Worried that daughter's ex-boyfriend will treat next girl the way he should have treated my daughte.

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Worried that daughter's ex-boyfriend will treat next girl the way he should have treated my daughte.

My 15 year old daughter wisely broke up with her boyfriend of 8 months last week. He was quick to say I love you first and even talked about getting married after only 6 weeks of dating. She was keen to these as little flags. Despite his affectionate behaviors when they texted or talked or watched movies at home, he never held her hand, hugged and kissed her hello or even so much as acknowledged her presence in school. Never met her at her locker, walked with her to or from school or in school. They were in the same friend group and he didn't act like they were in a relationship. He would make all kinds of excuses, like he would get anxious in front of their friends or be in a "zone" in school with his ear buds in. He only seemed to show concern when she had a problem. He sent her disturbing writings about how he lies about who he is, wearing masks and pretending to be whoever he thinks people want him to be. He's obsessed with 21 Pilots and refers to himself as EMO. This morning she saw him walking to school with another girl, talking and laughing. Something he NEVER did with her. I'm so sad for her. My husband and I think he just used her as someone on whom to dump all of his depression and someone with whom he could talk about his anxieties and stress. Forget his parents - I sent them all the writings in the hopes of getting him help. Now none of them talk to any of us, even my daughter's twin brother who was also friends with this boy. I'm rambling. I'm just worried about her having to see him treat some other girl the way that she wanted to be treated by him. Thank you for any insights or help.

Community Manager

Re: Worried that daughter's ex-boyfriend will treat next girl the way he should have treated my daug

Hey @Twinmom112001 I'm so sorry we haven't replied sooner. It looks like there was a glitch in the system Cat Sad

I'm so sorry your daughter had to go through that. It sounds like a lot to deal with at such a young age.

Can I ask how she's feeling about it?

 

I know that when my kids are going through stuff I get so upset when they are treated badly that sometimes I end up more outraged than they are. Which is the right of every parent. Cat Wink

 

Has your daughter had a chance to 'debrief' with you or someone she talks to? She might find that just talking about it and getting some insights into his behaviour is enough for her to move on.

 

I know @Zoesplace went through tough times with her daughter's relationship.  I'm sure there's some relatable wisdom there.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Worried that daughter's ex-boyfriend will treat next girl the way he should have treated my daug

Hi @Twinmom112001, welcome to the forums. I feel for you, it is so hard seeing our kids go through these types of things. I'm similar to @Ngaio-RO in that sometimes I get more upset than my daughter, and find it harder to let go of. As parents we don't want to have to see our kids go through these hurts, we want people to treat them properly.

 

As far as suggestions I don't have anything further to add to what @Ngaio-RO has mentioned, but wanted to say hi and say one thing that really struck me reading your post, was your daughter's maturity in knowing this boy wasn't doing the right thing by her, and her strength in breaking up with him. There are so many adults who don't have that skill or strength, so I found that really admirable in your daughter, especially at such a young age. You've done well Mum!

 

 

 

 

 

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: Worried that daughter's ex-boyfriend will treat next girl the way he should have treated my daug

Hi @Twinmom112001 Sounds like your daughters relationship with her boyfriend was not very healthy.  As hard as it is, try not to compare your daughters ex boyfriends future relationships, with the relationship he had with your daughter. You said it was a wise that she broke it off, so best to look at this a good thing, rather than be worried about how he treats the next girl. If he is talking to a new girl, he will probably be trying to make a good impression to start with, but chances are he will go back to his old ways. Your daughter is still so young, and has plenty of time to find someone who will treat her right.  

It is a shame that when you tried to reach out to his parents that they disregarded his need for help.  Sharing your concern for him would have been a very courageous thing to do, but unfortunately not all parents take their kids mental health seriously.