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My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

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Sophia-RO

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

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Hello @Mimmie , I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. You mentioned that you have a DVO out on your son that he doesn't follow, I am wondering if you have been able to get support around that yet? It would be best for you to contact your local police about your son breaching the DVO as it is important that you feel safe.

 

Have you had a chance to get in touch with any other support services about what you have been going through? There are services available for those that have been impacted by violence, such as 1800Respect. You can call up 1800Respect 24/7 to talk to a trained counsellor and get some support. Here is a link to their website if you are interested and wanting to read a bit more. 

Casual scribe
ERCAAL

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

Hang in there, I think their friends and social life overrides their need for us for an interim of time.
They tend to come back to us , my older friends say they turn egocentric toddlers again and they come back to us as they mature.I’m experiencing this egocentric behaviour from my 20 year old. It’s heart breaking as is her nastiness. I live in hope that she comes m to me and I wonder how I can ever like her again with her nastiness.
Keep doing what you are doing. Keep the love I think he knows, appreciates it and needs it, even if he is not a acknowledging it!
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indigorain

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

I know I am late to this conversation but I just found this forum. My 19 year old son wants nothing to do with me. I divorced his dad after 21 years of marriage when my son was 10 years old. His dad was a not a great father - not very hands on, did not do much with our son. He loved him, but did not do a lot with him. It was just me and my boy doing everything together from homework to field trips. We always got along. We were complete buddies! I remarried and my second husband never bonded with my son and it destroyed our marriage where I found myself divorcing yet again. But even through that, I never ever let my son feel unwanted or neglected. When he turned 14 he started really distancing from me and acting kind of angry and not himself. I kept telling him to be easy on himself as its just puberty and hormones. It got worse and worse. He could barely look at me anymore. I made the mistake of crying in front of him because it hurt so bad to have him treat me so awfully. He moved in with his dad right after he turned 18. We barely had a relationship. Suddenly during a visit with him while he was at college, he starts asking me my feelings on transgenders and I played very politically correct with my answers because I had a feeling he was baiting me to get me upset or try to argue with me. That evening I asked him if he questioned me about that because he felt transgender and he said yes. I played it cool even though I was completely shocked as he never showed any tendancies towards that is whole life. I reached out to my parents for advice and told him I told my parents. He got so furious with me and our relationship was even more worse. We barely spoke to each other for months until I finally managed to get him to my place for a small birthday party I threw for him. While prepping for the party he started bashing me and asking me why I didnt do certain things for him and putting me down and telling me I needed psychiatric help, etc etc. It was so awful I had to ask him to leave. In tears I kept saying 'please leave'. His words were so hurtful to me I could not handle it anymore. Now, we do not speak at all. If I do get him to speak he tells me I yelled at him his whole life and was mean and vindictive to him. He said I made him feel unworthy and unloved. I was shocked beyond words as that is so far the opposite of the truth. All I did was dote on him. I didnt even want to see him lose a game. I protected him and smothered him in love, so how he is coming up with these crazy things is beyond me and so incredibly painful to hear. When I tell him that its not true he calls me a liar. When I ask for examples of how I made him feel unloved he says "I already told you and you are being narcissistic in pretending you do not know and you are rewriting history to make yourself out to be the good guy'. I am beyond stunned and shocked at his words and what he remembers about me. I think I should have mentioned he is a genius, like a genius IQ and never got a B in his life. He was always socially awkward but finally was able to make a bunch of friends in high school. It was a school for advanced placement. I finally started readying about gender dysmorphia - basically the person is uncomfortable in their own body - and one of the symptoms is to blame others for how one feels. So, I guess that is what he is doing. There was noone else in his life but me. He saw his dad twice a month and he saw my parents just a few times a year, but he says noone made him feel unworthy as much as I did. I can barely even type those words because all I did was praise him, non stop, actually praised him too much. So, now I feel like Im in mourning for the loss of my son. His father, the one who was never there for him, suddenly steps in after 18 years and my son gets along great with him. I guess I am the easy target, the easy punching bag. The pain is so strong it physically hurts me and I feel like Im walking in mud, like I cant move. Thanks for listening. I am praying that if he starts hormone therapy or whatever he needs to do for this transgender he will start to feel better. I forgot to mention that he started showing a lot of anger at the age of 14 and he would even say he hates people and hates himself, etc. I begged him to go to a therapist but he refused every single time. Finally he agreed but walked out as it got started. He convenietly forgets I tried to get him to therapy. I think maybe deep down he is mad I did not figure out he was going through gender dysmorphia ? I was clueless to it. he never wanted to wear female clothes or try make up. thanks for listening. Any advice will be appreciated.  

Community Manager
Philippa-RO

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

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@indigorain I'm so glad you've posted on the forums for support. It's clear how deeply you love your child and how much pain it's causing you that your relationship isn't what you hoped it would be, especially when you felt so close to your child before. I can only imagine how much it must hurt not to have open and positive communication with your child. Do you have anyone in your life who can support you or offer a listening ear for you through this hard time?

I wanted to ask - in your post you mentioned that your child was "bashing you" when you were prepping for the party. Can I clarify - was this physical or verbal? Do you have any fears for your safety now?

 

In terms of your child questioning their gender identity, we have some great information on the ReachOut website that may be helpful about supporting a transgender teenager and open and approachable communication.

It looks like you're in the US - we're an Australian based service, but we also support international parents. Would you like me to make some suggestions of US-based services that might be able to offer further support?

 

I'm conscious that there are a lot of challenges you're facing and I haven't addressed all of them, but if you would like to talk more about anything, please feel free to post.

Active scribe
indigorain

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

He is not physically hurting me when I say bashing. He was saying I needed mental health help, etc. very cruel words. At one point he even said I gave birth to him without him wanting, so I owe him.

He was my miracle baby. I suffered a brain tumor and had to wait to get pregnant and I was older, but when I finally did I was the happiest person in the world. I feel like I only had him 15 years because at 15 he became very distant from me. I pray for the day he wants to be in my life again. The pain is intense. 

Active scribe
indigorain

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

I really do not have a support system. My parents are kind of there, but they are older and not very helpful. His dad and I had a pretty good relationship (after the divorce) and were able to talk a lot when it came to issues with our son. Now he is angry with me as well saying I should feel guilty and I was wrong, etc. very upsetting that the dad was never really around and suddenly he is the big hero in my kid's eyes. But I am happy to know he is safe with his dad. 

Community Manager
Portia_RO

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

Hi @indigorain , I'm so sorry to hear that your son has said these awful things to you. It sounds incredibly challenging to go from having a close connection with your son for 15 years and then for this distance to emerge between you, so I can completely understand why this is bringing you so much pain.

 

I'm glad to hear that your son is safe with his dad but I'm sorry that he has been attempting to make you feel guilty as well. What have you been doing to look after yourself while all of this is going on?

Active scribe
indigorain

Re: My 18 Year Old Son Will Not Speak To Me

thank you for reaching out to me. In answer to your question if I have some support, I really do not. that is why this is so challenging for me. I cry all the time. I keep telling myself to stop emailing and texting my son because he does not respond but I find myself sending emails and texts. It's like Im torturing myself. 

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