12-12-2021 11:19 AM
Words out of my mouth! I just dread my husbands kids myself and I don’t want anything to do with them now and forever! I just don’t like them to have any kind of contact or communication with my hubby.
12-12-2021 03:51 PM
Hello @Bri29 , welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately, it sounds like you are in quite a difficult situation. I hope it has been helpful hearing some of the stories shared by other users. If you do want to share more about your situation, please feel welcome to create your own thread by clicking 'Start a topic' in the top right hand corner .
12-13-2021 10:18 AM - last edited on 12-13-2021 04:54 PM by Philippa-RO
This is from a Dad’s perspective who has been in a very similar situation. I am only going to use the details you provided in the post. From reading the situations you provided it sounds to me that you are going out of your way to exclude his son. You start off by saying “you literally cannot stand your stepson”. You then say his presence in “my home” makes him feel like and intruder followed by he is not a “bad” kid. It sounds to me that the issue is jealousy on your part, not so much because of your stepson, but what your stepson represents, and that’s your husband’s previous relationship. Your stepson is half of your ex. Does your husband have an amicable relationship with his ex? Or does she cause him/you constant grief? Usually the later will cause the new spouse to resent the children involved.
I also am hearing that you are going out of your way to exclude him. What reason would you have to not include his name on the Christmas card? Why not include him in everything? You don’t mention if your child comes and goes on the weekend, but do you make sure that the 9yo is included in everything?
I do agree that a 14 yo can make his own bowl of cereal, in that same breath so can a 9yo. What your husband sees is the effort you made to show attention to your son and not his.
If he lives 1.5 hours away that’s 6 hours a weekend he is spent driving. I use to have the exact same situation. My kids lived hour away. I would leave Friday at 4pm to go pick them up by 5. Drive hour back and get home around 6-6:15. Make dinner clean up etc etc and it’s usually 8-9 and ready for bed (I wake up for work at 4 am). So I got Saturday and Sunday every two weeks to spend with them. Before taking them back Sunday by 5pm. So basically I had about 16 hours of quality time I was able to spend with them before taking them back to there mother where she would have them for the next 336 hours before I got to see them again.
Your stepson is part of your husband. When you decided to MARRY not fall in love you decided to take all of him. I don’t hear any behavioral issues from the stepson, just that you don’t like him for whatever reason. You are an adult. Your stepson didn’t get the choice for you to be his stepmom, but you did choice to be his stepmom though!
12-13-2021 07:39 PM - last edited on 12-14-2021 01:31 PM by Philippa-RO
Hey @kingsl2000 ,
Thank you for your reflections over the original post. There's a lot of things to consider and I can imagine it's really helpful offering your personal perspective, experience and outlook. I'm not sure if the OP is still following the post, but I hope that your reflections can allow for an open-ended discussion on this topic.
01-05-2022 08:52 AM
I can sooo relate to your situation. I am not married but live common-law with my partner. We've been together for 6 years. I have a daughter who is now 14, and he has a son who's 15 and daughter who is 13 almost 14. The two girls are best of friends and have been since we first met. Their relationship is great and I love that my daughter has a step-sister and best friend. Plus my partner is a wonderful, kind man and I love him very much. But his son drives me insane! Right from the start I knew he had behaviour and social/emotional issues. Plus an undiagnosed learning disability. I'm also a teacher so I could spot the issue a mile away. My partner didn't see it and his ex is terrible and hates teachers so she was not too pleased that I was in the picture and didn't heed any of my advice to have him assessed and get him the supports he needed. So he went without any support and now as a 15 year old teenager with even more issues and I am at the end of my rope. He's incredibly lazy, a insanely picky eater, rude to the girls and fights with his sister all the time, only wants to hang out alone in the basement and play video games. Has no friends in real life, but a lot of strange friends online. He's constantly screaming and making strange noises downstairs with his online friends. My partner is a great person but not a strong parent. We fight a lot about it, and even saw a counsellor who gave us this advice: Let him parent his kids and I will parent mine. I had to learn to let go of trying to control the situation. It's sooooo hard to do, but I try my best. Things that he does that drive me nuts, I try to look the other way. I give my two cents to my partner, who does listen to me most times, but ultimately lets his son do whatever he wants. Whether that is staying up all night playing games or drinking a 2 L bottle of coke in one day, or not eating the dinner I made but having snacks afterwards. I would never allow these things if he was my son. And his mom doesn't allow it either, which is why my partner feels his son needs a break when he's at our place. My partner recognizes the bad behaviours but says, "Can't wait till he's 18," as if that will change anything. This is the kind of kid who would live in our basement until he's 40.
I am so torn because I accepted the kids when we got together. But it's becoming harder and harder to deal with his son. I now dread when his kids come over. It gives me terrible anxiety. His daughter has moments too, but generally I don't feel annoyed by her. So it tells me its not just the fact that he has kids, its this particular child and his lack of parenting. I accept my partner's parenting isn't going to change, nor is his son's behaviour. It'll probably just get worse. I do feel bad for his son in a lot of ways, because I feel both parents failed him. Every time I intervened, it caused a huge fight. So now I've given up, but I still can't stand his son.
I keep hanging on the hope that one day he'll move out and it won't be a problem anymore...but that's no way to live. And I feel bad, what kind of step mom am I to feel this way
01-11-2022 05:11 PM
@lil_lis that sounds like a really stressful situation for you - from what you've written, it sounds like you've really tried to resolve the issues with your partner and stepson.
How did you feel about the counsellor's advice that you each parent your own children?
Do you think it works for your family?
I feel for you - it does sound like a frustrating situation trying to manage the vast differences in parenting style, especially when you have other young people in the house to consider.
We have some articles here about blended families in case it's helpful to have a read through.
Do you think your stepson would consider linking in with any professional supports or counselling (if you think that would be helpful for him)?
It's a lot to have to manage - do you have much support for yourself through all this?
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