Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

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Prolific scribe

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

Please let us know you are ok ? We are thinking about you and your daughter and hoping you have found some tactics that work for you . 

Active scribe

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

I think the child for a long time did not receive proper attention from the parents. We have a similar situation with my nephew. When his parents divorced, the grandmother, who very spoiled him, was engaged in the upbringing of the child. Then he began to demand everything he wanted, and he began to be rude to all who were good to him. I always had my neutrality, and I spoke quite strictly with him, but I also played privately. Now the child treats me well, but my grandmother and grandfather dare. How can I now teach him respectful attitude to people who have grown him I do not know.

Super contributor

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

Hi @Torry_Cox Welcome to Reach Out!

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I think your story is a very good example of how kids are able to respond differently to different people. I often work with divorced parents where one parent is concerned that the other parent is spoiling the young person and if they don't too, if they continue to have boundaries and limits, then the young person will reject them and only want to be with the parent they are spoiled by.

 

But the truth is young people crave boundaries. They prefer them. So it makes a lot of sense that he's maintained a healthy relationship with you. The best way to help him treat others with respect is to try and talk to him about it. Explain to him how you feel when you see him treat his grandmother that way and then how good you feel when he treats you with such respect. If he feels there will be a payoff to good behaviour, rather than bad, then that's what he'll do. 

 

If you click here, it will take you to our pages on communication. There's lots of great stuff there to help you have the conversation.

Scribe

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

In defence of the author, defiant, rude and disrecpectful also apply to my 14 year old daughter at present. I don't like those words either, but in my case they apply.
The challenge is to still support her and direct her while she is being like that.

Super contributor

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

I hear you @dadto2and3 and I think what you say about supporting and directing them while they're in that space is so important. 

Would you be comfortable clicking here and sharing your story?

Active scribe

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

Hi @Ngaio-RO Thanks for the advice. I talked to my nephew about how I feel when he talks to me well and when he talks badly with his grandmother. He said that he understood everything, said that he would try not to be rude. She also asked if he loved his grandmother, what he said that he loved. Let's see how long it will last.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

Hi @Torry_Cox, welcome to the forums.

 

It sounds like you are very close with your nephew and have a good bond with him. It's great that you were able to talk with him about how he speaks to his grandmother. His understanding of his behaviour and how it affects those around him is a big thing. A reminder chat if he forgets won't go astray - teens tend to get caught up in themselves quite easily purely due to the stage in life they are at.

 

Let us know how he goes. 

Active scribe

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

Hi @taokat.
Today the nephew has come again to us. When did Grandma ask how he was doing? He responded in a sharp manner that is normal and that he was not touched, he will play on the console. I did not have time to talk to him and ask him what had happened and why he was behaving like this again. But tomorrow I'll ask.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

Hi @Torry_Cox, that's a shame, and I encourage you to talk with him again, as a reminder, but also to find out why he treats his grandma this way? It would be interesting to find out what is going on his mind. It may give you something more specific to deal with and help him work through. Empathy is something that is learned, and you sound like the perfect person to help him learn that his words are hurtful and upsetting to his Grandma, and to you too. It may take little reminders along the way, and if you're consistent with that it will get through. 

 

Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

Active scribe

Re: Defiant, rude & disrespectful 15 year old daughter

@taokat I told him that when he talks to his grandmother in that tone, he also hurts both me and all who are around, I said. He apologized and said that he would try not to do it any more, but sometimes it happens. I think the fact is that the grandmother is not an authority for him, and he used to talk to her like that, it is clear that he loves us all equally, but there is a certain habit in the relationship with whom he is more constrained and with whom he is more cured.