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Problems with schools and school counsellors

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Problems with schools and school counsellors

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Prolific scribe
Schooner

Problems with schools and school counsellors

Hi guys,

 

First of all the important stuff: my son (depressed, suicidal, anxious, self-harming in 2016 -17) is now happily at a new school. No days off since August last (fingers crossed). Took the bus home on his own yesterday for the first time (nervous Dad pretending to fiddle with the car out the front -  very glad to see him walk into our street). I'm also feeling stronger after a period of exhaustion in late 2017. So that's all good.

 

Not so good however is the old school, who treated my son very badly, in my opinion. They ignored his extreme anxiety about people knowing the details of his illness and treatment and shared his confidential medical reports with quite a few staff and even an external consultant, after they had assured us that the reports would stay in counselling (and after my sons specialist asked them in writing to keep the number of people involved to a minimum). The stress of thinking "everybody knows about me" put his anxiety through the roof.

 

They made a decision in March 2017 to "encourage" him to leave the school, and to this end the Deputy Principal contacted us a number of times giving us every reason he could think of to get us out: "we don't have the resources", "if we expel him it will be harder to get into another school", etc etc. This is also after the specialist had made it clear to the school that attending school was a protective factor for my son. We made it clear that we did not want the risk of moving him to a new school because it would increase his stress even more. These discussion reduced my wife to tears and caused her to have nightmares. They continued after we made it clear we didn't want to move him.

 

I'll point out here that this was not a public school. It was a fairly expensive independent school. We picked it because we thought the extra-curricular activities would really suit my son. The school had the hide to suggest that the local public school was "better resourced". I checked the My School website, this independent school had twice the budget per student compared to our local public HS.

 

Finally, when we politely asked for permission to discuss what we saw as breaches of the Privacy Act, the Principal wrote back and threatened to "reconsider XXXX's enrolment" (i.e. expel him) if we did not co-operate (i.e. if we didn't just roll over and forget his rights under the Privacy Act). By the way, you will notice we were bending over backwards to keep these guys happy (asking for 'permission' to discuss something). Didn't work.

 

At the same time my son's anxiety about going back to this school spiked. He could not return in Term 3, and I don't blame him.

 

The school unofficially maintained that they were worried about my son being violent. My son has not had a single incident of violence at school (or at home), his discipline record is perfect. Twice he went to see a school counsellor and expressed his anger. The first time after a kid rubbed a sandwich into his face. He has food allergies and has been hospitalised for a similar assault before. He did not approach the other student (no physical or verbal approach) but instead went to the counsellor who asked him how he felt. My son replied along the lines of "I hate that kid, I want to kill him" and when prompted made threats against kids who had bullied him in the past. Apparently the way my son said it made the counsellor concerned, although frankly I'd be really angry too. Keep in mind my son was also trying to adjust to various new medications for depression and anxiety. That was the trigger for the decision to get my son out. 

 

A few months later my son needed a time out. He went to counselling hoping to sit quietly for a while, which was something we had arranged. The counsellor saw him, and asked him in to his office. Luckily I got to school very quickly, and I found two counsellors "interrogating" my son. They were leading him, and almost delightedly asked my son to "tell Dad about the gun". It took me no time at all to calm down my son, and to work out he had been telling them about a toy nerf gun. In case you don't know, they fire foam bullets. At home we sometimes have an all-in family shoot out, with foam bullets flying everywhere. Nevertheless the two counsellors told the Principal that they were afraid of their own safety.

 

The Deputy told us he thought the counsellors were "burnt-out", and the Principal arranged it so he would not have to see them again. By that time it was too late, my son could not face that school and we pulled him out at the start of Term 3.

 

I know some of that sounds ridiculous.

 

Right now we have lodged formal complaints with the Privacy Commission and with the Human Rights Commission (for disability discrimination). I don't know how that will go. I'm acting on behalf of my son, who tells me he wants to protect other "children and families" he might be in the same situation. I don't have a lawyer, and it is a bit of a strain (I do have some experience as a state government regulator in a former life, so I think I can manage for a while). I've decided I need to have a go at these people. I don't want it to be a vendetta, I think that is a negative approach. But I do want to do something, these people have to understand they are not above the law.

 

So....does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts.

 

Super long post, thanks for staying to the end.

Cheers

 

 

Super star contributor
taokat

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Hi @Schooner, firstly, I'm so glad your son is settled into his new school and doing well, that's such great news! Congratulations to you all for getting to this point. It's been a long hard slog for you.

 

Reading your post, I really feel for you and would be very upset as a parent myself. It sounds like they have been incredibly inappropriate in their actions which is frustrating and unacceptable. 

 

One thing that came to my mind for getting help with this was your local MP. They can often advocate on your behalf or steer you in the right direction. 

 

The Department of Education might be another avenue to look into? Even though it's an independent school, they might be able to offer some assistance. There has to be some governing body for independent schools who would be worthwhile making a formal complaint to? 

 

This must all still be very taxing on you, however I'm glad to hear you're feeling stronger. I'm finding that now that my daughter is at tafe and doing so much better, I've hit the wall. It's really confusing for me as I've held it together through really tough and trying times, but not coping now that things are okay!?! May I ask if that was your experience too? 

Prolific scribe
Schooner

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Thanks for slogging through my post @taokat! I find it therapeutic just to write these things sometimes Smiley Wink it helps settle things in my head.

 

Yes, I am thinking some sort of political approach might be good too, probably our local member and Minister for Education. I'd really like the rules tightened up on Independent schools, and the public servants wont do that. So I'll give that a go. I was hoping to have a final answer from a public servant so it would not be just me saying "they're bad!". I might get an answer in a few weeks, fingers crossed.

 

I've been thinking about the Dept of Ed just this last week. There is a group that oversees independent schools, making sure they stick to their licence conditions. I haven't contacted them yet, I'm hoping to finish with the Privacy Commissioner shortly, that will give me a little free time to contact another department. So, thanks, another good bit of advice! 

 

Regarding your wall....that is curious. I'm similar to you, I hit mine when I could see my son was nearly there. It was frustrating, because I wanted to be with him right to the end. We had been through so much together! But that last time he needed to go to Emergency, my heart sank (as usual) but I also noticed my hands and arms trembling. I had the shakes! I knew I was done, I couldn't face up to Emergency again (I'd done it four times in the previous month, from memory, as he was trying to settle on his current meds). I was also battling with his old school, and trying to find a new school and settle him in there, all in the same 4-6 weeks.

 

Are you feeling better yet @taokat? It took me about 4-5 months. I hope you are feeling better Smiley Happy

 

Really glad to hear your daughter is doing well too. That's what its all about.

Cheers

 

Super star contributor
taokat

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Anytime @Schooner! I find writing very therapeutic as well, it's a fantastic outlet for thoughts and emotions.

 

I hope you hear back from a public servant soon. That would definitely add weight to your case. I really admire you following this through, and your son's reasoning for wanting to create change. These kids are going to be the advocates of the future! I'd be really keen to hear any updates.

 

I'm wondering if we crash because we see some light at the end of what has been a long tunnel, we exhale, leaving us nothing more than a puddle on the floor?!! I'm still finding myself to be the puddle, but working on it Smiley Happy 

 

I couldn't agree more - our goal is to see our guys come out the other end doing well. Thank you, it is such a relief, and 4 weeks in she hasn't missed a day. She's even made new friends and caught up with them socially last weekend Smiley Very Happy

 

 

Prolific scribe
Schooner

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Yes @taokat, I think you are right about collapsing at the end. We push on in the middle burning adrenalin or something similar, but when we think the risk has reduced we just don't produce enough of whatever it is makes us go. By then, we have burnt through our reserves and there is nothing left in the tank.

 

You think you are just a puddle, but you still support others here on this forum! Yeah, I see you. Good on you Smiley Happy 

 

Isn't it just fantastic when they make new friends (especially good ones)! When my son first started at the new school I would watch him walk up to the carpark on his own...for maybe 4 weeks. Then he was in a group, just walking along. Now he wants to hang out with a few mates after school and chat, so I have to wait. But I don't mind a bit, watching him laughing and talking about things with 2 or 3 other boys makes my day. On the holidays he was going out twice a week at least, with new friends and some old friends too. 

 

We've got our first formal meeting with the Commissioner and the school on Friday, fingers crossed Smiley Happy

Cheers

Contributor
Sister

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Hi Taokat and Schooner,

 

Just need you both to know that reading your posts has supported me so much going through a really difficult time. The fact that your teenagers have made progress is an indication of the immense love you have for them both.

 

Schooner....with everything you and your family have been through, you are still continuing to be an advocate for your son. Thats remarkable. Don't give up because you have come this far. However.......look after yourself and don't burnout!

 

Taokat.......give yourself some nurturing where you can. Also do something FUN.

 

My own situation has brought a lot to the surface.

I have been so exhausted with dealing with my sons issues, moving house, changing schools, not working for 6 months so I could care for my son, now shift work, property settlement, divorce.....its been absolutely horrible! There hasn't really been time to socialise or meet new friends but this will come!

 

I'm embarking on counselling this Friday...now that my son is temporarily staying with family I've had this incredible time to reflect on the last few years. I feel everything has taken its toll now I have had this opportunity for silence. But I shall be ok......my son too.

 

So I just wanted to say a huge "THANK YOU" to you both for all that you have done to help others on this forum. I too find comfort in assisting other people with their hardships, and if we can use our own experiences to do that....then that can only be a positive thing.

 

How could anyone truly know what we've been through with our kids if they haven't walked a similar road? Am so happy for you both that your children have turned a corner. It shows that through all situations, there is hope.

 

What has been the key for you as individuals?

 

 

Star contributor
Breez-RO

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Hey there @Sister well done on booking counselling. Really keen to get an update on how you go with the therapist, this is such a positive step & most definitely the beginning of emotional recovery throughout this journey.

Prolific scribe
Schooner

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

You are really welcome Sis Smiley Wink

 

I think we have a lot to share as parents. Nobody tells us the full story! Doctors, psychologists, counsellors, teachers, nurses...even our kids leave out important stuff (and flat out lie sometimes). We've got to put it together ourselves, and sharing our stories helps.

 

We're also on 24/7....everyone else gets to turn off at 5 pm or whatever. We can't. And we can't put up our hands and give up, the buck stops with us. We will never have the detachment that a professional will have, which is good and bad. And YES - listening to those who have walked that path is valuable. No offence to our charming RO's, but sometimes I read their responses and I think: "you haven't been there!"

 

 

What is the key for me? I dunno! To be honest I had no interest in kids until I had my own (yeah, I'm a guy). But I found out I've got a talent as a Dad. Just don't tell my kids that (because I'm the biggest fool on the planet, apparently). I did decide to treat this problem (my sons mental health) like a project at work, so I organised and thought it through as much as possible and tried to give it the resources it needed, including a huge amount of my time.

 

I guess one key for me is that I didn't have to work full time. I got a pay out from my former job, my wife wanted to work full time, so it kind of fitted together. The problem was that when my son was bad I couldn't do ANY work! Made things a little tight, we are still recovering from that financial hit. 

 

So when I hear of people who have to juggle work and time off and everything....I really feel for you. It makes me think I've had it relatively easy.

 

Cheers! 

Contributor
Sister

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Hi Schooner,

 

You haven't had it "easy'! Don't compare. I read somewhere that comparing ourselves with others can trigger depressive symptoms. I have a habit of doing this. I read the forums and think "wow...they think they've got problems" or "compared to others, my problems are nothing". Your family is most fortunate to have you on board. A loving father, husband and friend. You have spent TIME with your son and that is a gift to be treasured. How many other parents just focus on their own needs and money all the time? The material things mean very little if you don't have health in your family (as with our sons). You have worked hard to be where you are now......so don't think you have it easy at all. You deserve the best that life has to offer....we all do.

 

I had a work colleague talk to me the other day about her son who was swearing....it seemed relatively tame compared with my own sons behaviours...however, I stopped comparing and really listened to her story because it was obviously distressing for HER.

 

Although I work shift work I can financially manage on part-time work wages....I also choose to be here for my son (when he is at home) and prefer time over money. Im fortunate that I receive a reasonable pay in my profession and I must admit......work has just become a job to pay the bills these days. I needed to use some superannuation when I had 6 months off work recently.......as a solo parent how could I possibly leave my son alone when he was experiencing major depression along with lots of behavioural problems and school refusal?! 

 

Have lost a lot of my motivation and energy....my sons issues have really zapped my inner strengths. Its all catching up with me. I probably needed to get the counselling a long time ago. Was getting supports in place for my son plus trying to deal with all his behaviours on my own.....like a lot of parents in a similar situation, I was neglecting my own needs. Its like learning to walk again.

 

Through everything, I am grateful to have what I have. I have the capabilities to lead a useful life but just need to be healthy to deal with all of my sons issues. I need to get some joy into my life because its been really hard and I've been doing it alone. Being there for everyone else......always the helper but now I'm on the receiving end. There are huge lessons to be had here and we are all on our own journeys.

 

There is a lot to deal with, but its not impossible. On a positive note, my son phoned me last night and wasn't abusive. His lovely, thoughtful side was there so I am just going to think of that conversation to get me through the next day or so.

 

As a wonderful teacher once said..."enjoy the untoothache times". Oh yeah....and have a sense of humour!

 

Thank you for "listening".

 

Sis

 

 

 

 

Contributor
Sister

Re: Problems with schools and school counsellors

Thank you for your support, Breez. You are absolutely right.