03-13-2022 04:01 PM
Hey @Mom2boys thanks for updating us here! It's great to hear that you have been able to discuss everything with your partner in detail, I hope that provided some relief. You mentioned that you have considered couples therapy, is this something that you discussed with him? Are you thinking that you may try it out with him? Seems like you and your partner are making some rational and considerate decisions, I am sorry to hear that it has resulted in you experiencing some mixed feelings.
Sometimes it can be hard to talk with our friends honestly about concerns in our relationships, so it is good that you are considering seeing a therapist where you can discuss it further with them. It sounds like you are having some difficulties when blending the family together, which can be quite common. Having different rules and boundaries must also be quite difficult to manage at times. Have you had the chance to discuss with your partner how upholding similar rules and boundaries with all of the children might provide some relief for your situation?
03-20-2022 07:55 AM
Thank you for sharing what has worked for you. I too am in a similar situation with a 15 yo step-son who is miserable, has little to no personality, cannot make friends at school, does not participate in the family, yet in coddled and enabled by both my husband and his mother. I honestly dread our time together.
Yet, I too decided that a divorce was not the solution I wanted.
Having been divorced once already. I know it is painful for the children, and my current husband and I have a child together that I would suffer greatly if we divorced.
I began to think that I could suffer through this situation another few years if it meant my youngest has a better chance of living in an intact home. Plus, at me age, any new relationship is likely to have step kids involved. I don't want to start over just to have to deal with similar problems... I'm already here.
It helps me to think of ur time together as a "visit", and put myself out there the way I might for any friend that was visiting my husband. I make dinner, I clean, I try to shut up and be tolerant and polite.
My stepson has lied about me and my other children repeatedly, so I am cautious not to get to close, or be alone with him for any extended period of time.
Other than that, I just think that in a few years my stepson will be moved out, and I would hate to have blown up my home and marriage, for someone so insignificant that will be less of a nuisance in just years to come.
Best of luck.
03-20-2022 03:45 PM
Hey @CatLover227 , I’m sorry to hear about the situation that you are in at the moment. Managing blended families can be quite a tough experience when the children have different boundaries with different adults. You mentioned that your husband enables his son’s behaviour and that this creates difficulties. Is this something that you have had the chance to discuss with your partner?
It sounds like you care a lot about your children and are supportive of their needs. Do you have anyone that has been supporting you through these tough times? Is there anyone that you feel comfortable talking to about the challenges with your step-son?
04-06-2022 02:57 AM - last edited on 04-07-2022 02:44 PM by Portia_RO
how do I deal with this one… 24 year old stepson schizophrenic bipolar scares me… And I can’t tell his father how much I struggle being around him… I struggled to support him even before he was diagnosed with all of this. I was never able to parent the kid when he was younger for fear that I would hurt his feelings and he would lose it on me and his dad. Now he is an adult and is having a hard time dealing with people and personality issues. His dad wants me to help him with things while he is away on business. I say I will help, but I am dreading having to support him on my own.
04-06-2022 10:47 AM
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your stepson is troubling you. It sounds like he is quite vulnerable.
It sounds like having an honest conversation with your partner might be warranted in this scenario. Have you considered having a chat with your partner about your concerns? You could say something like " Hey I want to help but can't help but feel XYZ, what's the best way to deal with X when he XX, I'm curious to know how you do it?" or something along those lines.
Alternatively, if you can't or don't want to look after your stepson alone while your partner is away, then another option is to organise respite for your step-son. It might be a good idea to speak to your partner about this.
I'd also recommend looking at some of the resources on the "Sane" website. They have lots of useful information on some of the more severe mental conditions like bipolar or schizophrenia, which might help you better understand your stepson's illness.
Please know that services do exist for carers. If you're living in Australia, there is Carers Australia who you can call for counselling sessions. You can find their number by just searching them on google.
Please feel free to keep us updated and create your own thread about your concerns.
04-06-2022 05:41 PM - last edited on 04-08-2022 11:27 AM by Portia_RO
To be honest, you might just have to fake it out. I know it's probably not the "best" advice, but I'm still having to pretend some days. Most days when he's here (I've raised him since he was 3. He's now almost 19), I typically go into my room and watch tv, go do dishes, or find something random to do. I'd recommend you just treat him like he's younger, you're on his side of whatever he's dealing wroth, don't try and make him see the reality of any situation, and just pray (to whoever you pray to). Good luck!!! Please update later
04-06-2022 05:45 PM
04-06-2022 05:57 PM - last edited on 04-08-2022 11:29 AM by Portia_RO
I am at the spot where you hope to be soon. My step son is now 18, and put the home. However, he got put out at 17 by the owner of the place we live/work. He's a bomb waiting to explode. I am only here to say that although it does get easier because he is out of the house, it also has its negatives as well. I'll give you a couple so that maybe you can "prepare", or maybe these aren't situations you'd typically find yourself in because of course all families are different.
In the beginning, my husband got depressed a little because he didn't exactly know how his son was making it financially. His son (In going to call Ray), also was younger and stating to experiment with drugs. We would hear things or see things on social media that would bother us. He is obsessed with guns (SO SCARY). He would call his dad all hours of the night to rant. He would need money ALL THE TIME!!! Of course when it became an issue to me I was being insensitive, cold hearted, hateful, etc. My argument is, you put yourself there. Therefore, how will he ever get his crap together if you're going to carry his weight?
04-06-2022 06:13 PM - last edited on 04-08-2022 11:30 AM by Portia_RO
Of course he wasn't. He wants to do drugs, run the streets, have guns in pictures with him, etc. He is on the "F*** the police" movement. Which is just downright disgusting to me. Since it's been quite awhile since I've came in here, I can shortly update. He had not be allowed back due to the situation I posted above. He is basically the exact same, except he now owns a couple guns. He does work at a fast food chain, but it is like his 6th job in a year. That tells me this will be a common thing. Work until you just find a reason to get a new one. His dad secretly sends him money every single day, sometimes 3-4 times. Mind you, I work hard for our money as well. Any time I bring this up, Its an argument. It would be great to add we've been together 16yrs and NEVER argue. We never fight or anything. I could bet we have argued less than 40x in all the 16yrs. We have healthy debates, lol.
Anyhow he did lose his biological mother this past year. His sister and him never spoke to her, they claimed to despise her. She wouldn't call on holidays or birthdays. The only time she would bother with them was when she needed to borrow money, for drugs. So I know that bothers him. But why use drugs if you hated that oh so much about your mom?
04-06-2022 06:15 PM - last edited on 04-08-2022 11:31 AM by Portia_RO
Yes!!!! My sister relates, but only because she has a very sick humor. It's very hard to talk to anyone at all without feeling like they will take it the wrong way.