When to give more freedom

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Prolific scribe

Re: When to give more freedom

Thanks taokat  its nice to know you are not the only going through things cause so often you feel so alone.  I do worry very much about my reactions and what affect that has on my children unfortunately sometimes I seem to have no control which happens I know to even the calmest of parents.   You are right there is no such thing as perfect parents but we put so much pressure on ourselves at times.  It is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had to do.   I blame myself and ex partner for what has happened and I guess until I can let go of that I am not going to be able to move completely forward with recovery.  I like to hear stories like yours of people that have been through hard times and come out the other side cause its a constant worry that things will go back to what they were and that's a scary place.  (I know I know I need to think positive but sometimes that's hard to do but I am trying).  

 

The coaching session due to work commitments I had to cancel and I have not yet booked another one.  I will get around to it because I do believe it would be very helpful.  

 

Its amazing you think everybody else has perfect lives and then you start talking to people.  We tend to hide things until we can hide no more and we are so far down that it takes a lot of love and support to come back to the top.  

 

In the end we are all doing the very best we can do with what we have at the time we just have to remember that  Smiley Happy

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: When to give more freedom

It can feel really lonely @lizard0812, I agree. But you know what, we're not alone, there are parents from all walks of life going through the same things. A friend of mine has a saying for it which I think's perfect - "same shit, different bucket". 

 

Being a mum is certainly the hardest job I've ever had to do. Plus the pay's crappy and it comes with little thanks for many years. I still lose it now sometimes, but my daughter tells me I'm a perfect mum, lost tempers, faults, rules and all. I put it down to the repair. It's like magic glue for us and I highly recommend it.

 

You're upset and hurting and that can take time to heal. I remember never being able to enjoy the smooth times because I was already fearing the next explosion, so I get that constant worry you're feeling. That also took a little time for me, but I started to learn that when things did go sour, it was getting less and less intense and shorter in duration. I'd lost hope completely so it was seeing this improving pattern that changed that for me. 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 3 steps forward, 1 step back etc. 

 

I hear they've started early morning coaching sessions if that's of any help to you? I think you'll find it really helpful too.

 

Let us know how you get on Smiley Happy

Active scribe

Re: When to give more freedom

@lizard0812,

 

It's a good sign that you're even asking about this... 

 

Here's what's worked for me.  I tend to be super strict and i have  teen step-daughter.  In her early teens, we fought about this a lot.

 

Then, I did a step-by-step process.

 

I would start very small and give her just a little freedom.   I would explain my expectations, any curfews, and other boundaries.

 

If she succeeded, she would get that freedom.  I would wait about a month or two, then give her another opportunity to expand her freedoms.

 

After about a year, she had earned my trust and her mom's trust, and she learned how to be responsible. 

 

Every once in a while, she messes up.  There are consequences, but we focus on what she's doing right so that she believes in herself and her decision-making ability.

 

With you son, start him with a very simple opportunity and see how he does... then gradually give him bigger freedoms.  You'll learn what he's ready for and not ready for.

 

I hope this helps!

 

 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: When to give more freedom

Hey @PrepareMyKid, thank you for sharing what has worked for you. It sounds like very good advice and I'm so glad you have been able to establish a trusting relationship with your step-daughter.

 

I've just had to edit out your name and website to keep in line with the community guidelines which you can find here.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: When to give more freedom

Hi @lizard0812 welcome back.  I have been reading your posts and understand how tricky this situation is.  When my sons were 12 and wanted a day out with friends I use ring at least two of the friends parents to make sure we were all on the same page.  It was helpful and reassuring for me and of course my son hated that I insisted on this rule.  However the choice was always give me your friends phone numbers so I can speak to their parents or you don't go.  This method always worked for me.  As they got older and entered early teenage years I developed more trust.  There really is no answer for this dilemma but go with you gut instincts you know your child better than anyone else.

Scribe

Re: When to give more freedom

Hi,

I understand you are worried, but at the same time he needs to get independant. Have you thought about using tecnology to help you know he is ok? For example a safety app like http://pomsafety.com/. Has a panic button for him and you can create mutually agreed safezones, so you know where he is while he is out and about.

Take care!

Highlighted
Prolific scribe

Re: When to give more freedom

@chrissi226. This is an old post much more happened since. He certainly doesn’t need a panic button or safe zones created but thanks for the reply