do you and your ex-partner have a formal coparenting arrangement, or have you been able to organise things on a more informal basis up to this point? I'm also curious as to whether your ex-partner ever tried to encourage your kids to put you down or tried to use them as a means of control when you were still in a relationship?

I can see that you're based in the UK, so if you're up for some reading, Citizens Advice has a great resource on managing an ex-partner who is taking your children without your consent. They also have some great advice on making childcare arrangement after separation, and what to do if your existing arrangements aren't working anymore.

[Birdwings]

Dear Lancaster,

Sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex and your boys. I am Mum to an 18 year old male and a 16 year old daughter. I am married so haven't gone through this situation personally. However, a number of my friends are divorced and been through this with their kids to the point where their kids refuse to talk or see them. I'm not entirely sure whether it's the ex turning the kids off mum or the kids' doing. However, I wanted to mention a situation called parental alienation which is where a parent turns kids off the other parent and ends up gaining full custody. I don't know whether kids find it hard going in between parents and feel they have to take a side in the same way people support a football team. I personally feel kids need both parents. Perhaps, someone else could add more to this.

Best wishes,

Birdwings