Rejection

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Frequent scribe

Rejection

I have just been rejected by a close friend. 5 friend rejections in 4 years is too much I am tired of the judgements and accusations. It has triggered my ptsd. I am tired of being hurt over and over again. All of I have ever done is tried to help them.
My 18 year old has also been giving me the silent treatment for almost 6 weeks and blaming me for her issues.
The question is why me? What have I done to deserve this?
Super frequent scribe

Re: Rejection

Sorry to here things are pilling on top of you @mrskode

Opening yourself up to others always comes with the risk of bettong hurt.

Sadly it is far to often we are hurt but with out opening up we can never find the true friends who we were ment to find

I know you have short help for relationships with your daughter.have you got help for ptsd?

Sometimes you need to help yourself before you can help others

Prolific scribe

Re: Rejection

 Dear @mrskode , I am so sorry to hear you have been rejected so  much in your life recently. This must be very difficult to deal with .

There is nothing so painful as being pushed away when you feel you give so much. Its the time we always ask " what is so wrong with me that they don't want to be with me ?"

We often answer that question ourselves, and our negative "chatter " can see us going around in circles in our head trying to solve this question. However without the in put of those who have rejected us , we find we get nowhere fast and end up at the same point again " but why?".

The rumination keeps going and we feel worse, beating ourselves up in to  swirls of anxiety and depression. 

 

First of all, there are many factors that contribute to why friendships fail and they do not always mean its your doing !  Without knowing the details of the rejections , I  would say though, that courageous communication is the key .

Finding a time and place to talk about it with them is one idea that may work. 

This may look like this :

1.Call them up on a day when you feel strong and centred and say, " I feel that we have grown apart recently , I enjoy your company so much and really value you as a friend. Could we perhaps talk soon about what went wrong ?" or :  " have I done something wrong or hurt your feelings in anyway ? I miss you and hope that we can talk about it over a coffee soon ?"

Writing down what you want to say is also a good idea if you find nerves make you a bit tongue tied on thew phone. 

 

2.You could email them if you feel to emotional to discuss it  in person or over the phone. Some people , (myself  included )prefer to write as they can feel their emotions take over and they find it hard to articulate clearly and in a non-defensive logical manner their thoughts in a awkward discussion 

 

It does mean you have to be brave enough to accept the outcomes of your broaching the subject and waiting to see their responses. You may hear things that are confronting ( especially if you are honest about their validity ) and things that really sting, but remember your aim is to reconnect not win the fight and so choose to own what you know deep down to be true of you, and say it out loud to them. 

 

3. Apologise for what you did. The way someone sees an interaction and its outcomes depends on their perspective. Their perception , while not necessarily factual , is how they felt it at the time and its important to acknowledge this even if you don't agree with it or it was not your intention. Their take away was hurt - that is a fact . By the same token do not accept ownership of something you know was not the truth . 

This takes a very brave person !! You have to be willing to be vulnerable !

 

I believe however that it is worth the leap and the risk of the friendship not surviving. If it does not repair , at least you can say you tried , and you can move on with peace in your heart knowing you did  your best. 

Remember none of us are perfect , you can make mistakes and redeem yourself, you deserve it, and  if not then the friendship  was not meant to be . When you work from integrity and have a willing spirit, the real friends will see this in you and forgive you. 

 

We are all evolving , all the time, and hopefully as we learn new lessons we can become better friends for the new friends of the future. 

 

Perhaps give me more context if this does not resonate with you . Best of luck .

 

Blessings Motherbear 

 

 

 

Frequent scribe

Re: Rejection

motherbear, I appreciate that you are trying to help, however, I suggest that you seek out more infomation before you give advice. There is alot more to this story than you know. I have been offended by my friend and you are suggestng that I apologise. I find that to be offensive. Communication is not the problem here. My friend has given her input The only mistake I made was sticking to my values and beliefs. I am not going to apologise for that. I am also not going to apologise for standing up for myself. I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. This friend holds onto to grudges for a very long time. It is not in my best interests to fight for this friendship. In order to take care of myself, I need to let this friendship go and move on.
Community Manager

Re: Rejection

Hey there @mrskode,.

I can hear how hurt you are by the situation with your friend - and we absolutely  can not know the full story-  I'm sure there's  a whole history of friendship. 

@motherbear  was certainly trying to be helpful in offering relationship repair advice - but it sounds like they may have misinterpreted your situation, and your post - so easily done on the internet! 

 

All I can say is that rejection and the ending of a friendship is really painful and difficult. 

It sounds like you've stuck to your values, and your friend has not accepted them, or decided for whatever reason, to leave the friendship. This is heart-breaking. 

We can only ever control our own behavior, and not anyone else - even our loved ones.  Sometimes we have to accept these things happen and work out how to move forward. 

 

Your question about "why me" is a painful one - it assumes you've dont something wrong. It doesn't sound like believe you have done anything wrong in this situation. 

 

Have you been able to reach out to other friends, or people around you for support with this?

Losing a friendship can take some grieving and healing to move through. 

Heart

Prolific scribe

Re: Rejection

Thanks Gina .
Casual scribe

Re: Rejection

Can't help with the friends part (I'm kinda used to losing friends), but it sounds like your daughter just needs space. She needs to live her life and experience it. Don't pry. Ask how her day was, if anything interesting happened, the like, but don't force a conversation if there isn't one. If she doesn't want to talk, don't force her. Otherwise keep the conversation light hearted and happy. (Also, if she tells you she wants to do something alone, just let her.)