daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

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Contributor

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Hello @taokat

I am picking up my daughter form the hospital today after her suicide attempt early last week.  I am nervous and excited.  My expectations are not over the top since this is not our first ( or third) time around.  I guess what I am feeling anxious about is that I am implementing some  tough love approach to things.  My daughter is aware since we talked extensively while she was in the hospital.  And she did agree.  I am taking her cell for 2 weeks and then she gets its just twice per day for an hour.  Also, I am no longer allowing pot in my house.  Drug tests will be had if I suspect.  The pot use just was not helping her in anyway and I would like to try and squash it before she becomes addicted.  Visiting with friends will have to be supervised for a while.  As I am writing some of this seems harsh but I know she needs some major structure and I need to protect her around her impulse control.  Also, we have come up with a "loose" daily schedule while I am at work.

I know your daughter just recently came out - how have you two been doing?  Can you offer any insight or warnings about anything you have encountered this time around?

 

 

Mod

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Hey there @sunflowermom,

 

Definitely understandable to be concerned about the reactive nature of young people when implementing new boundaries. I think you've summed it up nicely here "As I am writing some of this seems harsh but I know she needs some major structure and I need to protect her around her impulse control.". There's no harm if, when there's push back, reminding your daughter that it is all to help her recover, and I do not doubt that down the line when she's feeling more solid, some of the boundaries can come down a bit. In the meantime we are here to listen throughout the process Heart

Contributor

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Thank you Breez !
I am going to try and remember that and remind her that these boundaries are important for her recovery. That's a great point you made. I know i will get push back and it will be hard because she knows what to say to upset me but i will stand my ground for her benefit.
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Parent Peer Supporter

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Hi @sunflowermom, how have the last couple of days been since your daughter came home?

 

It's fantastic that you were able to talk with her while she was in hospital and agree on some boundaries at home. I do love @Breez-RO post and agree wholeheartedly with all she says, couldn't have said it better. 

 

I know from my daughter, although she sometimes fights new boundaries, it comes out that she does appreciate it because it shows I love her and have her best interests at heart. 

 

A really useful thing we now have is a safety action plan for my daughter. She's asked that I check in on her 3 times a day and if doesn't feel like talking she'll give me a number on a scale. 1-3 (green zone) = feeling safe, 4-6 (yellow zone) = starting to feel unsafe, 7-10 (red zone) = feeling really unsafe. 

Then we have written down the signs to look out for in each zone, and then actions to take in each zone.

 

We were told the most sensitive time is the week they come home, and it hit my daughter 8 days after she came home, so I've just had to keep a really good eye on her and make sure I check in. 

 

Thinking of you Heart 

 

 

 

Contributor

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Hello @Breez-RO and @taokat We had a rough go last night.  She is getting agitated that I still have not given back her cell phone.  Its been 4 days since hospital so I guess we are going on 10 days no cell phone.  Last night I could see it going into an episode but somehow I got her to come outside and mediate with me.  She calmed down and came into my room a bit later and we discussed her punishment more.  I was proud to see her doing something different other than self harm- also, she is not smoking pot anymore so she couldn't mask her feelings that way either.  I was proud of her.  She played with her kitten and did makeup and watched a few minutes of TV with me.  Baby steps but also for her big changes.

I will continue to meditate with her every night creating a habit of it for both of us.  

Mod

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Hey @sunflowermom, that does sound like a rough go but it seems like you have handled a difficult situation really well. It is definitely all about the baby steps but it is a major thing for both of you and sounds like some important progress. Did you let her know that you were proud of her or do you feel like that might be unhelpful in the situation? It sounds like your daughter is going through some pretty scary changes right now but it seems lucky that she has you guiding her.. doing meditation together is beautiful! Heart

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Baby steps still feel huge though don't they @sunflowermom! They are! And they deserve acknowledgement and celebrating. It sounds like you've managed what could have been a big blow up with patience and love, and having the understanding that your daughter is dealing with raw emotions now she is not smoking or self harming is so insightful. I'm so glad that she is meditating with you - what awesome coping skills you're teaching her.

 

Would you mind sharing with us how you were able to de-escalate the situation? I know you said that somehow you managed, but if we think back to what we actually said or did it we can see how we did it. I have no doubt the community would benefit as well!

 

Your daughter is so lucky to have such an amazing mum, and I hope you acknowledge yourself the fabulous job you are doing Heart

Contributor

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Thank you @taokat for your very sweet words!

So Thursday night I just helped walk her through her emotions and sat with her and she was ok to the suggestion of meditation.  

Friday night things got more intense.  I told her I was there for her but she needed to use her skills on her own.  I went to bed, she came in there a couple times and even yelled at me.  I asked if she wanted to lay down in my room a bit and refused.  She went into the yard to have a good cry.  I left her alone but asked hubby to just keep an eye on the situation.  She finally settled in her room a bit and then she asked for her medication to help her sleep.  that's was a rough night and honestly I just had to step back and give her space. It seems every episode is different but I am leaning more towards giving her space to figure out some things on her own and just being there when she comes to me.

Parent Peer Supporter

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Thanks so much for sharing @sunflowermom Smiley Happy

 

It's so hard when they're struggling, but stepping back and giving space so they can sort things out themselves, is what they need at this age, with our support when they need it. 

 

I hope you've both been enjoying your 'new' meditation area and that your family session went well. 

Contributor

Re: daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

Hey there @taokat

You are so right, its hard when they are struggling and even harder to not try to "fix" everything anyway we can think of.  We are just learning as we go.

The past week has gone well.  I enjoy the happy peaceful moments with daughter and I no longer live in constant fear or wait for bad to happen.  I don't believe my daughter will just be cured.  We plan, we adjust and sometimes just take things moment by moment.  And I am finally coming to terms with it.  The good and the bad.  Its more freeing and gives me hope that we will get through the more tumultuous times.

 

We are loving the outdoor space Smiley Happy  She gets to share it with friends too and I love having the kids here in the evening instead of elsewhere.