Advice regarding 13 yro with behavioural problems

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Advice regarding 13 yro with behavioural problems

Our 13 year old daughter has been displaying manipulative behaviour for a number of years but it is getting worse and more insidious. I am at breaking point and we are getting no help from her psychs because she refuses to speak to them or implement their stratergies. She keeps getting referred back and foward while getting no where.
If she doesn't want to do homework or wear her uniform or participate in school she threatens to kill herself, the school have contacted us numerous times in regards to these threats. She describes in detail how she wants to kill me eg poison or "I will stab you in the neck and frame dad and say you were fighting about his ex gf". She steals from me, causes fights between people (for example tells intricate stories or changes details about something and tells it to 2 different adults and tries to plant seeds for them to argue), lies for the sake of lying, goes through my things and stalks every social media account I have, she hurt my 4yro niece just to comfort her, Im terrified of her and what she will do to our son when I'm not around. Her goal in life is for her dad to die so she can travel on his life insurance/super. The list goes on.
I don't let her know I am afaid and we push on like normal but I am at the point where I want to leave my partner. He is broken hearted about her behaviour (as we have never raised her to be like this and both of us are driven people who communicate openly and rationally). He said to me that he loves her but absolutely hates her at the moment. I am desperate for help and we are getting no where.
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Re: Advice regarding 13 yro with behavioural problems

Hi Throwaway,

 

It's wonderful that you are communicating your families current difficulties in this forum and is a positive step in the right direction. It appears that your family are all struggling with the behaviours exhibited from your daughter and my heart totally empathises with your plight!

 

Your daughters threats against herself and others need immediate addressing and it seems as though no-one is providing the help that you require. When you get to the stage you are at (although no matter how desperate you may feel, no situation is hopeless), it would be a relief to have someone to take over....would that be correct?

 

Have you tried getting in contact with the mental health access line or your local community mental health centre? Their acute team of workers could have a child and adolescent worker to give you the support you need.

 

In regards to your partners and your relationship......had you considered getting some relationship counselling? Having a teen with mental health issues really puts a strain on relationships....this is only "normal" and you need some assistance, support and strategies to deal with the situation at hand. Only when things stabilise with your daughter (with getting the appropriate support your family need) will you be in a calmer state of mind to make a decision about whether to stay in or leave the relationship.

 

Being in the middle of a crisis is probably not a great time to make any life-changing decisions. I can feel the desperation and feelings of being overwhelmed throughout your post and I can honestly say "I understand" because I and others have been in very similar situations with our own teenagers and relationships. Its such a difficult road but one day you will get some relief....once the support systems are in place.

 

Do you have a family member who could help with your daughter? Someone to give you some respite? I do feel however that if your daughter is in immediate danger of harming herself or others (and her threats might just be words but still need to be taken seriously), then the intention needs to be addressed via a mental health worker. She might need to be taken (under duress) for an emergency assessment at a local hospital.

 

You could also talk with a police youth liaison officer.....the local police station could have such a worker....and they might be able to talk with your daughter about her threatening behaviours. Safety is paramount and it could come to you having to actually phone the police.

 

This experience you are going through has many challenges. It will instigate a rollercoaster of emotions for you and your partner (as well as the rest of the family). You are not alone........get as much support in place as possible.......you will learn to be proactive as action is the only way. Its tough, but not impossible.

 

Good luck, Throwaway.....keep in touch.