My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

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Mod

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

Hey there @Orbit64 thanks so much for updating us. The canteen tab idea is very smart, I can understand your concerns around cash handover. Where abouts is he currently couch surfing? How is your partner today? Have the two of you managed to get some alone time together, a lunch out somewhere or some self-care?

 

Well done on connecting the youth worker and school counsellor - maybe together they can get a firm plan in place with him.

Prolific scribe

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

My wife and I have been talking a lot. I have been supportive of the Restraining Order. I do not want him to develop into the kind of person that thinks these things can be done without consequence. I can imagine a future (and dread it) where he smashes up a house with his partner, cools down the next day, then threatens them a week later. He has never been exposed to this type of experience or behaviour in his life. He has no example or experience on which to be modelling this. So it is very painful try and understand how this has come about. 

 

Ultimately, he needs to know it is not okay to do what he has done and treat people (my wife) as he has. He especially needs to know that there are non violent mechanisms other have in our society to address this unacceptable behaviour.  I just wish it was not our son and us having to do it. Better us  doing it, than someone else in the future, having suffered a worse experience than I did. 

 

Self care: We will go out on the weekend and do something. 

 

My wife has been engaged in "cooking therapy". Baking lots of cakes and biscuits for a school event (she is a teacher).

 

I have picked myself up and gone, okay, I cannot influence him directly, however I can put some things in place to ensure he is fed, has some support from school and counselling and hopefully he will accept a stable place to stay. I continue to work steady and hard. Fortunately I have a very understanding owner of the business, as he has a very difficult 21 year old son, doing similar things to mine. We provide a sounding board for each other. I keep him well informed on what is going on at home. I may not be as cheerful at work as I normally am, however I try to channel the difficulty I am experiencing into focus and being more productive. 

 

For my son, I do feel it will have to get much worse for him before the penny drops. Time will tell. 

Active scribe

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

I   have exacly  the same  problem   with my 15   year  old girl.....exact    the same.....any   tips  or suggestions?it   is a terrible situation....a never nding nightmare...

Mod

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

@sylvia So sorry to hear this did you want to chat to us a bit more about what you're going through?

Active scribe

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

Hello darl         my   situation  is  similar....my 15   year old daughter  comes and goes   ...no control   no respect...stays out at  night too...his twin brother    is not going to school...they are fighting a lot..   She says she hates us...terrible situation....my husband is disabled...no relatives...she has a lovely   mentor....she is nice to her mentor....but nasty to us..any tips  to help to sort out this situation  would be greatly  appreciated...

Scribe

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

Just found this site and thread. My 15-year-old son has taken a very similar path...smoking, dope, staying out, missing school, grades down the pan.

Would not wish this on anyone else but it is heartening to know that it is not just us going through this. 

 

I think we are now at the end of our tether. Been through different stages:

  1. denied it was his fault or he was doing anything wrong
  2. tried to control it...'only do it at weekends'
  3. Enabled it - 'OK, you can do it within certain parameters'
  4. Withdrawal - now we are going to have to just wait and see what happens as none of the above helped. School is nearly at point of kicking him out.

We are a stable, professional family and our son has never wanted for anything (maybe that's the problem??). Over the past year, he has gone from a loving little boy to a monster. He is rude, disobedient and smoking dope whenever he can get his hands on it. 

Refuses any counselling and he is not bad enough for police to force him into help. Yet.

 

Part of me just wants to throw him out of the house but other part of me wants to reassure him that, no matter what, he has a home with us.

 

Just wanted to say that the posts here are heartbreaking but also reassuring...someone tell me that this is just a phase!

 

Mod

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

Hi @Jonty, welcome to ReachOut and thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like the behaviour of your teen is really distressing and concerning for you. I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much. It can really take a toll on us when our children start to show risk-taking behaviour. It sounds like everyone is taking a lot of steps to try and control the situation, which is so difficult to do. It can be so challenging to try and understand why your teen is taking this path as it involves a whole lot of different factors and interactions between these.

It is also frustrating if your teen is refusing any help. It is also important to help yourself in distressing times too and this is something to keep in mind while trying to get a handle on the situation. We have information here at ReachOut which talks about balancing positive risk taking with negative risk taking which might be appropriate.

Active scribe

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

Mitzi, I am a different mum but am at my wits end and would love to hear how you can possibly help! My 15yo is a good kid and hides in her schoolwork. I know sounds crazy that I'm concerned but there's an unhealthy aspect to it and she is disconnected from relating and accountability.......
Mod

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

Hey @Mumsa welcome and your concerns sound valid, have you spoken to her at all regarding why she is so immersed her school work? Keen to hear a bit more about this.

Scribe

Re: My legal obligations towards my 15 year old daughter

It is incredibly hard to put up with abusive kids. I have been through it all up until 2-3 years ago. My child who is now mid teen has settled but still has his moments with school refusal. He is unmotivated when it comes to school work. As easy as it might seem to wash my hands and say you are old enough to apply yourself I can't let him fail. I can't walk away from what is my responsibility as a parent. I feel that I need to keep going for his sake. Many a tear has been shed, a wall punched, a name called, property damaged, you name it. Up until he is an adult I have to give my all. God help me. I hope that you have the support that you need.