Disrespectful Step son

[Halogirl85]

Hello! So I have a 17 yr old step son soon to be 18 in a few months who has been disrespectful since the day we met till now. I met his mother about 8 years ago when he was 9. We met through work at one of our small retail grocery stores and we connected instantly as friends. Knowing she was still married and being friends not intentionally wanting to be more then friends. I was also in a relationship at the time but it wasn’t really working, so we both confided in each other cause we were having problems in our relationships. Long story short my friend ended up divorcing her husband and was starting to fall for me. We were friends for 5 years nothing more. I am also a Zumba instructor and she soon became one too which was way more fun when there’s more then 1 instructor in the class. Anyways, I met her son when he was 9. While she was going through the divorce with her husband (he already moved out of the house for months) I had moved in to her house knowing I was welcome there by both her and her son at first. So now her ex husband didn’t contribute anything to their son. He was only being a parent when it was convenient for him. He was absent for more then 20 days into the school year because his dad was too lazy to take him to school. He’s get up late and he just told his son to stay home. Mind you he thought he could pull that with me but it didn’t happen. Education is at the top of my list cause education for children is important. He hated being in school never even wanted to be there so he was missing out on a lot. Eventually after a year of trying and encouraging him to go to school he finally gave in and now loves school. My step son also has reading comprehension dyslexia. And he’s supposed to read everyday he did now he does not. I have provided for this kid from the day I stepped into the house. (Not spoil him he did have to earn everything he has now). I have paid for his school fees, bought him school clothes, school supplies, fed him, clothed him and put a roof over his head. He graduated the 8th grade despite the times he was being disrespectful to me I always made sure he was set. Then we let him spend time with his dad over the summer, but he needed to follow the rules his mom had set for him. He would give his mom a hard time about when to come home and what time. Every time he went with his dad it was always a struggle to get to listen to her from then till today. Last year he got himself a girlfriend he’s still with her till today. He has given us such a hard time this past year, telling us how much we bother him if we ask him a simple yes or no question and gives us attitude about us disrespecting him. We were fighting every week then it went to everyday I was getting sick and tired of this. He doesn’t do his homework or does anything around the house. No chores he thinks he’s some kind of royalty and we’re here to wait on him like we’re his maids. He doesn’t clean up after himself after we’ve been struggling to teach him, makes food and doesn’t clean up the mess. Doesn’t do any of his laundry, then when we ask him to do something all of a sudden he has to do homework. Stays in the house all day on the computer talking to his girlfriend doesn’t even shower, and doesn’t do anything we ask him to do. We have tried everything from grounding him to limiting his media time. He says he’s going to try and do better but he never does he just comes up with some kind of excuse as to why he went over his time limit. Recently my wife couldn’t find her bank card it suddenly went missing we still can’t find it. I suspect it’s him since he’s stolen from us before. So I had no choice I kicked him out and let him stay with his dad. He says he’s an adult but when we treat him like one he immediately says he’s still a child. And he still asks us for money and other things which we don’t give him. I told him if you want to be an adult then go get a job and provide for yourself like I have provided for you the past 8 years. He doesn’t have a drivers permit or a work permit, still can’t read very well, doesn’t know how to fill out an application and doesn’t even know how to spell very well either. But yet he thinks he’s an adult so I told him I no longer want to financially support you anymore. Now I pay nothing or buy anything for him. He says he works with his dad on the weekends but he doesn’t make as much as he would like so he still tries to ask for money. His mother is having a hard time letting him learn things the hard way since that’s the way he wants it. She constantly changes her mind on weather she still wants to support him. I left that choice completely up to her, but I’m not going to give him or buy him things. He only comes home for a week if we’re luck he leaves on Friday for 2 weeks or more. I washed my hands of him but I stand up to him for my wife when he wants to challenge her. I don’t know why he keeps coming back to my house for at least 4 days. This is my wife’s only child so that’s why I still let him come. She loves him but is so ungrateful and disrespectful to her. He doesn’t even listen to her when she’s talking to him. He face is stuck in his phone from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep. He thinks I’m going to help pay for his graduation party he is wrong. He’s going to help his mom pay for everything I don’t want to be a part of his life anymore. I have raised him since he was 9 always making sure he has what he needs and sometimes giving him what he wants when he’s earned it. Now he’s just raking advantage of me and his mom always trying to manipulate us so he gets what he wants. So I put a stop to it, I AM DONE with him.

[Philippa-RO]

Hi @Halogirl85 and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you, your partner and your stepson are going through a really tough time.

It seems you've tried to invest in the relationship with your stepson over the years, and you have supported him financially and emotionally, but it sounds like you're feeling quite burnt out at this point - is that right?

You mentioned that your partner is also struggling - is she still able to see her son and support him in the ways she'd like to? 

I'm not sure if it helps at all, but a lot of behaviours such as excessive screen use and not contributing to the household can be quite common for teenagers - that doesn't mean it's never frustrating though. 

It sounds like your stepson is safe living with his father (is that right?) so taking some time for some breathing space sounds like it might be helpful - these things can be short or long term, there are no rules about it and relationships can change with time.

I'm wondering if your family has considered accessing any professional support (eg family counselling, or counselling for your stepson) if that feels like it could help?