Stuck and can't find happiness

[Aphi2023]

I am living with the dad of my almost 6 year old son together but we are not in a romantic relationship since he was born (already realised something was off with the men that I wanted to split up in pregnancy already). We are living abroad far away of grandparents since two years now as we got great jobs here building our carrier. All the years I felt something was off with my son, like that he might be on the spectrum. There were just so many signs something was not right but teachers or kindergarten would not see that there is anything wrong apart from that he might be at times difficult. Last year he was evaluated as gifted and still felt he was on the spectrum. So last week I have been evaluating him again and they confirmed they can see the high functioning autism. What is really hard I am alone in this journey, his dad (most probably on the spectrum as well) sees no issues with this at all. He actually never cared if he has or not. I feel stuck in my life with two autistic people, (even though it's mild and I know many of you have to deal with much harder cases) and that there is nothing out there anymore to find happiness. I badly wanted to have a second child but there is somehow no one around me who I feel connected with. His dad is very quiet person, not funny, very boring never even tried to be intim with me all those years. (I dated men or had one night stands so I feel lonely) his dad has no passion, no interest in activities and I have to push him literally all the time to do stuff with my son apart from playing video games. I am feeling so depressed with no support in this country where I live for autism, no family around. I build a good life in a nice little villa, we have some friends and with help of my mom he goes to private school. I feel also this country (Mediterranean) might be not the right environment for my son, I don't see him blooming in any way apart from that he speaks fluent English now. I feel so stuck and sad and don't know how I can manage all alone. His dad brings him to school and helps with other little tasks. Now I wonder should I maybe move back to my home country (Germany) but the economic and political situation is not the best or maybe I just make the dad now finally to move out. Anyone found Love again with an autistic child? I am afraid that I never be able to feel love again and never have my second child (I am 39 already) so I don't have much time. Older friends say that his dad needs to move out so I can make place for someone knew. I have this deep regret inside me that I choosen an autistic men to have a child with (I fall pregnant after dating him three months) and now my life is just messed up and I find never happiness again or that my son will never see his mom truly happy with someone and kiss and holding hands. I was three months in a relationship with someone and my son loved him but my new partner did not understand that I have so less time my son was only 2 at that time. Anyone out there with some success stories? Anyone happier living seperate now with their children and life turned out pretty well? I thought maybe I should move into a country with a better support for kids, better education system for children with autism, better community. I don't feel being part of a community here and feel very lonely in the moment and once I see happy families with their cute normal children I feel a deep pain inside me and I just wanna cry that I never will experience that.

[Pho-RO]

@Aphi2023 Hi there, welcome to the forums. I'm glad you've found your way to our community, and been able to share your story with us. I can only imagine how difficult and isolating it has been to go through this alone. It sounds like your life has gone down a very unexpected path, and you're at a loss of where to turn or what steps to take next. You obviously really care about your son, to go to so much effort to get an accurate diagnosis - to me this says you are wanting to better understand his experiences of life, how they might be different, and how you can provide the best environment for him to grow up in. He's lucky to have you. 

It sounds like a very tough situation with his father, where you do get some practical support but very little in the way of emotional support or connection. I can't tell you whether separating is the right choice or not, but I do know that there are definitely success stories out there of single mums who raise their autistic children happy and healthy. I do think getting the right support around you is a key part of this, and so maybe moving somewhere where there are more community programs, more accessible support, or more specialised care, is the way to go. It is a tough decision to make no matter what you choose. I think at the end of the day, finding community and connection are really important for both you and your son. 

I have put together a little list here of articles, organisations, and videos that might help you on your journey. As we are an Australian organisation, some of it will be Australian-based, and so may also be limited in the support they could provide to you - but worth exploring regardless. 

• Amaze - Autism Connect
• Amaze - Understand Autism
• ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network) - Guide for Parents of Autistic Kids
• ASAN - Resource Library
• Autism Parenting - Tips for Single Parents
• Autism Parenting - Finding love when you have a child with autism
• Video - 5 things I wish my parents knew when raising me with autism
• Intense World Theory of Autism

I hope this helps, and of course please let us know if there's any further info or resources we might be able to help with. You don't deserve to do this alone.