Parents has rules the other does not

[PRINCESS2424]

I am here for help. I am basically a step mom. The kids are 12 and 10 years old. The 12 yo came to live with her dad and I for about 2 months. At our house we have rules, pick up after yourself, do not eat in your room, keep your room clean and go to bed on time. She does online school so we ask her to get up and be online around 830 9. We tell her she has one job and that is school. She is addicted to sugar and does not eat, she only eats junk food. We told her she needs to start eating healthier, so we through away the sugar and got her protein drinks, apples grapes and help her eat better. When she goes to her mom's house that is all she eats, sugar. Her mother brings her back to our house one day with a box of sugar cubes. I'm sorry what !!!! Umm nooo she can not eat those. I threw them away. How do we have rules at our house when the other parent does not? At our house we want her to get good grades, the other parent says she needs Leeway to do whatever she wants. It's okay yo get d's and f's ? Why wouldn't you push your child to do better? She thinks her dad is mean because we want her to do the best she can. I'm sorry we ask her to get up and get online and do school work m-f. Why is that mean ? Her mom let's her do whatever, she sleeps until 10, 11 and maybe does 20 min or so a day of school. We think she needs to be on a schedule. She had low self esteem and we just want her to get up and get ready and feel good about yourself. Sugar is a big part of her feeling low. I have looked into it and of course if you eat like **bleep** you feel like **bleep**. She was getting ad's and b's her now she moved back and is getting d's and f's ?? The parents have such diff rules. The ex is mad and thinks we are to hard on her and we should let her do whatever she wants. She has an attitude and is so mean but she should get her phone, her laptop whatever she wants because she is going through whatever and we need to let her go through and deal with whatever it is.. We do not think that. You do not need to be mean and tell and say nasty things at your parents and get whatever you want. So what do we do when two households think so diff and have diff Rules? They don't like coming here because we have rules. Do we change them to make them happy??? I think kids needs rules, how do the learn if we don't teach them ?? Help???? What are your thoughts or has anyone gone through this and what to do?

[gina-Ro]

Hi @PRINCESS2424 , really glad you came to the forum for help with this. 

It sounds like such a tough situation. It's clear that you're trying to do the best that you can for your step-daughter, and put in place structure and routine for her. It must be so frustrating to feel that being undone when she stays with her mum. 

Having two different homes, with different rules, must be challenging for her too.

Have you been able to sit down with all the adults involved, and communicate about a way to collaborate and coordinate the way you all parent, so that it works for everyone? It could be that some of the rules you want in your home, have to be compromised, but so do some of the routines in the other home.

Some compromise may have to be reached, but if everyone can get on the same page it will be a lot easier! 

Have you also been able to sit down with the 12 year old and ask her what she thinks is a better way for her to live, and why? Maybe giving her some choice and a chance to reflect on the impact of the sugar, etc may be helpful? 

Just some ideas - but I'm hoping other parents can jump in with more insight and ideas