Father over mother who has raised son on own

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Father over mother who has raised son on own

I am 52 years old, I have a 16 year old son whom I have raisetd on my own. This last year has been the most difficult I. Our relationship with him deciding he wanted to change aces with his father to one week on & one week off, after it being nearly always just on off weekends.
I do depression and have done for most of my life but no one would know it unless I told them. Seen to everyone else as confident, capable, loyal, dedicated, passionate, funny, warm and giving. When inside I have a dreadful lack of self worth, constantly questioning what is the point of this thing called my life.
I bought and indeed invested in my first pet, not my sons, but my own and fell in love with him, an animal, for the first time in my life. He was my saving grace earlier in the year when trying desperately to adjust to the changed time with my son. He passed away 2.5 weeks ago at only 18 months and I have been devastated to my core at this loss. My son, being always the animal person wouldn’t accompany me to go and finalise things at the emergency, which was like him crushing my already broken heart. Over the last few months there have been a number of instances that have left me bereft & feeling totally lost where he is concerned. Time with his father who was both physically and emotionally abusive to me, and continues to be so (emotionally) is having a very real and negative impression on my son. There have been so many challenges I have had o confront in this life like everyone else, but the feeling of having lost my son has me devastated beyond words. I am not equipped to deal with this anymore, I seriously want to go away and disappear from life. I am grieving 2 huge losses at one time and am lost in despair, very lonely, empty, hurting and beaten on all levels. No good to anyone let alone myself.

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Re: Father over mother who has raised son on own

Hey @Hurtingheart

 

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. It's been a bit of a crazy day.

 

I'm so very sorry for your heartbreak. Losing a pet that you love like that is utterly heartwrenching and exactly what you didn't need.

And then on top of that to be going through what you're going through with your son, it's more than anyone can bear. And yet we somehow manage to keep going!.

 

It's a horrible situation to be in, with your ex being someone who hurt you who is now able to wield such influence over your son. I can relate. My situation is only different in the age of my son, so he's not yet causing a rift between us but he's trying. I often feel very scared about what the future holds in this area.

 

So I try and practice self-care and try not to let myself get too affected by the things I have no control over.

Which is little consolation I'm sure, but I mostly wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

Would you consider giving Coaching a try? It's great for helping parents develop strategies to cope with what's happening with their teenagers and they might have some great ideas around how you can make sure your son doesn't start treating you in ways you're not ok with as a result of your ex's influence.

 

Click here to have a read about it.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Father over mother who has raised son on own

Hi @Hurtingheart, I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been going through. My heart sank for you reading about your son and how distressed you are about it, which I know I would be too. My daughter wanted to meet her father for the first time a couple of years ago, and found him behind my back. I sat in our counsellor's office bawling, feeling betrayed, terrified, hurt, angry because she had no idea what she'd just done (she was nearly 14 and had no idea of my past with her father, so only wanted to meet her dad!). But that's how I was feeling. To make a long story short, my daughter quickly found out what he was like and that was it, so gratefully I haven't had the ongoing thing of visitation.

 

I can only imagine how confusing, worrying and heartbreaking this is for you with your son wanting to share time equally with his dad. Has he talked about his reasons for wanting the change? I'm sure he loves you very much, but I know that can hard to see when we're feeling so devastated. 

 

 

Losing your pet is like losing a family member, and always hits me hard too. In our family our pets are family members, only furry. I understand your pain and I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been through so much, so try and be kind to yourself, and care for yourself they way you would your best friend. 

 

The coaching @Ngaio-RO mentioned is really great and worthwhile checking it out. I did it earlier in the year and learned some really solution based and practical ways of managing what we were going through at the time.

 

You're not alone, and I'm so glad you found the forum. 

 

 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Father over mother who has raised son on own

Hi @Hurtingheart, I just wanted to check in and see how you are? Life can be so difficult sometimes, just knowing we're not alone can make a difference. 

 

Sometimes the effects of traumas we suffer in life build up and it feels too overwhelming to manage. I hope you've been able to get some help to find a place that's not so devastating to exist in. 

 

Please let us know if there's anything we can help you with. 

Prolific scribe

Re: Father over mother who has raised son on own

Hi there @Hurtingheart . I am so sorry to hear that your sons father has had such a huge influence on his life out of the blue that he now wants to reject you . This must  be like knife to the heart . Then to lose your beloved pet as well !! When we experience  a double loss it's impact can be profound and overwhelming , we can feel as if we are drowning in the pain and unable to function or think of a positive future . Please could you give us some more details of what has transpired between you and your son to influence this  change ? Have you two been battling lately ?  Is your son angry about past events between you that have not been resolved ? You sound as if you need a lot of support at the moment and we are hear for you so please keep in contact . 😊

Scribe

Re: Father over mother who has raised son on own

I, too, am distressed that you are having so many problems, not only with your family, but with your health.  But do not succumb to despair.  My situation was different, but left me desolate.  I married the man I loved and went to live in another state.  He had been married before and had four grown up children.  It was not until he began to decline in his dotage, that I realised how much his children had disliked me, or how they had manipulated him during that decline, so that  our very lives together were being threatened.  They really wanted me to return to my home state and let them look after him.  As I had always felt secure with him, this came as such a shock that I reacted as if to a devastating trauma.  I spent two years on the sofa, gazing at the ceiling listening to classical music!   But I had no intention of leaving him.  Fortunately, I had a brilliant psychiatrist, who understood my breakdown, explaining that my depression was of biological origin, which made be vulnerable to the vicissitudes of life. For the next few years I was dependent on anti-depressants.  When my husband died I returned to my home state, and found (by accident) a very avante garde psychiatrist, with whom I was able to reduce medication considerably.  He also gave me an up-to-date therapy involving bio-feedback.  For almost a year now I have had no feelings of depression.

 

When I returned to my home state nine years ago, I brought my two dogs, both of whom died of old age.  Last year I bought another, an elderly naughty dachshund.  She has brought me great joy.  But as with humans so with dogs.  Life does not always stay the way we want it to.  

 

So I can only tell you how I recovered and offer ways of dealing with your grief - because grief is what you are experiencing.  Your son, who is now growing into a man himself, now needs his father to show him a man's world.  He will soon sort out what is honest and loving behaviour, but he does need his father to help him into the adult male world.  So encourage him with love. He will be back - not as your child, but as your grown-up protector. 

 

Lastly, have you any spiritual support?  Visiting an empty church calmed my mind and when I sought it out, the spiritual direction I was given was a blessing.  Grief, I was told, is the price we pay for love.

 

I do hope the above gives you not only solace, but strength and love and courage to live life in the fullest sense, even if it is unavoidably changing.

 

Angela (I know my name to some suggests "goodness", but it doesn't.  It means "messenger from God".

              But I have no idea why I was given it.  I have never been particularly good.)