My 16 yo daughter wants to move out after lashing out with my partner
12-10-2018 06:13 AM - last edited on 12-10-2018 12:30 PM by Jess1-RO
Hi everyone, I am new here and need help. Long story short, my only daughter who will turn 17 early next year after lashing out with my partner on the edge to move out. It will be last year of her high school and there is no way she is ready to live by herself yet. I was a single mum until she turned 12 we moved in with my current partner. My relationship with the daughter has not been great already before my partner arrived since we did have some issues in working together. She also got confused because my family was not so supportive to me which made her think that she was neglected when I had to leave her with them sometimes to travel to work. When we moved in with my partner things seemed to be fine for the first year. She was still challenging but cooperative. However their bonding was not so strong either and got worse in the 2nd year when she started having some problems in her school. Then we moved to another place and my partner couldnt join us right away. Since then my relationship with my daughter went downhill as we were all stressed out with the move. She became more negative, uncooperative and rude. We had more fights and did go to counsellor and therapy but things did not improve. Then my partner joined us again. She did not like it as she felt that there would be one more person in my team and harder to get away from things or push more boundaries. My partner is supporting me in enforcing the disciplines in the house and she hates it. She didnt like the school although she was doing quite well so begged us to move. We moved again when we had chance and she love the new school. However things got worse at home to the point that we are all stressed out. She attempted suicide once over internet access issue. We sent her to counsellor but it did not work out well. She tried to push more bounderies for more freedom and our fault was not changing our approach quickly enough. We have been very protective and all disciplines we put in place just to make sure that she would not go wrong. Anyway, few weeks ago she came home late without informing us earlier and broke down on the street over a message asking where she was and the reason. Her boyfriend took her to hospital and we were not informed until I asked her bf mother his mobile number. She was kept overnight at the hospital and discharged in the following morning. There was no assessment or diagnoses result about her mental health and she was not given any meds except some panadols as she said she got headache. We then met with her counsellor and she was still angry with us indicating that she didnt want to have any interactions with us for few days. She has always stated that she wants to do things her own way on her own terms and hates to be told what to do. Things were quiet for few days then she lashed out again with my partner over the reminder about using phone time. This time things escalated very fast and she became verbal abusive, tried to hit my partner and threatened to hurt him and then kill herself. We called a family friend for help hoping she would calm down but she couldnt so friend called the police. As soo as police arrived she calmed down. She was the taken to hospital by ambulance and kept there for 3 nights. They would like to discharge her after 2 nights as she was ok but since the clash we could not find a place we think is safe enough for her yet. Now she is determined to move out but we know that she is not ready. She works only 3 hours per week and still wants to go to school. Her academic result as been always good although she always complains that too heavy for her but she spends her time more on the phone and computer doing other things rather than studying and wait for the last minite to do her work which makes her more stressed when the deadline approaches then she blamed us to force her to take heavy workload. Anyway, there are a lot of other details but I am clueless now as I dont want her to move out, especially in the final year. But i dont see that she can be in the same house with my partner for a while and i dont know how much more I can take if she threatens to commit suicide whenever she does not get what she wants. My partner moves out for 1 week to give us some space but things did not get better. She moved back to the house and still said that she wanted to move out to do whatever she wants without being told. I asked her what a day would look like in her dream life and she said goes to school and play games all day. Then I asked how she would finance herself if moving out she said she would drop some subjects then use that time to work. Ok, i think i vent enough here and it may get confusing. I have some issues with her current counsellor who seems to be enforcing her that she is entitled to many things. She was diagnosed with no mental health illness so it is plainly to act out for more freedom. We are willing to change our approach which will give her more freedom to own her responsibility and learn. However, now i feel I am trapped between my daughter and partner as I cant see them being together. I am also stressed out just being myself with her. I would like to try family therapy but it either too late or too early as she was not ready to go to other place except her counsellor. What should I do now? Sorry for the long post and thanks for your support.
Re: My 16 yo daughter wants to move out after lashing out with my partner
12-10-2018 01:31 PM
Hi @Bighope and welcome to ReachOut!
I can see this is your first post here- I hope you find this community is safe and supportive place to talk about what is happening in your family.
Reading through your post, it sounds like such a tough situation you are in with your daughter at the moment. I can imagine it must be so hard to watch the dynamic between your daughter and your partner, and her recent want to move out of home. I am really sorry to hear how hard it has been, and really feel from your post just how much love you have for your daughter
When she was in hospital, did the hospital have any discussion about her housing? Did they link her in with any community teams?
You mentioned family therapy and wanting to have a space to work with your daughter on these issues, but weren't sure if she'd come. If she is not open to coming, I'm wondering if you might be interested in our parents service that offers 1 on 1 support for parents? We provide support sessions to Australian Parents where you can explore any concerns you have with your teenager (12-18) and create an action plan. It might be helpful to speak through some of the concerns you have with your daughter and get some support around where to go from here. If you are interested, you can find out more here
It sounds like there is so much happening at home, and we are always here to support you if you want to chat, update us on how you are going, or if you just want to speak to others who can understand. We are here for you