Absent parent

[Danissa_1416]

Hi there
I'm wondering if you could help with some advice regarding how to help my 6 and 4yr old boys cope with Thier dad always telling them his comming to see them and then never shows then when the boys try to call it upsets them, his done it so many times I've actually now said his gonna need to get a court order before I let him any where near the kids .... Both boys have gone to sleep on Thier birthdays and Christmas night in tears coz he never showed ...

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Danissa_1416, thank you so much for posting this question. I am so sorry to hear that your children have gone to sleep crying on very special days. That must be heart breaking to experience as a parent. I am wondering if you have thought of treating visits as a 'surprise' for the kids? That way there may be less expectation and disappointment if their Dad does not show up. How do you think a court order would help to change his behaviour?

We also have some resources which you might find valuable if you are needing more support. You can contact Parent Line or Parents Beyond Breakup for support over the phone. Please know that our service is aimed for parents of children aged 12-18, therefore some resources may not be relevant to you. Nevertheless, you are most welcome to continue using our forums 

[marti]

Danissa that really sucks for the boys.
I can relate 100%

I think it's important that you don't speak poorly first of all in front of the boys about how crappy their dad is
They will definitely figure it out and then they will think you're so strong and classy

I would definitely move to maybe passing messages of love to the kids on behalf of their dad.

"Dad hasn't had a chance to speak to you himself but he send his love".
He can record a goodnight video or I love you video so they can watch it but
Allowing him to speak to them first hand constantly get their hopes up is no good.

Take down dated records of his conversations and kids responses. And legal aid can be contacted if necessary.
Journals are always useful in the legal side of stuff.

As for the boys in particular because they are who actually matter most.
Build up positivity in them
Ask gp or school or kindy for a counsellor they're free.

Definitely let the boys know that their dad might like to see them but unfortunately he maybe just can't. And you can spend time with them and do the things there dad isn't able to.

Always play down any plans he tells the kids . They should not be aware of plans if he turns up then it's a nice surprise.