I dislike my stepson and can't stand when he is around!

[Jax22]

Please tell me now you are dealing with this, I’m about to break

[Jax22]

I’m in the same position

[lil_lis]

Thanks, I do have some support...my mom, who I complain to regularily lol. Other than her, I talk to some friends but none of them are in my situation so are more of a sounding board. 

I know there are no perfect families let along perfect blended familiies. So, sometimes I just feel I need to suck it up and accept that I can't control everything. Some days I just want to pull my hair out.

That's just life,  isn't it? 

[lil_lis]

Thanks! Somehow just knowing you're not the only one in this situation is enough to make you feel a little better. Hang in there too!

[lil_lis]

Have you considered counselling? I think it helped us a bit. It didn't make the situation magically better, but gave me a strategy to get through tough moments.

[lil_lis]

What I did that could maybe help you is this: I journal a lot, so I decided to write about all the things that my stepson did that drove me nuts. Then I wrote about what my life would be like without my partner and his kids in my life. There would be some positives but a lot of negatives too. I realized I didn't want to have to leave my partner over his son.

So then I looked back at the list of things that drove me nuts about my stepson. I realized that a lot of them were not necessarily his fault per se, but the fault of parenting...or lack of.  I try to feel bad for him more than hating on him. It really works sometimes...othertimes I just grin and bear it. I guess, if it gets bad enough I'll feel that there would be more negatives than positives for staying with my partner, and then I'll know it's time to move on.

There's no easy answer, and I feel your pain. Maybe if you write about what your life would be like without your husband, things will beome a little clearer...

[Philippa-RO]

@Jax22 I really feel for you - it sounds like you're finding things so stressful. 
Are you able to talk to your partner or another trusted person about how you're feeling?
Or do you think some of lil_sis' suggestions would be helpful?

It must be so upsetting to feel this way when you have such a young baby together too.

You sound exhausted. 

Do you think a bit of breathing space would help at all?
Eg. I'm wondering if there's any way you might be able to get a break for a little while - for instance if you were able to go for a visit with family (with or without your partner) or if your stepson were able to to go for a holiday with grandparents or to a camp or similar? (Something he would enjoy).

We're here for you too whenever you need to talk. 

@lil_lis thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about what helped for you.
I really like your journalling suggestion - I've found myself sometimes that when I can't see the forest for the trees in a situation, even just writing down the pros and cons can make things a bit clearer.

I also really liked what you said about things not being your stepson's fault as such, but more a result of his circumstances.
It's not easy in the middle of all the stress and upset, but I think it's really helpful to try to take a step back and notice things like that wherever you're able to.

[Mom2boys]

I completely feel this situation. I have 2 boys 12 and 14. My boyfriend has a 14 yo girl, a 12 yo boy and a 6 yo boy. Our 12 yo boys were great friends before we met and we didn't even know it. We are both divorced 4 years. His ex is incredibly controlling and they still talk every single day. We have been together almost 2 years and have been discussing buying a house together. My problem is...I can't stand his kids. They are incredibly loud all the time, clingy (ALL OF THEM WILL HANG ALL OVER HIM). We both have 50/50 custody so every other weekend we have all the kids and every other Monday/Tuesday we would have all the kids. Then every other Weds/thurs we would just have his kids. My boys hate the idea of moving in together. His kids are constantly bouncing off the walls and my boys are very chill. And the sound of his kids voices are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I cringe when I know we have to spend time together which has been my idea to get all the kids used to each other. He thinks I have a harsh opinion of his children and I've explained that they are used to being able to act however they want and I wouldn't allow alot of their behaviors once we lived together. They don't do chores, leave messes everywhere, the daughter is constantly getting caught being inappropriate on social media that she hides or sending photos to boys on her phone. His 12yo son is okay but has major ADHD untreated and he and his ex refuse to put him on medication. Not to mention his exwife is engaged to a very wealthy man and flaunts their money constantly so the kids ask for expensive things when we do get together that I refuse to pay for. He is planning on proposing and I love this man more than anything. But I have gone so far as to say we may have to wait until his kids are out of high school before we move in together. He is great with my boys and they like him alot but have also voiced that they would go live with their father if we were to move in together which breaks my heart. I don't know why Im posting this other than to say I am so glad I am not alone. It's very helpful to read so many others dealing with the same feelings.

[Courtney-RO]

Hi @Mom2boys thank you for reaching out and sharing with us today. It's always nice when you find people going through similar situations, so we are happy to have you here!

It sounds like there is a lot happening in your household at this moment and I imagine it must all be so stressful and overwhelming for you. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a hard time with your boyfriends family. You mentioned that you and your boyfriend have discussed buying a house together, but it seems that there is a lot that you are currently weighing up. I was just wondering if there is someone that you would feel comfortable talking to about this? Whether it be a trusted friend or family member, or even a health professional.

I am also wondering if perhaps it might be helpful to sit down with your boyfriend and his kids and come up with some rules or boundaries. Does this sound like something that you might feel comfortable trying?

We have also had to make a few edits to your post to ensure that it stays within community guidelines.

We are all here for you.

[Mom2boys]

Thank you for your response. My BF and I have sat down and discussed everything in detail. Except my level of discomfort with his kids. He has mentioned that he would like me to work in my relationship with his daughter but he knows how manipulative she is and how difficult it is to work on this. I have considered trying couples therapy to help work through these issues. We ultimately decided to hold off on buying a house together for another year but we both have mixed feelings about waiting. Obviously he and I love each other and want to be together as much as possible but it comes down to the kids. He feels that he is doing what’s in their best interest when it comes to his ex and her level of control. And I’m not okay with many of the things she controls.
Like most women that fall into a new relationship I’ve pushed most of my friends away and I avoid talking to them about my relationship issues. Maybe a therapist would be a better idea. Rules and boundaries don’t sit well with his kids since he is bad about implementing then and following through with punishments. He also procrastinates so much it makes things difficult. I have my own rules with my boys that are followed fairly well but they are going through puberty so we are hitting a few walls at the moment. But when they are all together my 12yo tries to exclude himself or sit as far away as possible. My older one does very well with his 6 yo surprisingly but doesn’t care for his daughter. It’s a lot to blend a family with so many differences.