Hi @Norakirk0213 wow! Thank you for your candour . To acknowledge that you " hate " a child must be so hard , especially your step son , and also very brave of you . To be able to recognise this is a sign to me that you are a very good person who is struggling deeply . It must be really hard if you are parenting him alone too !
I agree with you that he will feel or sense this in some way even if you are being really careful around him and trying your best .
I agree with @Mona-RO it is important that you express to your husband that you are " not coping " with both children alone and that you need more support with your son . If your relationship with him is strained and he has no regular buffer with his Dad around to be a mitigating force of calm , love and support then it will escalate . I know of an exact situation like this and the child is off the rails and the relationship went south . I don't want to scare you but the reality is it will get worse if you and your husband are not a united force with a plan of action .Some suggestions :
Your husband find time every week at the same time to spend time alone with his son doing "boy " things .
Yiu get time alone with your daughter to do " girl" things .
You get time to yourself without children to be with girlfriends , laugh and have fun .
You and your husband have nights without the children to connect and discuss ways to deal with the children .
You make sure you have dinner as a family at least a few nights a week, where you can chat and also discuss and reiterate rules of the house . Dad needs to step up and back you up if your stepson is being lazy . Rules and consequences - no video games or TV until chores are done . Stick to the plan .
In terms of your relationship with your stepson - you are the adult , you have to work to get along with him and teach him loving interaction and good behaviour . Catch him doing something good when he is not aware and praise him :" Wow you sat and read quietly so well in your room " , " Thank you for taking out the rubbish when I asked I really appreciate it "
" You have cleaned your room so well today well done " If he's not at that level praise him for the simplest of things : brushing his teeth ! Speaking nicely to his sister whatever you catch him doing well .
Pick your battles - if you argue with him over EVERYTHING it will define your relationship forever and you will be exhausted and stressed . If you pick a battle make sure you win - every time .
Try to find time to do something with just him each week , like a card game , UNO ? or read a book together and chat about the characters . Something that takes the focus away from his " annoying " traits and you can just " be " .
The less attention you give him , the more he will grab for it even if its negative attention it's better than nothing . He needs to feel valued and loved to behave better . Sounds like there needs to be a lot to repair from his mothers abandoment too . This must be difficult for you all . Perhaps Dad can talk to him about this and sort something out with his mum for visitations ?
Perhaps get in touch with a step parenting group for support and guidance?
Let us know how you go . Please seek family counselling if you can't find a resolution and soon . He will get older and it will get harder to reverse the damage .
So sorry to hear this is happening to you ! Best of luck 😊
