All great questions @taokat If you're free, join us for the Wednesday Wrap chat tonight at 8 pm  where we'll be discussing this. ... View more

Where my Peeps at?   @Beingme2017  @Chalke5  @LovingThruBlue  @Snoopmum  @Piccola  @taokat  @Zoesplace  @AeroGirl   Who can join us tonight? ... View more

Hey @Moloko Thanks for the update. You're doing an amazing job! It's so great to hear that things have improved for you both. Have you ever heard the term 'progress, not perfection'? I don't know its source but it gets around. The idea is that we strive for things to improve rather than be perfect.  The reason I'm mentioning it is, I know that often in my parenting I can get sidetracked with wanting everything to be perfect. So my teenager and I will move through some major issue and then I want her to stop being rude when she's tired or to remember to text me straight after school or whatever. And two things can happen as a result, first I don't take time to enjoy and acknowledge the massive effort we've just made and second, my daughter feels like I'm never going to be happy with her.   It doesn't mean that what my daughter is doing is ok or that I'm overreacting, it's more about me remembering that it's ok to have times between 'work' where everyone can just relax a bit.   Does that make sense? ... View more

Hey @lizard0812 I absolutely agree with the others that there's no need to apologise or even think about anyone else until you're feeling good about where you are.   it's great that you guys are seeing a GP and I'm also keen to hear what he/she says. But, without wanting to make things harder, can I recommend a paediatric psychiatrist? During my years in this field, when I've worked with kids under 18 or even 16 who needed meds we used paediatric psychs. They just know their stuff better than anyone. You may have already done this, so I'm really sorry if I'm forgetting, I just thought I'd mention it. ... View more

Oh @LovingThruBlue My heart goes out to you and your two. You guys have done it tough for so long. You all deserve a break! I think your idea is a great one.  I always feel like life is that variety show act you see sometimes where the guy spins plates on the top of sticks. The way they keep them up is they watch for which is wobbling and threatening to fall and they spin that one. they can't spin them all at the same time so they just deal with the one that's about to crash. So right now your son is the wobbly plate and needs a spin. Then when he's sorted it's yours and then your daughter's turn.   Does that make sense?   @Lily17 Amazing as usual!! Will you write a book please? I'll buy a bunch of copies. ... View more

Hey @Oxford-1999 I'm so sorry that you guys had to go through something like that. I imagine it was incredibly frightening for you and your daughter. I don't think there's a parent here who wouldn't relate to the idea of wanting a magic wand to make it all go away. I hope things are a little easier for you all now.   This is a tough question, especially because your daughter has a lot on the line, nobody wants to trigger another psychotic episode. What are the supports you have, after the original incident?  When you have a teenager who has struggles of this nature it's really important to think through the middle to big sized steps, like returning to school. Which I'm sure you already know.   Am I understanding it correctly that a part of it is wanting her to keep up a healthy routine? If so, have you spoken to her school? Do you know what sort of supports they'll provide her and you?   Sorry, a lot of questions.  Hope it's not too much. :) ... View more

That's awesome @KitKat2306 No matter the hurdles that may happen in the future, it's just so nice to have peace, hey.   Well done!! ... View more

Hey @tracys Welcome to ReachOut Parents and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.   Raising teenagers can be so tricky. The line between knowing they need space to grow and mature and knowing that the world can be dangerous and hurtful is an incredibly hard one to walk. And it is often made more difficult by the addition of our own 'stuff' and our own fears. And then you have to add in all the other contributing factors like peer groups and their physical selves and hormones etc etc etc. Basically, my point is that we hear you, we all relate to how tough this can be and the first thing to do is acknowledge that coming to a place like this and asking the questions you're asking means you're trying. And really what our teenagers want from us is to care enough to try. So well done!!   I love everything that @Beingme2017 and @Zoesplace suggest. Communication is key and never undervalue the dialogue you have with your son. That he's willing to disclose anything to you is awesome. I'm not sure if you do this already but, one of the things I strongly recommend parents doing is to listen without judgement. Which means that he tells his story without you stopping him with "you did what?" or "do you have any idea how dangerous that is?" It's really tricky, at first but it gets easier. And it's definitely NOT letting your teenager get away with anything. Once the conversation is over then you can revisit the action that you're not ok with and discuss why you think it needs a consequence, etc. But by just allowing them to continue speaking without having to constantly self-edit helps them learn how to speak openly and candidly about what's going on for them. Which can be life-saving in certain situations.    Have you asked him about his change in mood towards his sport?  Sometimes teenagers do stuff without a huge amount of thought around it. For example, like @Beingme2017 describes that feeling that can happen when one kid is really good at something but his peers don't rate it and him putting in effort gets disparaged so he stops doing it. That whole process can happen for a young person without them being really tuned into it. So it can sometimes be really helpful for someone in their life to notice and say 'hey, you sure you feel good about this?' to give them a chance to contemplate it further.   What do you think @tracys?     ... View more

It's not you @lizard0812 It's the platform. Quick reply is no different to a normal reply, it just can't be formatted. ... View more

Oh @lizard0812 That's so tough for you. But well done on making the hard decision for your son. It's a worthwhile one. ... View more

Heyyyy @Beingme2017 So awesome to have you here. We missed you!!! ... View more

Haha snap @taokat   and well done @lizard0812 for working it out. Forums are a little different to other things. :) ... View more

What are we chatting about tonight? ... View more

That's awesome @lizard0812   One thing we haven't mentioned is that you have to keep refreshing your page for the new posts to load. ... View more

And hi @lizard0812! So awesome to have you here. ... View more

haha I'm just sitting here watching that guy wave at me over and over ... View more

hey @taokat Is it just us? ... View more

Hey @lizard0812 If you're able to join us tonight you literally just come back to this thread and start chatting. :) ... View more

Hey @Faob_1   I would also like to just reach out to you and say I can hear how hard things are for you all right now. It's horrible, that feeling of being completely tapped out and not having any more capacity to deal with it. I'm really sorry you guys are all having to go through this, your son included. I'm sure it might seem like he's getting the easiest end of this but my experience has been that kids who are acting out like this are in a huge amount of pain. They just have no idea how to express it or manage it functionally.   I think @taokat's idea of some family counselling would be amazing if you can do it. Even if it's just to facilitate your son moving somewhere else. Having a mediator in the space to support everyone to communicate their feelings can make a huge difference. There are some services who will provide a counsellor to come to the home.   What do you think? ... View more

Hey @Neko1216   Thanks so much for posting your concerns. it is a really tricky one.    I spent many years working with young people who had an array of behavioural issues, which sometimes extended to poor treatment of animals.   My approach is this, you can't make someone 'confess' if they don't want to. There's no magic question that will extract the truth. All you can do is ask and decide if you believe the answer or not.   But, I would also advise that you have a think first and decide if you've already made up your mind about whether he's responsible for this or not, because if you have and you think he did it then you won't believe him if he says he didn't do it. SO it might be best to skip that bit and go straight to opening up a dialogue with him about what's going on for him and what he might need support around.   Does that make sense?   Also, not sure if this helps but I had a kitten that got stuck under a car seat in a way that seemed impossible. They do seem to be very good at getting themselves into bizarre spaces. ... View more

That sounds awesome @Chalke5  What a great topic.     ... View more

Can't wait @taokat  I will be there!! Well, here. :)   Hope you can join us too @Yasna and @shera_rosman.              ... View more

Hey @KITSMITH I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for your foster sister and your family, at the moment. I definitely agree with @TOM-RO that it's worthwhile getting some input from a health professional.   I've worked with some adolescents who had issues with soiling themselves and it almost always points to a bigger issue.   Would your parents be willing to talk to a health professional? ... View more

Hi @Jurluk   Thank you so much for your post and Welcome to ReachOut Parents!! It's always great to hear from someone who has been reading and then decides they want to jump in and get some support for themselves too.   Such a tricky age! So much is going on for them, in their bodies and brains and in their peer groups and at school. It's often hard for parents and adults to fully remember what a relentless onslaught the teen years are. No wonder they all go a bit nuts. And then, on the flip side, older adults often forget just how difficult it is to raise teenagers. Back in the old, old days teenagers were initiated into adulthood and bam, that was it. There were no 'teen years'. Just childhood and then adulthood. Not ideal either but we certainly don't have it easier.   My suggestion would be to start by separating out some of the issues you're having, just to see if there's some you can let go of. For example, what's your position on the boyfriend? If you decide that you're basically ok with it, that you trust her and think that she's ok to not put herself into a situation that ends up yuck for her, then you can ask her if she'd like to talk about relationships in general and let her know she's welcome to raise it whenever she wants to, and then maybe leave her to it.  If you're ok with it.   Or maybe you decide that her preoccupation with social media isn't great but you get it and you could set some limits and then leave that alone.   It's a process that can help you work out what it is that's upsetting you, and why, so you can approach her with one specific issue rather than a general, overall view that she's not doing any of it great. Teens really need to feel that they're managing all this really scary and overwhelming stuff well. Because they look around and they honestly believe that every other teen has this stuff sorted. And they feel like pathetic aliens. If you come to her with a litany of concerns, it might feed that insecurity and make her defensive. Which means nobody wins.   How does this sound? Is it making sense? What's your relationship like? Do you guys talk ok? ... View more

Hey @LovingThruBlue I'm so sorry I can't add anything more than my concern and support to seek professional advice. I'm a really firm believer in pushing a doctor to dig deeper or going to an alternative one if they don't seem to be interested in finding an answer.    It's important to remember that you have the greater insight into the 'patient' because you see her every day. They have the medical expertise but they need your input to make an accurate one. Don't let them dismiss you.   Hope she's doing ok . ... View more

Hey @worried1976 That sounds like a really hard time for all involved.  It can be so overwhelming to have a teenager acting out like this because you are constantly moving between feeling angry and worried. It's not a happy place for anyone.   I completely agree with @taokat that coaching could really help you with this situation. One of the best things that coaching does, besides being free and available outside of work hours, is gives you a trained professional to talk to about your situation to develop some strategies to help with the conflict.   What do you think? ... View more

Hey @Sidi I'm so sorry it's taken so long for a reply!! That's my fault.   And so sorry to hear about the situation you had with your son and his friends. It's definitely put you in a spot.   My position is that you need to talk to both parents. It might be different if you had seen them out drinking one night or had heard a story from your son but, for me, what makes it so black and white is that they were in your care for the evening. I don't mean it from a position of blame. Every parent has to know that there is nothing a parent can do to stop something like his occurring AND it could literally happen to ANY parent. It's just that I believe the appointed adult has the responsibility to hand over information to the other adults. Like a mandatory reporter. Your role isn't to identify culprits or attribute responsibility or even to interpret why it happened, just to report exactly what occurred so that everyone is on the same page.   I have always let my teenagers know that anything that goes down in my house is automatically being relayed to parents. With the exception of conversations. They're welcome to speak freely.    What do you think? Which way have you been leaning?   And what does your son think? Does he have a preference one way or another? ... View more

Awesome @Nicole-SANEaus I think that's probably put a lot of parent's minds at ease. Knowing that there are all sorts of ways to continue supporting your now adult child, without feeling like you have to forgo your own needs! That's wonderful.   Thank you so much for your input tonight @Nicole-SANEaus it's been awesome getting your expertise on this stuff.   And thank you @taokat I always love your stories about you and your daughter. What a great mum you are to her. :) ... View more