Hi Madmacca  sometimes when our kids are the most unlovable it’s the time they need us the most. Our 22, 23 and 28 year old live at home. We also have my 15 year old niece returning home next Friday after a 3 moth period of being away. We are like 5 adults sharing our home with an ‘almost’ adult. Our 3 pay board. Our 22 and 23 year old pay the same amount as each other as they earn the say amount but our 28 yr old earns more so his board is higher. We believe that it doesn’t matter how much they earn when your adult child is working they should pay board and have chores to do as well. It prepares them more for the real world where they have rent or a mortgage  etc to pay. I’ve also learnt at times rather than harass my kids because their room is a mess I shut the door especially when we have visitors. I do find the more I don’t follow through with what I tell my kids to do the more they will try and walk over me when I ask them to do something. It breaks my heart when my kids are bullied. My 2 girls are 15 and 23 and they both have ASD and have been bullied through primary and high school. I have found that at times the worst bullies where the teachers. My 23 yr old has just graduated from uni. She did her degree over 4 years instead of 3 and she was connected with the section for people with disabilities. In her third year she was horribly bullied by one of her lecturers which resulted in my helping my daughter lodged an offical complaint of misconduct against the lecturer. The head of the uni found the lecturer did indeed bully my daughter over a 3 year period. While she did not loose her job it is in her employment record and she was forced to complete training on working with people who have invisible disabilities. Is there anyone who your son does talk to? If there is maybe you could ask them to chat with him and see if he/she can get your son talking. My 28 yr old is pretty strong minded and not particularly pleasant when he was 18 - it took him a couple of years and he did grow out of it. Now we are really close and he loves spending time with me and I treasure the time we do spend together.   Don’t forget to take time out for yourself. It is something I struggle to do myself but when I can mange to do something it really helps me recharge my batteries. I’ve come to realise in the last 3 months that I had stopped doing so many things that I used to love doing. Now I’m trying to make sure I spend 10 mins a day doing something just for me. I used to think it was a selfish thing to do but was forced to realise that if I don’t look after myself my whole family suffers. ... View more

Luca I can relate to your feelings. I am and have been in the same situation. I usually talk with my child’s form teacher first to see if they know of what is going on or to the parent of my child’s closest friend. I’ve always had a close relationship with my kids and have struggled when they have not been able to talk to me. May I also suggest that you talk to the guidance officer or if your child is more comfortable talk to his doctor? For my son who is now 22 the source was his disruptive behaviour was his difficulty with reading and the fear of being found out and for my now 28 year old son it was because he was being bullied. My daughter who is now 23 the aggression came out when she was in preschool and she was then diagnosed with what was then called Asperger’s Syndrome which much to her annoyance now comes under the classification of ASD. You may find that behind his aggression he is asking for you to protect or comfort or help him organise how he is feeling. Is there a male member of the family he is close to that you might be able to ask to talk to your son? With my kids I start the conversation by telling them that I have noticed that they seem to be feeling out of sorts and then I use some words to describe the behaviour that I have seen and I ask them if I’m in anyway close to describing how they are feeling. I let them know that I love them unconditional and I understand if they didn’t feel like talking to me right then and there and I want them to know that there is nothing that they can’t talk to me about although I’m sure there are things they feel like they don’t want to talk to me about. With my 15 yr old niece who lives with us and has for almost 4 years using the conversations I do with the others didn’t work because she has been through extensive trauma before she came to live with us. We now have a clinical psychologist who our niece sees and she has been a God send. 3 months ago our niece went into residential care and has been having intensive care where she is. Until this week she was adamant that she never wanted to come back to live with us even though she was due to return to our care on the 18th of this month. This week we had a break through and she is now excited to be coming home. The best time I’ve found to talk to my kids is over food - at the dinner table, going to a cafe or somewhere else casual that they like going to.  ... View more

Thank you :-) we know her returning home next week will be the first step of our new journey as a family. It is my prayer that my husband, our adult kids, my niece and I can work together to implement what we have all learnt in the last 3 months. We will have our ups and down and it is our desire that it is something that we all grow closer as a result ... View more

Thank you … I will search for the Bowlby’s attachment theory and see what else I can found out about it. I have never heard of it before and had no idea what is called. ... View more

Kerry36 I completely relate to what you are saying. My niece has been away for about 3 months and will be returning home next Friday. When we haven’t been with DoCS, police, scholar medical appointments to do with her I have really enjoyed my quiet time and not doing the school run etc. I am worried about losing the time when she returns. On one hand I am desperate to hang onto the ‘me time’ I have found and on the other I feel guilty that I enjoy the time I have to myself. While my niece has been away we have seen her sporadically and for the first 2 weeks we didn’t see her at all. We are going to give her returning home our all, however if it breakdown again we will go to the NZ Courts to ask for the custody and guardianship orders to be terminated. With her being 15 there is only so much we can do the rest she has to do herself. It’s awful when you get to the point where you have to say I’ve reached my limit and I’m unable to do anymore. I always thought showing your child unconditional love was enough after raising our 6 older children. The youngest is 22 and the oldest 39. It has taken having my niece living with us to teach me that unconditional love for some kids is not enough. After being through what you have you will need to take time to heal, to find yourself again and to re-build your mental health. One day you might be in a place to reconnect your son. I have been learning to not listen to people’s judgment of our situation and have surrounded myself with friends who are supportive. They are there for the good days, the days where I feel like hiding because I can’t cope and the horrid ones when I am in a dark pit. I don’t have family that I can turn to as they are too toxic and to protect my mental health I have needed to put in some firm boundaries so our friends support means everything to us. ... View more

I’ve just come across this Topical Tuesday topic. Self-harm is a new territory for me and I find it incredibly confronting. My niece has only started doing it in the last few weeks and with her returning home next Friday. I’ve had our family therapist has suggested that I use a 3 step process with her. To ask her what did she do, why did she do it and last does she think it is a good or a bad thing to do. My niece’s psychologist has told us that she does it  in an attempt to connect with someone. My natural instant is to want to give her a huge hug and say that no matter what she is thinking or feeling that she is ok and that I’m there for her. ... View more

Thank you everyone for your input. The appt today with her psychologist was enlightening. Her approach is completely different to that of the other psychologists and medical people that we have been connected with since she came to live with us. In sharing what she said I would like to say that her advice is for my niece and her specific circumstances. While they will work for us it doesn’t mean it will apply to anyone else.   Her advice is that in self-harming she is not doing it for attention (which everyone is telling us), she is doing it to try and create an attachment of any type. She said my niece has no attachment style that she can believe in which impacts her therapy, friends and family.  We all have a primary function to feel safe and secure. All of my nieces placements that have broken down are all attachments. My niece believes no one will be there for her and she pushes people to fulfil her concept that people will reject her. For my niece attempting to attach to people is overwhelming her with emotions. Her self-harm is not for attention she is looking for attachment which is part of her disorganised attachment. Her psychologist said that self-harm, sex and impulsive behaviour (to run or hide and to be aggressive) can be used to create an attachment.  Her self talk will be things like ‘if nobody gives me what I want or need I will get in myself’ (such as stealing items) and ‘nobody understands me or what I want’.   Her advice is that we can’t control her and that we need to understand what she is wanting or needing. She talks of wanting to wear makeup and attending the junior formal. She wonders is my niece’s current sexual identity could be as a result of being raped. Her psychologist is going to work with our niece to help her find a new alternative to the behaviours that she has been demonstrating so far. Also we need to treat her like an adult although she isn’t one. That her life experiences have given her an adult outlook on life although emotionally she is so much younger.That the times my niece is displaying anger she is protecting herself and that we need to give her space to cope with her overwhelming feelings. Attachment helps us to feel safe and to organise our thoughts and feelings. She has also suggested we write for Ami her life story since she has been with us. We are to email her when we have finished it she will organise a session where we go and see her with my niece and our role will be to read it to her. It’s so we can give Ami her life story since she has been with us and it is a gift that demonstrates the love we have for her … ... View more

We are eager to speak with her psychologist this morning. Everyone including the CSOs, school, youth workers and the house manger of the residential facility where she is living have told us that they believe she is doing it for attention. She only does it when she is try to engage with someone and they tell her that they are unable to give her the attention she wants straight away because they are doing one on one work with her co-tenants. She never self-harmed in any way when she was at home with us. ... View more

Yes, we will see her tomorrow and are hopeful she will be able to help us. We saw our niece for 3 hours today. We were saddened to hear from her carer that last night she was taken to hospital again for self-harming. She is due to return home in 10 days time and are concerned as to how we can make our home safe for her. We already keep all medication under lock and key and are not sure what else we should or can do. ... View more

I contacted them and they recommended I contact her psychologist which I’ve done. We now have an appt with her to talk about what we can do. ... View more

Thank you for your suggestion. I will give them a call.  ... View more

For my 15 year old niece who has self harmed twice many years apart it is for attention. She knows that when she does it that everyone will stop and focus on her and the attention is taken away from everyone else and focused on her. We are not the only ones who have said this as the mental health workers who have assessed her have said the same thing. I will say though that my niece’s reasoning for doing it is not why most people self-harm and either way I think the person needs assistance from professionals and unconditional love and no judgement from their closest loved ones. I’ve also spoken with my psychologist to work through my feelings over her attention seeking behaviours as self-harm is one of many tactics she uses. Maybe finding someone who can help you work through how you are feeling will help you? ... View more

Today for self-care I painted my finger nails (something I rarely do) and had a sleep for 3 hours in the middle of the day  ... View more

My favs are … Choose you this day who you will serve but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord Jos 24: 14-15 … Build a bridge and get over it … a disability isn’t an excuse it just means that you need to find another way to learn how to do it … hang it from the rafters (said when I don’t know where something should be put away) … wigwam for a gooses bridle … up the river in a matchbox … Proverbs 31 and just about everything by Dr Suess. As a family we have heaps of quotes that have become like our own secret language. Some of them we have no idea where they originated from and were handed down from my great grandmother    ... View more

I agree and think the zero is a bit extreme. Are you able to speak with the teacher directly? I would be asking if the rules were clearly laid out to the students before the test and if the students were given an opportunity before they started the test to make sure they had the tools they needed before they started. The 3 schools my kids attended gave them the same instructions … to get the necessary stationary items out while the teachers handed out the tests with the written side facing down. When the teachers had finished handing out the tests the students were told how long they had to complete the test and told to turn the paper over and start the test.   Maybe you could ask the teacher/school what their class room rules are for tests and teach your child yourself at home what they expect for him/her to prepare. Within our family we have 2 grown boys with ADHD and 2 girls with high functioning ASD. Sometimes our eldest girl was allowed to complete her tests in a classroom by herself supervised by a teacher and given an extended amount of time to complete her test due to her high anxiety levels. There was also times rather then requiring her to do a test they would use her work completed in class to assess her knowledge of the subject. Our eldest son is someone who learning comes very easy. At high school he completed a school based traineeship work on military helicopters. He spent 6 weeks at one point away from school due to training for his traineeship and as a result tanked on his school report for that part of the year on 2 of his subjects. The dept of education would not allow for the report to be adjusted after it was issued however they did consent on it being reissued with a statement saying that his marks were reflective of him spending 6 weeks at (the name of the place he trained at).                                                                    ... View more

Hi @Erin-RO I see the therapist for sessions by myself. I do have a clinical psychologist who I have been seeing for over 5 years. She is currently on leave and when she is back at work I will go and see her. It is because of the skills she has taught me that I try to use each day that I have made it relatively intact during the last 2 -3 months. My health is not the best and stress is a major trigger. It is something my clinical psychologist has been working with me to teach me skills to be able to recognise when I’m stressed and activities I can do to reduce the levels. ... View more

Hi @taokat No, I didn’t contact the school to set the meeting up. They emailed us as well as DoCS and the house manager of where she is currently living. I’m glad someone else besides me thinks DoCS response doesn’t make sense.    Yes we have completed the Triple P programme a few years ago and it did make a huge difference and we still use the principals we learnt with our kids and 2 grandchildren.   The girl that she assaulted is a different one. Last year was when she coward punched the girl you are referring to. Since she has left our care she punched a brick wall to get out of a maths test/exam, assaulted the same girl twice during a 3 day period and punched her co-tenant in the back of her head at the top of her spine. It is her co-tenant who didn’t have her charged as she was afraid of the consequences. ... View more

Thank you Erin-RO sometimes it’s tricky figuring out the best way to word what to say We have a family therapist we’ve been talking to and we have been told we need to really wait until the meeting on Monday before doing anything more … there are times when keeping it inside my head is hard and there are very few people I can talk to about what is going on. ... View more

Yes, she does find it a brilliant outlet. With support from amazing teaching staff she has done art at school until she finished, did a cert 4 and diploma in Visual arts at TAFE, has spent the last 4 years doing a bachelor of creative arts and is about to apply to start in July a multidisciplinary Honours degree in creative arts and theatre. we all have creative outlets from music to art to working on cars and motorbikes to wood working to embroidery, sewing and knitting. we do do some things as a family, others as individuals and we encourage and support each other in doing them. ... View more

One of my girls loves purple as it’s a royal colour and makes her feel special. My other girl is an artist and uses lots of earthy colours as she says they help her feel ‘grounded’ … she has Asperger’s Syndrome and hates the name ASD. ... View more

Yes, I do. Every time you give your child a consequence you have to follow through. Your son will learn a good life lesson from the experience. At his age it won’t be long before he is working and being of an age where he will solely responsible for the choices he makes. In his work life etc he won’t always be given a second chance. In my experience not backing down and giving him the tv back before the 6 months is up will be the hardest part of it all. In similar situations I have had to keep my mind focused on one thing … it’s my job to prepare my children for when they leave home so they have the skills they need. Our kids are now almost 40, 38, 28, 23 and 22 (my niece has just turned 15 and she lives with us as well) and now they tell us there were times when they wish we had been tougher with them … go figure! ... View more

Blue … in all it’s shades and green because I find they are restful and relaxing. We have used them with certain browns to decorate our home.  ... View more

Yes, the legal situation is/was a bureaucratic nightmare. The country where she is from has agreed to pay our legal fees so we have engaged a lawyer. They have been awesome! The overseas orders are in the process of being registered in the Family Court here which will make things simpler for us in the long run. We went to the court house earlier with our lawyer and we negotiated with DoCS and came up with an agreement before we saw the magistrate. The agreement we have expires on the 17th of May and the intention is she will return home on the 18th. DoCS are required to arrange visits for us with my niece to allow her to reintegrate back into home.    My nieces back to school meeting was everything it should have been. I went there to support her and a youth worker was also there. The DP set out the rules of her returning one by one and engaged her in a conversation of how she was thinking and feeling about what was said. The youth worker and I were asked if we had any questions regarding the ground rules. When I left my niece was very happily chatting with the DP and eager to go to class.   I can hear your  pain about what has been happening with your daughter. The first few times we were called into school since she has been with us that is how we felt. We have raised 5 other children and not once were they ever in trouble the way she has been. The first time she got suspended last year it was because she had hurt another student. I was shocked to the core and had no idea what to do. Matters were complicated by the girl she hurt having bullied my niece for quite some time. I think in hindsight nothing prepares you for it happening or it’s consequences. The one thing I did do though was to contact the Dept of Education to see exactly what the school were required legally to do and we held them accountable and kept them on track when it was necessary. I also tried to see the situation from the school’s side even though at times it was very hard.   We’ve made a decision regarding the mobile phone. The one she currently has will be removed from her. We’ve found a text and call phone that we can recharge and the credit will last 256 days. On the first day of every 3rd month we will recharge the phone for another $30. If she sends an inappropriate message the phone will be removed for a month. If she uses during church or youth group etc she will loose it for a week. If the credit runs out before the due day to top up we will not be topping it up earlier. She is also to give us her passwords and if she changes them without giving us the passwords or refuses to hand her phone over for us to check when we randomly check, then the phone will be removed from her. At this stage we haven’t figured out for how long. We are trying to come up with a staggered amount of confiscation on the level of misuse.   Thank you for the suggestions and links that everyone has given me as we have used them all to help us to make our decisions.   My niece is someone who came to the attention of child protection when she was about 12 months old. For reasons I will never understand the authorities left her with her parents until she was 7. During that time she was emotionally and physically neglected. When she went into care she went from home to home. We were told initially 12, then it became about 20 and the other day we were told almost 40. We will never know the truth. In care she was sexually assaulted by a female adult, raped by another child in care and continued to be emotionally and physically neglected. She was also physically assaulted by 4 teenage girls in on group home when she was 11. She has experienced a huge amount of trauma and her time in care has made her institutionalised. She has seen psychologists and other professionals over the years however because she was not in a stable environment I think in many ways they were just putting bandaids on the situation. She is now seeing a psychologist which she started about 3 or 4 months ago. She is going weekly and the psychologist is very experienced in working with traumatised kids as well as one with disabilities. Before she came to live with us she had a diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder. When she had been with us for about 12 months we had her reassessed and she was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Now they are talking about things like PTSD, Bi-Polar or Borderline Personality Disorder. Along with her history she also experienced a delay earthquake when she was younger. It caused a huge amount of damage and the death toll was high. We also have a very strong genetic history of Bi-Polar Disorder, ASD (high functioning) and her bio mum has Borderline. My niece has 2 - 3 years before she ages out of this system and we want to make sure she gets the help she genuinely needs. We love her dearly and want to make sure that we advocate for her in a positive way to get her the help she needs. ... View more

Hi Pepper thank you for the links  You and the others on this forum have given us lots of good advice which we will use to formulate a plan. Due to our situation and having to work with DoCS and the equivalent department in another country we have taken the step of hiring a lawyer who in the town we live in is known as being tenacious and works not only in our local court but in the federal court as well. The other country and DoCS are arguing as to who is responsible for what. In the scheme of things the mobile phone to us is a small this but for my niece it is really important. Yesterday she pushed into her ear an unpopped popcorn kernal and was taken to the hospital to have it removed. I can’t help thinking that it is another attention seeking act or she was attempting to try and get out of going to school today.  She had her first day at school today and already by her body language etc during the meeting with her Deputy Principal I know she has no intention of sticking to the behaviour contract she was given today. We totally support the school and don’t believe they are being unreasonable however DoCS thinks they are … sometimes I wonder if this nightmare will ever end.  ... View more

Thank you :-) ... View more

Thank you everyone for your feedback  we like all your suggestions and will follow them. It’s hard for me because I’m the only one of our friends and family that does not have a mobile phone. My husband has one. I think they are a necessary evil as they can be so destructive to having a face to face ‘normal’ relationships with people. Our 28, 23 and 21 year old live at home and we have a phone box at home which is where devices go when we sit down to have dinner. We are going to see what type of phone she has and what it can and can’t do to see what apps etc that we need to put on it. I like the idea of a text and call only phone and will talk with our service provider to see if they have one that we could get. Personally if it was up to me upon returning home she would no longer have it. After she left our care the first place she stayed at brought her the phone and gave it to her. At that stage we had custody and guardianship of her and they never asked us if it was ok. We didn’t find out she had it until she got suspended from school for showing the sexually explicit pictures to other students. We have a horribly complicated legal situation and are having to get her custody and guardianship orders lodged in the Australian Family Court as they were granted in an overseas court. We also have just found out this morning that we have a court appearance this Thursday where DoCS are going to apply for an ‘interim order with parental consent.' We have so many decisions to make and it feels like DoCS keep changing the goal posts on us. We are trying to keep looking forward and remembering that when she comes home that we will not be doing it alone as we have for the last 3 1/2 years and we are going to have a community of people helping us. It’s been a rough 6 weeks or so and sometimes I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of her legal situation if the judge does not grant the order (and it’s a real possibility) then on Thursday she will return home and we will be left scrambling to try and get the support we need. It’s a horrid situation however we love her unconditionally and want her to come home. She has spent the last 6 weeks in residential care and as wonderful as they have been with her it’s not a real life. They try their best with the funding and facilities available to them but it’s not the same as living with people you can call family. ... View more