Hey @mrcrazylady
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Reading your post actually made me feel a little sad. We put so much time & effort into our children, and I can't even imagine having to "lose" one of them like you have.
You mentioned completely "backing off" which seems like the right thing to do. Even though its hard, sometimes you have to just let people go, and just hope that they come back. I think its particularly good to let go if the interactions with your eldest child have become mostly negative, because such interactions definitely wont help the situation. It might be an idea to sort of separate from the situation for a year or two, and reconnect with them in a positive way when you're a bit more "detached" from the situation.
I think if you want to maximize the chances of your child returning or opening up to you again, then it's important to communicate with them in a leveled and caring way, and remind them how important they are to you, how much you care for them, and support them even if you disagree with their decisions. The reason I say this is because if you engage positively, then it maximizes the chances of your child coming back to you (talking again etc.). And if his wife is the narcissistic person that you say she is, then if your child ever finds the courage to reach out or break away from their wife, then it is likely you'll be the person they contact. It also means that if your child's wife is speaking badly about you and trying to turn your child against you, that your child may be able to recognize that she is incorrect, and not fall into her trap. By the way this is not to make you feel bad about your recent "nasty" behaviour - at the end of the day we are only human, we get hurt, and sometimes our emotions get the better of us and we act in ways we regret. That's okay. At this point, I guess it is also important for me to say that your mental health is important, and if engaging with your child is having a negative impact on you, then it is okay for you to distance yourself. You shouldn't have to engage with them in a way that is uncomfortable to you.
So to reiterate - I think it's good that you are giving your child some space. If they do contact you before you contact them, then it might be a good idea to tell them how much you miss them and care for them. If you don't hear from them, then maybe you can reach out in a few years if you want to reconnect. All you can do it try. And of course, all of this is up to you. I am just offering some suggestions, but in no way are telling you what you should or shouldn't do. At the end of the day, you know the situation best, and you know what works for you best.
Also, regarding your child's decision to become gender fluid, and your concern over it not being being their own decision - I guess it's hard to say for sure why they decided this, and it's probably best to avoid guessing. Their wife may have pressured your child into it, but it's also completely possible that it is 100% a decision of their own. I'm not sure whether you've expressed this concern to your child (about it not being their decision), but if you do make contact in the future, it's probably best to avoid saying this, as I can't see it positively influencing your relationship.
I guess all of the above is just my opinion based on what you've told me so far. It might be an idea to seek professional support, as what you're going through is definitely not easy. It sounds like you really care about your son and have given him your all, and as a parent, that's all you can really do. Try and be easy on yourself over the holidays, take some time out for yourself, and do some things you enjoy.
Also - just a side note. I noticed you said that you sometimes feel homicidally angry or suicidally depressed? i need to ask whether you truly mean this or if it's simply a figure of speech?
Lastly, given the length of your initial post, I have moved it to the "concerned about my teen" section of our forums, and it is now it's own thread. This should increase the amount of support you receive.
Again, please look after yourself. And thank you so much for sharing - it was very courageous of you to speak so openly and honestly with all of us on the forums.
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