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struggling with 12 year old boy

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struggling with 12 year old boy

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Prolific scribe
lizard0812

struggling with 12 year old boy

I have a 12year old son that has had a very tough 2 years with a parent with serious illness diagnosed, close grandparent passing away and the break up of his parents marriage.  He is now very emotionally unsettled and angry at school and at home.  Unfortunately me (mum) am also very emotionally drained and angry and very often react in a very negative way towards his behavior.  He is such a beautiful boy and it rips my heart out to see the amount of anger and sadness in his  world.   He has been seeing a youth counsellor which is a good outlet for him and of some benefit. At the schools request we got an appointment with a psychologist and had two appointments and he is now refusing to attend anymore which is believe is due to the fact it is a clinical setting and that is very unsettling for an 12 year old boy. He has stated that even if we take him there he will not interact at all.  He is a very smart kid (school say gifted) and he cannot even enjoy learning at this point.  I am so worried for him I worry what will happen if we cant get him sorted.  What will happen as he gets older and more angry how will I handle it then as sometimes he really scares me with his outbursts. Any advise or similar stories with positive outcomes would be appreciated.  I just seem to take one step forward and 5 steps back with him.  

Star contributor
Breez-RO

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

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Hey there @lizard0812 well done at jumping onto ReachOut to get some further support from like minded parents. I am sorry to hear how emotionally drained yourself and the family are right now, it definitely sounds like you have an immense amount of love for your son and want to see some positive changes in his life. 

It's not uncommon for young people, sometimes even adults to be unwilling to interact with the clinical environment psychology instills. Psychology as opposed to Counselling does tend to have more of a clinical approach, some people respond really well to that and other's not so much. Which is why it's great there are so many different avenues of therapy. Would it be possible to get in touch with the youth counsellor's office and ask for their thoughts around his resistance with the school appointed psych? 

 

I also want to link you up with an organisation called ParentLine [click here]. They have phone services in each state which may be of further support to yourself during the outbursts, and also provide you with further support around the illness of your son's other parent.  Also if your son is up for it, Kids Helpline are pretty good and they also offer online counselling - has he ever given them a go before?

 

Some of the other parents will no doubt jump in soon and provide you with further support as well as their own experiences, thank you for sharing your journey, look forward to speaking again soon Smiley Happy 

Super contributor
Ngaio-RO

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

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Hey @lizard0812 Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things have been for yourself and your son. It's heartbreaking watching a child suffer and not knowing what to do to help them get better.  But you are clearly a mum who cares deeply about her son's welfare, which means he's off to a good start.

 

Based on what you've written, I'm wondering if some of this behaviour might be a reaction to the things you've described. If so, there's a very good chance that he'll start to get better as things settle and everyone heals.  Going through a divorce can have a huge impact on young people, without the addition of a very ill parent and the death of someone they love but if both mum and dad can; focus on making the break as friendly as possible, work on themselves so they are genuinely healing and keeping a dialogue going with the child or children, then things will often get better for everyone.

 

I hear what you're saying about the clinical setting. And well done for recognising the effects of this. It's an issue a lot of hospital based services are desperately trying to address. If anyone doubts the impact of this on your son, ask them to look at every Headspace. They are all deliberately designed to be as non-clinical looking as possible. All the way down to the colour of the logo! Some services based in hospitals will offer outreach sessions. Very rarely in clients' homes but they might come to his school or meet him in a park or cafe. Have you explored this option with them?

If there's no alternative to using their space my suggestion would be to start looking for an alternative immediately. Some will have waiting lists so the sooner you make contact the sooner you'll have an appointment. Did you like them? Will they help you find somewhere else?

 

In the meantime, I would recommend giving ReachOut Coaching a go. It's completely free and all you need is a computer to register and fill out the questionnaire and then a phone to have the one on one sessions with a trained professional from The Benevolent Society.  They provide practical suggestions you can utilise immediately to improve communication and engagement with your son.

If you click here you can have a read through a discussion between the parents and TBS coaches. It gives a much greater insight into the benefits of using coaching to complement other services. Or click here for the coaching page.

 

I hope that's helpful. Smiley Happy

Prolific scribe
lizard0812

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

Thanks guys yep he has been through too much for a little kid. Illness was me but it's under good control now. Dad and I are amicable and friendly but I am not dealing well with it all mentally but am receiving help for that. Unfortunately today I had to collect him from school early as he got very angry and agitated and refused to go to the office of back into class room. When the principal went to him he was sitting on a seat sobbing not knowing what was going on. It's so sad he gets so upset with himself he is genuinely remorseful. Headspace I have heard a lot about but they are no where near us unfortunately. We have him in a youth program that is run by youth social workers/counselors and they are getting much more involved now which hoping will help cause they do it in an area that they also kick a ball with the kids do some boxing sit have a drink and a chat much better for him. I have booked an appointment with outreach coaching so I'm hoping I can get some good ideas and strategies from that also. It's just nice sometimes to know you are not alone and that your child is really not a horrible person so I appreciate the support very much
Star contributor
Zoesplace

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

Hi @lizard0812 sorry to hear how hard the last few years have been for both yourself and your son.  There certainly has been a lot of stressful and traumatic events in your recent life. I can sense your love, care and concern for your son, and you have to be commended to reaching out for yourself and for getting some professional care for your son.  @Ngaio-RO mentioned that your sons behaviour might be as a result of the events you describe - if this is the case, your sons anger may ease over time.  Anger can often be triggered as a result of another emotion such as frustration or sadness. If your son can get professional help around coping skills or strategies may help to lessen his anger.  My daughter can have extremely angry outbursts which are quite upsetting, but I have to try and remind myself to not take it personally.  She has difficulty controlling her emotions when distressed, which often results in angry outbursts - she is always sorry afterwards.

 

It is really important that you look after yourself while your son in struggling.  @Breez-RO and @Ngaio-RO have given some great suggestions for extra support.  Take advantage of the Reach Out Parents Coaching – or have a chat on the forums. It is really important that you have someone to talk to.  When my daughter was really struggling and at her worst, I did not seek help for myself.  I feel I would have been a better parent and person if I took better care of myself.  

 

Some days it will feel like one step forward and 5 steps back - but you are seeking early help for your son, who you have said is a beautiful and smart kid.  With your love and the right support for both you and your son - you should be able to get through this together.  Stay strong. 

Prolific scribe
lizard0812

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

Hi Zoesplace

 

Unfortunately my son is not responding to any form of intervention from anybody at this point.  We have an appointment with GP tomorrow as the school and psychologist believe our family is in crisis at this point.   Last three days have been a massive struggle to get him out of bed let alone to school. Not a place I ever expected to be with my kids.  I know there are plenty of other people that struggle but our kids are our world and at the time there is no other person in this world when our kids are struggling.  

 

 

 

Star contributor
Zoesplace

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

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Hi @lizard0812 It sounds like a good idea to see the GP if the school and psychologist believe you are at crisis point. I really feel for you - I have had many days when I could not get my daughter out of bed (school was the last thing on our mind).  The GP will be able to do a mental health care plan for your son, and also yourself.

If you need someone to chat with do not hesitate to call  Lifeline  Ph: 13 11 14. They are available 24/7 and are able to talk to anybody needing support or in crisis.  You're definitely right about our kids being our world - it is heartbreaking seeing them in so much hurt and distress.  Hope everything goes Ok at the GP tomorrow.

 

Star contributor
Breez-RO

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

Hi @lizard0812 it is really good you are headed to the GP. I can tell you have so much love for your boy, please keep us updated on how tomorrow goes. You're really doing so well, don't forget to look after yourself where you can even if it's thirty minutes with a book to have some you-time and self care.

As @Zoesplace mentioned the GP may be able to help you with further planning.

Contributor
motherbear

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

Oh @lizard0812 I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you and your boy . You have pinpointed a very salient  point that we are only ever as happy as our unhappiest child . To watch him sobbing must be unbearable . You must feel so helpless and worried . 

I can't really add anything other than what others have written and you say you have seen a pysch and a counsellor and no interventions to date have worked . This must be so frustrating . 

My only other suggestion would be is there anyone else in your circle who he admires / respects or loves who may try to reach him ? Grandad ? Nana ? Best friend ? Uncle ? 

I suggest also that you try another Pysch or counsellor . He may not click with the ones he has seen so far . 

Anger is a sign of fear pain or frustration . He may not even have the words for his feelings right now . He may not be able to articulate what is going on for him . Give him time . At the same  time stay with him, spend time with him , talk about your thoughts and feelings with him . Do things with him if he is able . Play sport , watch movies with him , play  video games and board games with him , listen to music with him . Talk about everything "safe " but not his feelings . Even if he only gets out of bed that's enough for the moment 

If he doesn't go to school but stays home with you  that's ok ( if you can be with him ) . Take each day as it comes and don't pressure yourself or him to resolve everything- right now . 

Crises can be managed . Breathe and take it slowly .  My best wishes go with you . 

 

 

 

Star contributor
Zoesplace

Re: struggling with 12 year old boy

Great suggestions @motherbear about spending time together without having to talk about feelings.  It can be very comforting and a good distraction to do some simple things together such as, play video / board games, watch a movie or listen to music.