I've got a new tool to use in my communications I hope might be useful to others. It's aimed at reducing conflict in conversation which easily arises when emotions are high or we feel we haven't been heard. These prompts make us think about what each one is asking, and in doing so gives us the opportunity to express our true needs clearly and concisely.
The sentence prompts are:
'I feel (or felt).......
when.......
because......
and I would like......'
For example (based on an incident where my daughter came out swearing and yelling one night I had a friend over.)
I felt embarrassed
when you came out raging about the tv in front of my friend
because Jenny felt uncomfortable and left
and I would like you to have just said 'Mum could you please turn down the tv, it's too loud'.
The aim is to get to a point where our finishing sentences are written using words that do not place blame, cause shame or ridicule, but instead reflect our 'stuff'. The idea is that you keep editing until the wording is calm but direct, before you resond to the person (teen, partner, friend, colleague, anyone!)
A couple of tips I was given:
a) the wording is not to contain the word anger or angry. Anger is actually a mask emotion, meaning there is a different underlying emotion, quite often hurt, sad, disappointed etc. Keep rewording until you pinpoint that underlying emotion.
b) "Get rid of sorry". Use the word apologise. This tool is to help us feel empowered, not defeated. That seemed strange to me at first, but when I say the two words out loud, the feeling is different with each.
I've made up a template on my computer for us to use at home and have a couple printed out for easy access. There's actually no reason why it can't be used in positive times as well - it's great for really identfying our emotions around our needs or gratitudes!
(@Ngaio-RO I should probably have put this under Skills to Build...)
... View more