Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

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Community Manager

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

Hi @taokat,

 

Just wanted to send a quick message to say we are thinking of you. How you are doing this week?

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

Hi @Jess1-RO@sunflowermom and @Schooner.

 

Thanks so much for your support and I am sorry for my whinge @Jay-RO. RO has been an awesome part of my life and it was quite rude of me.

 

I’ve wanted to respond for ages and keep losing confidence, but have been going downhill for a while, devastated by conversations with my daughter’s psychiatrist ages ago. Before my daughter’s first suicide attempt, she was told that she didn’t have bipolar, that her problems were my fault for not keeping her safe as a baby. As a result her amygdala didn’t form properly. 

I made a complaint as, even if they did believe that to be true, what benefit did they think would come from telling a teen it’s all her mother’s fault? Especially my daughter, with the problems she has!  

I went in on my own and met with the psychiatrist. I questioned her, seeing my daughter was a settled baby and had no issues until she was sexually abused at age 8. She backed herself and told me that babies are affected by violence and abuse, including in the womb. I was speechless and walked out of there shattered with a double whammy of guilt, that’s slowly eaten away at me. 

I needed help so went to see a psychiatrist, and I questioned him about why I was blamed, with no blame on the father who was abusive, and he told me if the father hadn’t been in the picture all her life, who else’s fault could it be but mine? I got up and walked out, not wanting to make it home.

 

There is so much out there about domestic violence not being the woman’s fault, ever, so it’s knocked me and I’ve taken it very personally and feel completely invalidated as both a woman and a mother. 

 

After all this time, I am going to try for help again with Mission Australia. I’ve decided the question I need to ask instead is how do I manage my feelings around what’s been said, and deal with the consequences it’s had at home! 

 

My daughter dropped out of her online course unfortunately, but we found a self interest course at our local tafe she’s starting in Feb. It’s graphic design, so not what she wants to do long term but something she’ll enjoy. I just want her to get an achievement under her belt to give her some self confidence.

 

Best wishes for 2019! I hope all our kids struggle less and enjoy life more 😊

 

Prolific scribe

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

@taokat, Welcome back!

 

No need for an apology, IMO. Lost and exhausted, as we all have been from time to time, and you didn't get what you really needed. Glad to have you back.

 

I've tried complaining about psychologists and psychiatrists too. My experience is that they (well, some of them at least) do not take kindly to constructive criticism. It's a great shame, as we need a full team (parents, family, schools, and medical team) working together to support our young people. Crushing the spirit of the primary carer cannot be a good strategy, even if the parent might be wrong. BTW, I see your point: sexual abuse at 8 seems more significant than abuse when you were pregnant. 

 

Good on you for seeking help. 

 

Sorry to hear your girl has dropped out. I know you will keep encouraging her.

Cheers

 

 

 

 

Mod

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

Hi @taokat thanks for getting in contact and providing us an update on how things are going. I'm sorry you've had that experience with the psychiatrists, that is an awful position to be in and you don't deserve that at all.  

It's great that you are seeking support from Mission Australia, do let us know how you go with them. It's good to hear that your daughter will be starting a graphic design course and that it's something she'll enjoy. Thank you for all the support you have provided to many of our members here, we are here to listen and support you too Heart 

Star contributor

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

Hi @taokat

I have missed you so much!  I am so happy that you checked in.

I am shocked at what the psych had to say.  I think that is very inappropriate what was said to you.  How are those comments supportive or beneficial in any way?

 

I am glad your daughter has found a new course to engage in. If she keeps trying new things I am confident she will find her niche and build a passion for something new.  Its so encouraging that she is willing to reach out and try different subjects if something doesn't work out.  How has she been feeling otherwise?  Are things on an upswing between the 2 of you?  I sure hope so.

Sending hugs and wishes for a positive joyous New Year!

 

Contributor

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

Hi Taokat,

Your post struck a chord.
Firstly, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!! Please remove this totally from your thoughts as guilt is a negative emotion. You are a beautiful, wonderful caring mum who has stood by and supported your daughter every step of the way. For a psychiatrist or other human being to say those things to you (regarding you being at fault for your daughters problems) is inhumane, totally insensitive and uncalled for! Unfortunantly, there are some people who are in the wrong profession.......I see it all the time! They are not in our shoes.....and cannot judge! Please disregard those words from the psychiatrist and choose to think of pleasant thoughts instead. Perhaps you could try some visualisation......think about a beautiful natural beach or a lovely peaceful scene you have liked. Or go for a walk in the mornings or early evenings and watch the sun rise or set. These simple tasks can help you feel a tad better. The past is dust, taokat......we cannot do anything to change what’s happened to our teenagers but we can change our responses and stay present in the moment.

I hope things improve for yourself and your daughter. How is she going now? My son has improved. Has been enjoying his new school. A BIG improvement but we still have a way to go.

Take care. Remember.....this moment is all that matters!

Sister x
Community Manager

Re: Trying to manage after my daughter's suicide attempt

Hi @taokat

Welcome back! Thank you so much for checking in- I can imagine the last few weeks have been so challenging feeling the emotional fall out of the discussion with the psychiatrist.

What we know of you on the forums is that you are a passionate, loving and endlessly supportive mum who has moved mountains to support your daughter Heart No matter what, in this community you are always supported and will always be acknowledged for the mammoth steps you have taken to keep your daughter on a path to recovery- through the hardest days, and the lighter days.

What is your support system like at the moment?

Whenever you need to take a break from the forums to focus on your wellbeing, it is 100% okay to do so Smiley Happy We will support any decisions you make for your wellbeing!