Hey @Trapet Welcome to ReachOut Parents.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It's clear how much you love your son and care about his well-being. I think I can speak for the community when I say we get how incredibly heartbreaking and difficult a situation like this is. The feelings can be overwhelming. So much fear about what might happen, anxiety about what you're supposed to do, frustration when schools and services don't seem to be helping and the guilt about how this came about. At the time when you need to be most calm and present, is exactly the time when it feels like your chest is going to explode. But you can definitely find solace in the knowledge that you being in his corner is one of the greatest gifts you give him. Your concern is a big part of what he needs so keep reminding yourself that you guys are battling the same monster, together, shoulder to shoulder.
So I wanted to put forward a suggestion that might seem a bit strange. I was reading through what you've shared and the amazing feedback the parents have offered. And as exactly as @Big_Crab says, I'm sure you've tried heaps of things already. What if you took 'opening up' off the table for a bit? And put in 'connecting' instead? Sometimes when really full-on things are happening with our kids we start coming from a place of fear. We are so desperate to keep them safe we can get a bit blindsided. I know that when my eldest was in her darkest period I needed her to tell me what was going on inside her all the time. Sometimes she'd make a face and I'd start saying "what's wrong honey?" and 30 minutes later we'd both be crying and she'd have gone mute a while back and I would be saying "please tell me, please just tell me."
It sounds pretty dismal now but at the time I was so terrified that I was going to lose her that I felt like I needed to see inside her mind so I could start addressing the issues. What I ultimately had to do was relax, back up a bit and just be with her, in whatever way she needed me.
She later told me that she was so anxious about what would happen if she started speaking that it made her unable to speak.
Is there any chance that your son is feeling something similar?
What would happen if you stopped asking him to talk about his feelings, just for a bit, and instead just hang out with him? Even if he's staring out at space, if he knows you're nearby and that it's ok for him to be inside himself, that might make a difference. It's just a process of 'taking the pressure off'. Even though I know you don't at all mean it to feel like pressure to him if it's possible that he's seeing or feeling like it is then that may be why he's struggling so much with talking about his feelings.
@motherbear and @Lily17 both had some great suggestions. What do you think about trying them but holding off on the part where he needs to open up and instead make it more about you guys spending quality time together?
I'd love to know what @lucille thinks about this too. If you click here you can read the topic Lucille started. I have a feeling you might find some similarities.
Finally, I'm wondering about where you're getting your support from. Do you have someone, professional or not, that you can debrief and offload to?
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