17 year old daughter no repspect

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17 year old daughter no repspect

My 17 nearly 18 year old daughter is driving me to a point if I cannot cope any more she makes our house miserable she swears at us she shouts at us threatens us! She has dropped out of 4 courses|jobs she is so clever yet so stupid. She frustrates the hell out of me she has no good friends she meets new friends and they drop her.
She has truly had the best life she could possibly have I chose to stay at home so I could take her to school collect her from
School my husband (her dad) works and I am fortunate to be able to have been at home with her I’ve had friends round most days haloween parties birthday parties Easter parties school holidays every day we did something with friends I’m trying to give you a insight to her life she has had the best of everything clothes toys technology everything I will openly tell you I have spoilt her I wanted her to have. The best of everything I’m
Unsure if this is the reason she is the way she is? My youngest daughter who is 11 has had the same upbringing and she isn’t at all like my eldest. Our everyday question is where have we gone wrong? I even resulted in taking her to the doctors 2 years ago and asking for help they tried to refer her but the place they referred her to said they wouldn’t take her on at that time! She is horrible to her sister she is horrible to us all she thinks she rules the house she is a slob round the house which I could cope with if i didn’t have the attitude aswell I do everything for her I even pick her dirty clothes up off the floor because if I ask her to do it it turns into a screaming fit off her it causes arguments between me and my husband as he tries to ignore her for an easy life which frustrates me I really do not know what to do for the best I’ve tried talking to her shouting at her ignoring her I do not know what else I can do people have said stop doing stuff for her if I don’t do it it would never get done and we would be walking over dirty knickers on the landing. I don’t go in her bedroom it is piled waste height with junk! I iron her clothes and tell her to hand them up in her wardrobe they end up back in my washing basket the next day. She became pregnant last year and decided to have an abortion I took her was there with her I advised her but never told her what to do she had councillors talk to her to make sure it was her decision yet now it’s my fault I made her??? I feel lost I don’t know what to do it effects the house it’s not fair on any of us me and my husband have a good relationship we do a lot as a family but lately we don’t want to involve her which is so sad as she ruins everything we went to Disney in Florida she completely ruined it we went to Mexico she did the same. I’m really hoping someone can advise me I would just love a happy home with happy children I’ve never let anyone look after her apart from my mom her nan never missed any plays I’ve put her in every club she wanted to the only one she enjoyed was horse riding she did that until last year. I know parents do this but she really has come first my children are my life.
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Re: 17 year old daughter no repspect

Hi @Hales123 welcome to ReachOut and thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you are having a really difficult time with your daughter and I'm sorry to hear that she has been threatening. You have given your daughter a wonderful upbringing and it's clear that she is really loved and supported. I'm wondering how long she has been behaving this way? It must feel terrible to be blamed for the abortion, it is not your fault. It sounds like your daughter is going through a lot. Do you currently have any supports in place or considered chatting to a Counsellor about what has been going on? I'm going to tag some of our members for further support and advice @sunflowermom @compassion @Faob_1 @Schooner We're here for you Heart

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Re: 17 year old daughter no repspect

@Hales123 Hi there, I gather from your holiday destinations you are in the USA and I’m not sure if you realise this is an Australian forum. It makes nomdifference at all and sadly your experience of your teen echoes mine with our son, who is now 16.

okay, I can’t promise that any of my thoughts will help, let alone solve, your issues, but just maybe something will help.

First of all, everyone has the right to feel safe in their own home. Threatening behaviour, whether verbal or physical is not on. DO NOT tolerate it and make that very plain to your daughter.  Every time she speaks to you rudely, ask her firmly to repeat what she said without the abusive, or bad tone, whatever she is using. Only then do you acknowledge her with a firm response. 

Use the phrase, “ When you speak to me/ do xyz, I feel.....”. I found this worked on our son, albeit for a time until I had to kick him out for drug induced physical violence and damage to our home.  We also used a talking stick technique in family discussions, whoever was holding the stick could speak, others listened. We managed a few good discussions this way and got a few changes in behaviour.

Stop enabling all the behaviours that are passive-aggressive directed at you. Sure, pick up her clothes off the stairs, but just toss them in her room. DO NOT do her laundry, clean her room. Laundry is a life skill, as is housework, and she is well past the age where she can do this herself! I would spen an entire day telling my son the washing machine was fre and he could use it before I put the dog’s blankets through. As part of his control power play games he would ignore me until night time and then go do his washing. I stopped all reminders and left him to it. If his room got so bad he had bugs in there, well, so be it. I know he knows how to vacuum, wash floors, clean bathrooms and use a washing machine. At 15 I was not going to be his slave. I would also sometimes deliberately run out of milk, he drank tons of the stuff, so he would have to walk to the shop and buy it if he wanted it. I stopped buying all his easy meals, if he wants to eat, he could make a meal, fry an egg etc. he would look at the meals I prepared and say he wasn’t going to eat that sh**, so he live on cereal! No way was I going to pander to such rudeness. I’m a good cook and he knows it, so he could go hungry! Likewise to meal times, if he didn’t come to the table, his meal would go in the fridge, and if he chose to eat it later, fine, if it was still there a day later, it was gone! 

We have had a lot of nasty physical damage to our home go on, so quite extreme, and I hope you don’t go through the same. We offed our son access to counsellor and for a while he attended but I think he was just ticking boxes so I didn’t kick him out. He never engaged with the counselling properly. My husband has told our son for months now that we will support him engaging in counselling financially, but if he doesn’t make the effort to engage then we will not support it.  So, make an offer, but tell her she needs to find someone herself she can work with. It’s a case of leading the horse to water ... each time we organised a counsellor, son refused to participate. They have to take the first step.

 

stop inviting her or taking her to family outings. I remember clearly the look on our son’s face when he realised husband and I were off to movies, dinners, leading a life not revolving around him. He was surprised and almost a bit miffed I feel. But you cannot put your life permanently on hold. I too was a stay at home mum for 15 years, and I loved every moment, and feel very privileged that I could be that. However, there comes a time where our kids need to know what we like to do, what we enjoy, and see us living a life beyond them too.  Preparing kids to leave us is also part of our role as parents. So, try now, to,step back a bit, and let her step up.

 

it is not easy to,do, but it is crucial to your sanity, believe me. So, stick to your guns, expect a load of blowback, but try to show her that the behaviour is water off a duck’s back. I think she needs to seek help to deal with her abortion feelings. That’s a tough one.   Just keep your voice firm, reasonable, stick to your expectations of how your home and family members are to be treated, make that very very clear, and use “ I feel...” as much as you need.

 

i wish you all the best. It seems we are in the era of entitlement and by golly it’s tough.

 

 

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Re: 17 year old daughter no repspect

Ah thank you so much for your advise it’s so lovely of you to take time out to give me some advise I am so sorry to hear about your son it really is the worst feeling in thr world when your children who you would do anything for treat us in this way.
I am actually from the uk I didn’t realise it was an Australian site lol. Hope it’s still ok for me to join and talk?
I admit I have been quite soft with her until the last couple of years I say I will stop doing things and I have carried on I still pay her phone bill which is going to stop I don’t go in her room and this is no exaggeration the stuff in her room is up to my thighs you can hardly open the door I don’t care no more I just shut the door. We have tried to her her to speak to someone just to help her with her moods and her anger issues but she said it’s not her it’s us! She refuses which is frustrating. Some days I am strong and overlook her attitude try and get on with my life and let her get on with hers but it’s so sad as I love family time I love to play games take the dog for walks and for her not to be involved breaks my heart.
It’s reassuring to hear of people who have been or are going through the same kind of thing as I question myself where I could have gone wrong parenting. All my friends and family know the upbringing she has had and they all say I’m the best mom they know and as I said I really have completely put my kids before me in every way I’ve gone without my life is my children and for her to grow up and be the way she is I cannot understand. The way she has spoken about me to her friends too she has said I’m a terrible mother and even her friends have corrected her.
Thank you again for your time
Community Manager

Re: 17 year old daughter no repspect

Hey @Hales123- we are based in Australia  -  From ReachOut's point of view, we have more access to and knowledge of supports and systems here, but from a peer support point of view, all parents experiences are similar across the world, and the mutual support we see happening from all different countries is amazing - so yes absolutely okay for you to join and talk! 

 

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to support and parent your daughter in a loving and caring way - you're doing amazingly. Heart It must be so painful to hear your daughter talk about you in that way. 

From many other parents experiences, there is a lot of hope that things can change, and your relationship with you daughter be repaired with time, as her maturity and understanding develops. It doesn't necessarily make what's happening now any easier, but don't lose hope that things can change. Being 17 is an extremely intense and complicated time for a young person. 

 

In the meantime, are you getting sufficient support for yourself?