Hi Bailey, thanks for responding and I'm sorry its taken so long to reply. Things have been really difficult. Thanks for the resources - if I'm being honest I have a tonne of resources and absolutely no energy to get my head around anything new, due to burnout from this being so hard for so long.
My psychologist tells me I'm one of the most intelligent, articulate and well-read patients he's ever seen, and that this is all very hard but good luck and be on my way. I guess he thinks I'll be able to figure things out on my own :/ As it's a free service through the mental health plan, and I'm pretty much broke, I can't afford to get professional help/support.
I do have understanding friends, and an ex-partner who is still supporting me even though our relationship has broken down, I am grateful for him.
At this current time, my daughter has left home after another big blow up, and I have gently told her that unless she's willing to live by my rules (which aren't many), that she might need to make other arrangements as I cannot tolerate her disrespect.
I've not ever been able to set and hold boundaries with her, and I'm aware that its because of my guilt of what she went through that caused her trauma, and that I'm trying to make up for her Dad not being around, and my guilt for my part in how I handled that at the time, which caused her bond with him to sever, and moving her away from my family because of my own trauma. Which I am starting to doubt because I don't think I ever really had it that bad, but I certainly had no self esteem and was running away for a long time. If I'm being a little bit fair to myself though, I'd say I suffered from emotional neglect and that for me uniquely, who I was/am, that was pretty debilitating and has caused much pain and shaped who I've become.
My daughter is angry, and is fighting for her freedom. I do understand and have compassion for her. I know its me that needs to change, and that has been really hard to do. I've been over-giving to the point of burnout, and have been enabling her.
At present she doesn't have any support either. After a few sessions with a fantastic psychologist, with too long inbetween, and not the funds to keep going at a level that would be needed, my daughter and I both agreed it wasn't worth it. We did discuss a plan for her to call headspace when needed, and downloaded an app and talked about more ways, but none of that ever gets used. I have come to accept that she does not want to help her self in this way and I understand that. She's 16. She doesn't want to face things and learn techniques yet.
I feel awful and am heartbroken, she's blocked me from seeing where she is and isn't responding to my messages. She's got an appointment with her GP today so I am guessing she will get another script for her meds seeing as how she hasn't come home.
There's so much learning in this for me and I know its making me take care of myself. I'm having to manage my fears, worry, regret and guilt. And learn to love myself and no that I've done the best I could, that I'm not who I was yesterday and that I can be OK regardless of what is going on with her.
Thanks for listening. I'm trying to distract myself with things, I think I've called all my friends and had a talk and that's all run out for today, but I'm not past that point where I don't need to talk anymore, which is why I jumped on here. I'm going to try and potter around in the garden today, maybe even do some sewing to get my mind off things.
It's lovely to see community members supporting each other. I can also see you are becoming a single parent. This must have been a challenging transition at times for you and your child. How are you and your child navigating this transition?
