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separation- alcohol and parenting agreements

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separation- alcohol and parenting agreements

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Lovingmama

separation- alcohol and parenting agreements

Hello All,

 

I am a new member to this forum and I joined because I am in the early stages of separation from my husband whom I was married to for 15 years. We have 2 girls aged 13 & 10 and we have started having discussions about a parenting agreement.

 

My husband has bipolar type 2 and his (daily) use of alcohol has been problematic throughout our marriage, creating tension between us, anxiety for our girls and also at times hindering his ability to parent them (alcohol makes him very tired and demotivated so it definitely hinders his capacity to be present for our girls in a structured way- eg. get their homework done). 

 

Over the years, the only times he has stopped/reduced his drinking is when I have threatened to leave him. Now that I am leaving, there is no longer any incentive for him to reduce his drinking and I am worried that it will quickly escalate when I finally move out of the house.  Left to his own devices, he tends to drink daily in the evenings, about 7-8 standards drinks per night, but it can be more than this if he is stressed/depressed/not coping.

 

When he is drunk, he is not at all aggressive, he just gets very tired and removed. At the same time, my husband is also a loving dad and he cares about our girls very much. We are currently on civil terms and I would like to keep it this way for the sake of our girls.

 

He has asked for equal time in terms of the girls and I am willing to go with that but I am also very concerned about his use of alcohol when he has the girls in his solo care.

 

In order to address my concerns, I have suggested to him that we could get a consent order specifying that we must not drink whenever the kids are in our care but he has point blank refused, telling me that he is a responsible parent and that he can moderate his drinking when required.

 

The problem I have is that I know from my experience being married to him that once he starts drinking daily (and there is no doubt in my mind that he will drink daily once I move out), the quantities he drinks will quickly escalate. And I won't be around to look out for my girls when he does drink.  On the other hand I also worry that pressuring him for a consent order (and possibly going to court) will destroy whatever good will is left between us might and significantly impact on the long-term wellbeing of our girls.

 

Has anybody else had experience with similar issues which they can share with me? 

 

Thank you

 

 

 

 

nce 

Star contributor
Janine-RO

Re: separation- alcohol and parenting agreements

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Hi @Lovingmama , 

 

Thanks so much for posting to the ReachOut Parents forums. It sounds like you're in a really challenging situation, and I can hear how much you want the best for your girls and are putting them at the centre of all your decisions - that is so important when you're going through a separation. 

 

I'm wondering if you've ever tried family mediation? Relationships Australia offer family dispute resolution services (their website is here), where separating parents can work together to create a parenting agreement  with an experienced family dispute practitioner - it can often be really helpful to have an impartial  third party involved, and it would hopefully be a less high pressure experience for the two of you than proceeding to court. It's all about keeping the best interests of the children at the heart of the discussions. 

 

Al-anon

is another group which may be helpful for you - they provide support to the friends and family of people who abuse alcohol, and help support people who may be affected by someone else's drinking - I suspect a lot of people there would get what you're going through. 

 

It sounds like this would be a pretty stressful time for you - how are you coping with it all? Do you have anyone who is helping to support you? I know there's parents on here at various stages of the single parent path - I'm just tagging a few of them here in case they have something to add from their experiences.  I was also a sole parent for 4 years myself, and I know it can be a tough road - but you clearly have your kids' best interests at the heart of everything you're doing, and I think that as long as that's your foundation, they will be ok. They sound very lucky to have you as a mum. 

@SoloGig  @Stepmumma4  @Paiyuraq 

 

 

Star contributor
Janine-RO

Re: separation- alcohol and parenting agreements

Hi @Lovingmama , 

 

I just wanted to check in - how is everything going for you at the moment?