I dislike my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

[Kokomokiki]

I look forward to days when he’s older too. Hopefully he doesn’t want to hang out with his friends and decide to skip a weekend…that would be so nice.

I cook for him, I’ll say hi back to him and whatever but that’s all I can handle. I don’t think my husband will ever accept that. He’s a big softie with big emotions and he wants us to be a big happy family. He wants me to be there for his son and LIKE it. I can’t.

[aprilrnga]

Sounds like they are one in the same. Lol. Seriously though.... I get it, they love their kids. I have never said to my hubby, don't love your son.  Vacations are off the table because we can never go without him. Huby gets him almost every holiday, so those suck. I can never spend time with my mom and dad during a holiday without stepson tagging along to family events on my side of the family where most people don't even know who this kid is. I have to sacrifice two weekends every month to do double the work when he's here. Double the cooking, cleaning, laundry, refereeing, etc. Like, my life is literally not my own anymore. I already work hard providing for my own two biological kids. Now, you tell me how hubbies can't understand that all of this creates one resentful person.

[Kokomokiki]

I feel like my life is not my own either. Every thing we do has to revolve around the stupid schedule and it just gets old.
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I have no issue with my husband loving his son either. I would never ask him to not see his son. But I feel like with the guilty dad syndrome he over compensates and puts my feelings last just to save face for his son because he wants to do what’s best for him. What about what’s best for our marriage? Our daughter? Me?

I’m lucky that my stepson doesn’t come over to my parents. My parents never accepted our relationship from the beginning so they wouldn’t like it if my husbands son came over to their house. So I drew the line there and I set my boundaries. At least I have my own side of the family untainted. Everything else in my life is literally taken over my his son. Bad thing is, when my husband has his son when my family is throwing a party my husband can’t come and I go alone with our daughter and I end up missing him.

[aprilrnga]

That is sad. Why don't your parents approve of the relationship, if you don't mind me asking? I'm sure that is also hard on the marriage.

Luckily, my mom agrees with me. She would never be rude to stepson or mistreat him, she just doesn't really care to spend time with him either. When we go visit my folks in FL., she pretty much lets me know that she wants to spend quality time with her own grand-kids. 

[Bre-RO]

Hi @aprilrnga and @Kokomokiki 

I just wanted to check in with you both after catching up on this thread. One thing that stood out was how similar your experiences are! It was lovely to see you supporting each other, and I can imagine it’s a relief to share your feelings and be understood openly. 

The disappointment, frustration and anguish of choosing between the “lesser evil” is such a difficult challenge to wrestle with every day. All this whilst managing day-to-day responsibilities - it’s understandable that the situation is weighing very heavy. 

There was mention of couples counselling. However, this wasn’t helpful due to the strategies suggested. So I’m wondering if one on one counselling is an option? It might be nice to have someones undivided attention and time to talk about how this situation is for you. I also hope that you can continue to support one another here and connect with other parents too. 

There are many parents and blended families in our community, and we value having these tough conversations. Our online community is here to support the well-being of all young people and their families. The community guidelines outline how we ensure the space is helpful for everyone. Here is a link if you would like to give them a read. 

We edited parts of the conversation that didn’t align with our community guidelines. However, we hope to work together as a community to discuss the experiences shared in this thread. We created a space here for blended/stepfamilies to support each other and share ways of coping when things are tough. Feel free to check it out and share your experience there too! 

Take care and hope to hear how you're both going soon.

[Ifeltfree18]

I am currently going through almost the same thing. We have taken custody of my husband's step son, who is now 12, about 2 and a half years ago. We got custody of him because his mother kicked him out due to the fact that she said he inappropriately touched his little sister multiple times (she was 5 at the time). When that happened I was 6 months pregnant with my son, so of course I'm thinking "oh its wise to bring in a child that is touching his sibbling to a home where a new born is on the way!" This child has a history of being in trouble. He has been sent to a psych hospital, yelled at the police, has very bad anger issues, and loves getting in trouble. I am at my wits end with him. He constantly likes to make you mad and doesn't care if you don't like him. I think he thrives on it. Over this past summer his older sister was here and she said she woke up to him holding scissors to her neck. I was told they were pranking each other and thats what siblings do these days by my husband.... I have since then put an alarm on my son's door! I constantly worry about my son being around him. I never want to leave them alone together. I have recently started having anxiety attacks and I know he is part of the reason. There is no point in trying to guide this child down the right path, I've tried everything. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, talking, not talking, everything! He does not want to change, nor does he care... I am worried down the road I will end up having enough and leaving my husband and I really don't want to. We don't have any arguments over his son, neither one of us want to be around him. But I am worried my health and happiness, along with my son's, will eventually get the best of it.

[Emily-RO]

Hi @Ifeltfree18  Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like what you are going through is very difficult at the moment and we're glad that you can talk about it here. I am sorry to hear about the hardships in your relationship with your stepson. It's a complicated position for you to be in right now, considering his behaviours and the strain it is putting on your family, as well as your individual health.

I want to celebrate that you’re speaking about this difficult situation with respect and empathy for your family. I want to check in and make sure that you are also supporting yourself during this difficult time. Do you have any supports for yourself? (e.g. friends, other family or professional support).

As you can see from this thread alone, there are many members of our community that have been through similar experiences. You are not alone and we're glad that you're here.

[amrirod]

I often ask myself why do I feel this way. I’ve been in my stepsons life since he was 5 years old. He’s now 13. My husband had custody of him up until 2 years ago. That’s when things changed for me. Because of problems with the bio mom (her lying on my husband saying he would leave their son alone, for example) caused too much friction. My husband had to leave out of state for work, and so he basically gave the bio mom custody. By this time, SS was 10 years old. Bio mom painted this pretty picture & so SS wanted to go live with her to live this great life. Mind you, she gave up her first child. That’s a different topic. Bio mom is a narcissist & manipulative to SS. He will believe anything she says. My issue with him is that when he visits every other weekend, he treats our son, his brother who is 6 like crap. He is mean to him. Bullies him. I seem like the bad person all the time because I’m constantly telling SS to stop badgering his little brother. My husband talks to him, but it doesn’t matter. At the end if the weekend, SS is back home. Another thing that bothers me is that I was there for SS since he was 5. The bio mom wasn’t there to make sure he had dinner, took a bath, take him to daycare, etc… she only started being a parent to him 2 years ago. My SS only sees these last 2 years & he adores her. I can’t sit there & tell SS his mom is a POS. But, I’m the wicked step mom. She feeds him lies about our family that makes him not want to be with us. The bio mom does not have a partner. She is alone. So she wants her son to be with her all the time. It’s not my fault she missed out on him when he was little. Although it’s not his fault, I resent him now.

[Sophia-RO]

Hi @amrirod, it sucks to hear about what you have been going through lately. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in as it is your stepson that has been having some behavioural issues. Sounds like your stepson really cares about his mother and father and wants to spend as much time with them as possible. It also sounds like things could be quite confusing for him as his mother has been in and out of his life at times. Does he see any professionals that can provide support to him throughout this?

It also sounds like things are taking a toll on you too as you mentioned you are starting to resent your stepson. Do you have any professional supports around you that you can talk to about how you are feeling?

[Kkajrz]

Sounds like you don’t like your stepson altogether. Regardless or not its probably important that your husband feels respected when it comes to his son from his previous relationship. Blended families can be difficult. My step son lives with us full time . You might want to try and set healthy boundaries to make everything fair and equal so there is no favouritism. It might be a little unfair for you to make all these different arrangements without his son . If he’s apart of your family, he probably wants you to accept him and include him . By the sounds of it you don’t see him all the time and he certainly doesn’t live with you full time.