pansexual 12yo

[jeeplass]

hi! I am a single parent of my mini me, a 12yo girl. Her dad and I split 8 years ago. She recently told me that she is pansexual. I actually have no worries about that at all, my concern is that she is 12! Is this a 'normal' age to discover this? She's so young... I am terrified she is thinking about sex, no matter who it is! I can understand if she is just feeling her way around, discovering who she might be, gaining an identity. Should I be concerned because of her age?

[Andrea-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @jeeplass, welcome to the forum! 

12 is definitely a normal age for kids to start thinking about who they like/start figuring out their sexuality. I am sure if you think back to yourself at that age, you would be able to recall classmates and friends that you would have had a crush on Often when we think about sexuality, especially in the context of queer identities, we can get caught up around the "sex" aspect. However, romance, crushes, and other (age-appropriate) attraction are just as important and part of growing up for queer kids as it is for their straight peers. 

It might also be a good idea to talk to your daughter about sex and dating. While she's still young (and I am sure she'll always be your baby ), it's always a good idea to give kids as much information as they need, so that they're able to make informed decisions. Plus by being open and honest, you're communicating to your daughter that you are someone she can trust if she needs to talk about things like this in the future  

[Andrea-RO · Accepted solution]

Hey @jeeplass, welcome to the forum! 

12 is definitely a normal age for kids to start thinking about who they like/start figuring out their sexuality. I am sure if you think back to yourself at that age, you would be able to recall classmates and friends that you would have had a crush on Often when we think about sexuality, especially in the context of queer identities, we can get caught up around the "sex" aspect. However, romance, crushes, and other (age-appropriate) attraction are just as important and part of growing up for queer kids as it is for their straight peers. 

It might also be a good idea to talk to your daughter about sex and dating. While she's still young (and I am sure she'll always be your baby ), it's always a good idea to give kids as much information as they need, so that they're able to make informed decisions. Plus by being open and honest, you're communicating to your daughter that you are someone she can trust if she needs to talk about things like this in the future  

[jeeplass]

Thank you so much! she was upset when she told me she was pansexual. I just gave her a big hug and told her how brave she is and that I loved her no matter who she dated as long as they were good to and for her. then I had her put on her shoes so we could clean the yard (already had planned to do that) because I felt she needed some routine to bring her emotions back down.

I was sexually abused at a young age so my vision is a bit skewed of what 12yo's go through. I try to be there for her and talk to her but I don't want to push. when she clams up I stop and try to make her laugh instead. She gets uncomfortable talking about it.
You have set my mind at ease though so hopefully I can get my head out of the way so I can properly be there for her. Thank you!

[Maddy-RO]

Hey @jeeplass - it sounds like you reacted perfectly to your child's disclosure   You've really made it clear that you'll accept her no matter what her sexuality is, and that's exactly what young people need from their parents (generally speaking). It's also great that use used some gardening to help ground her. You sound like a wonderful parent, and she is lucky to have you!

Also, just letting you know that I edited 1 aspect of your post, and replaced it with "sexual abuse" because the term you used is a method of abuse which goes against our guidelines that are listed here. I hope this is okay with you.

[jeeplass]

thank you so much for both the comments and the edit, sorry about that! I firmly believe that my ceiling is her floor, and I try to raise her up to walk it. thank you though, it makes me feel like I might be doing an ok job so far... we'll see how much more we can handle once she hits the teen years in full force.

[Hannah-RO]

Hey @jeeplass, just wondering how things are going for you and your daughter now? "My ceiling is her floor" is such a beautiful way of looking at parenting, I was quite moved reading that. It's clear how much you adore your daughter, she is lucky to have you in her corner