14 year old daughter…everything!!

[HFK80]

I have a 14 year old daughter who was at 12 doing exceptionally academically and in sport, beautiful and happy…slowly she started to have girlfriend troubles by year 7 had a few strained relationships and was mostly friends with boys by year 8. She is bisexual but had a horrible experience with a boy who turned out to be very disturbed and forced himself sexually (not sex) and showed her horrible videos of cats being killed. She feels traumatised but this, this was only revealed to me today, it happened at the beginning of 13. She then had a lovely girlfriend which was fine, more friends in the end, and now a lovely boy who I would say is her first real love.
They are smoking pot which his mum and I hate, and hanging around other kids doing the same, they are selling too we think.
She had had two police cautions, one for theft and one caught with pot, doesn’t care, no fear or respect for authority! She seems like she blocks her feelings, she loves her little brother and adores our dogs, I know she had empathy and is very sweet with kids but she also had sooomuch anger!! I don’t know why
She says she has trauma from her dad and my breakup (which I didn’t think was a bad one, we’re still friends and he wants to be there but she has recently rejected him a lot)
She is on her second school, she has been suspended twice, again no respect for authority
Self harming, pot everyday, and has tattooed herself
Low iron, not eating properly and extremely thin
She stays in her room when she’s not out with her boyfriend and this group, she cries for a minute or so every time he leaves, she has no girlfriends left, says she hates everyone. Says she feels like she might be a sociopath?!
This was not who she was, I’m terrified of her future
I don’t know what to do, psychiatrist and paediatrician say she might have ptsd but no other issues
It’s a daily heartbreak

[Portia_RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @HFK80 and welcome to the online community. 

I'm very sorry to hear about what you are going through with your daughter at the moment. It sounds very confronting to see your teen change so drastically in the space of a few years and to not recognise the person she is becoming. I can completely understand your fears for her future - it sounds like you're a very supportive parent and you simply want the best for her and for her to be happy. 

I can hear your concern about your daughter's recent behaviour and her lack of respect for authority. Have you and your daughter discussed your feelings towards her drug use before? It's nice to know that you have an ally in her boyfriend's mother and that you are both on the same page about what you think is appropriate. I'm also sorry to hear that she's engaging in self-harm - are you at all concerned for her personal safety? 

It's great to hear that you've already taken her to see a paediatrician and a psychiatrist for some additional support. Is she seeing these clinicians on a regular basis? 

How are you coping with all of this @HFK80 ? It sounds like you are doing the best you can in some very trying circumstances, and I can appreciate that dealing with "daily heartbreak" when trying to support your daughter must take its toll. Is there anyone in your life that can talk to while you're trying to support your daughter? 

I hope you don't mind, but I've moved your post to our "It's Complicated" section so that you might be able to connect with other parents going through similar situations. I'm also about to send you an email, so keep an eye on your inbox 

[Portia_RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @HFK80 and welcome to the online community. 

I'm very sorry to hear about what you are going through with your daughter at the moment. It sounds very confronting to see your teen change so drastically in the space of a few years and to not recognise the person she is becoming. I can completely understand your fears for her future - it sounds like you're a very supportive parent and you simply want the best for her and for her to be happy. 

I can hear your concern about your daughter's recent behaviour and her lack of respect for authority. Have you and your daughter discussed your feelings towards her drug use before? It's nice to know that you have an ally in her boyfriend's mother and that you are both on the same page about what you think is appropriate. I'm also sorry to hear that she's engaging in self-harm - are you at all concerned for her personal safety? 

It's great to hear that you've already taken her to see a paediatrician and a psychiatrist for some additional support. Is she seeing these clinicians on a regular basis? 

How are you coping with all of this @HFK80 ? It sounds like you are doing the best you can in some very trying circumstances, and I can appreciate that dealing with "daily heartbreak" when trying to support your daughter must take its toll. Is there anyone in your life that can talk to while you're trying to support your daughter? 

I hope you don't mind, but I've moved your post to our "It's Complicated" section so that you might be able to connect with other parents going through similar situations. I'm also about to send you an email, so keep an eye on your inbox