Hi Taokat, Your post struck a chord. Firstly, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!! Please remove this totally from your thoughts as guilt is a negative emotion. You are a beautiful, wonderful caring mum who has stood by and supported your daughter every step of the way. For a psychiatrist or other human being to say those things to you (regarding you being at fault for your daughters problems) is inhumane, totally insensitive and uncalled for! Unfortunantly, there are some people who are in the wrong profession.......I see it all the time! They are not in our shoes.....and cannot judge! Please disregard those words from the psychiatrist and choose to think of pleasant thoughts instead. Perhaps you could try some visualisation......think about a beautiful natural beach or a lovely peaceful scene you have liked. Or go for a walk in the mornings or early evenings and watch the sun rise or set. These simple tasks can help you feel a tad better. The past is dust, taokat......we cannot do anything to change what’s happened to our teenagers but we can change our responses and stay present in the moment. I hope things improve for yourself and your daughter. How is she going now? My son has improved. Has been enjoying his new school. A BIG improvement but we still have a way to go. Take care. Remember.....this moment is all that matters! Sister x ... View more

Greetings @Fake,   I identify totally with all that you have scribed. Being the school holidays my son is constantly on technology. playing games or on his phone. Awake all night and sleeps all day. My son also has ADD, depression and anxiety and has previously self-harmed and been suicidal. Is currently on anti-depressant medication.   I understand about the meltdowns. I am a solo parent and actually called the police last year when things were really bad and I don't wish to do it again (only as a last resort). I also understand about judgements from others....if only we could turn the internet off without the repercussions.   All I can suggest to you is to try and focus on the positivies through it all. I know its really difficult. At least your son attends to his schooling. He showers, eats his dinner and takes his medications. He also obviously has a parent who loves him dearly which is obvious through your message. All we can currently do is try and educate our sons about the importance of good nutrition, hygiene, exercise, hobbies etc.in the hope that one day they may realize.  Is there a family member or friend you could ask to call him up and offer to take him out for his favourite food (as well as a walk)? Can you talk to your family doctor or a psychologist (if your son is seeing one) about this issue?   If its any help to you....a lot of us are in similar shoes.....even parents whose children DON'T have teenagers struggle with this problem.   All the best. Look after you. ... View more

The main thing I would suggest is to reach out early and get as much support on board as possible. As a parent/carer the signs that your teenager is "not quite right" can sometimes be staring right at us and at other times the signs are more subtle.    For example, with my own situation, my son has seemed to struggle with school work from an early age so I tried to get him extra help in place at school. I found that as parents, we often need to advocate for our children as their issues can be overlooked or minimised.   With his behaviours, I initiated a child psychologist from an early age however they were not very helpful. I find you need to sift through the professionals as some will suit your child better than others. The behaviours at home are often not evident within an hours psychology session.   A family doctor can be a good starting point. Go and see them alone (or with your partner if you have one) and explain what has been going on with your teenager. They can help with referrals after they see your child. A school counsellor is also a good starting point.   If you as the carer can have some respite, that is ideal. A family or friend to help though is sometimes not possible so do something for YOU, even if it is going for a 20 minute walk in the fresh air. This was vital to me during times of immense hardship with my child. Meditation has also helped me enormously, especially when my son has been aggressive.   Importantly, reach out to others. If you are selective and private in who you share your teenagers troubles with, then go to a counsellor yourself or be brave enough to open up to at least one other person. I have found this the most difficult as I have wanted to protect my son and have been concerned about mental health labelling and stigma. But I am learning that it is important to open up to others. I am not just the helper but the one in need of assistance too.   Finally, pass the information on to other parents and carers (as well as the teenagers and their own forums) about the Reach Out website because it has been of immense benefit to my own situation and I am very grateful to have found it after it was posted on facebook. It would have been ideal if I knew about it years ago.   Hope these suggestions can help at least one other parent or carer.   ... View more

Hi @Andy002,   Your family is all going through a very difficult time however.......hang in there because you have begun the very first step by posting a little of your situation.  "Reaching out" was the first step for me too as I was battling many years of similar behaviours with my son.....and now as a solo parent.   However.......no matter how difficult it may seem to you at the moment, there is hope and help available but from my experience......you need to be pro-active and seek professionals and assistance out. Supports are paramount and you mentioned you don't have a great deal of that, so seek out the professionals who may provide a service either free or with minimal charges. Does your daughter have a school counsellor you could talk to about your daughters behaviours? Do you have a family doctor you could speak with? A community centre with mental health workers at a local hospital?   Access this forum and remember.....be good to yourself.  Meditation has helped me a great deal.....not just practising when a crisis hits, but on a daily basis. I am hoping one day my son may practice too. ... View more

Hi @Fra_27,   I was sorry to read about the struggles you have been having with your son and I can truly empathise because my son suffers from depression too. Its very difficult caring for our loved ones in this situation and lots of patience is needed, thats for sure!   I reached a stage with my own son where I needed counselling too because it all became so draining. Just a few sessions was all it took for me to offload onto a professional who could be objective about the situation. There is also the on-line coaching accessable on this forum....have you tried it?   In your sons situation, safety is paramount and if he is indicating suicidal thinking or intention then it is vital that he receive the correct support. Have you tried phoning or seeing the school psychologist, psychologist or psychiatrist yourself and putting them in the picture? Confidentiality sometimes seems to have gone too far and extreme.....I found out my son had contemplated and planned suicide and the treating doctor at the time didn't even inform me! I read it on a hospital discharge summary note.   Your son is struggling, @Fra_27. I know he is testing you to the max, however depression can be debilitating in teenagers......they often can be aggressive and non-compliant as part of the condition. Talk to the professionals if you can. ... View more

Hi @sunflowermom   Was sorry to read your last post about your daughters hospitilisation. Irrespective of her diagnosis, please use this time as being good to yourself. Its vital for your own mental health.   Sis     ... View more

Hi @taokat,   I am so sorry I haven't been online to offer you and others support of late. I haven't had a chance to read back on the forums so shall just begin from right here.   How are you and how is your daughter? ... View more

Had you considered grief counselling for yourself @Help_needed? Once you take care of yourself you might find it easier to deal with your daughters issues. Three losses must be a lot for you to grapple with.   Regarding your daughters acquired brain injury, does she have an occupational therapist or another health professional to assist on a 1:1? Please don't blame yourself....you are doing the best you can. ... View more

Thank you for sharing the story of your sons THC use @asjmt. You seem like such a beautiful, caring parent and that is a credit to you especially going through this tough time.   Firstly, I wouldn't take on board what your family has been saying about the situation being your "fault"....they are not in your shoes and are not making any effort to fully appreciate and understand the dynamics and difficulty of you and your sons plight. Not to mention the strain and stresses it must be placing on your immediate family. So it is NOT YOUR FAULT.....why would you bring this on yourselves??   Setting boundaries are easily said than done. They can be applied to a lot of teenagers but there are allowances for some people. Thats not to say mental health issues need to be an excuse either but its just about getting a balance. Every person is an  individual. This has been my experience.   Your son obviously has had some insight into his mental health and although he stopped receiving treatment, at least he has been receiving assistance in the past. Stay positive and hopeful that he will develop the insight once again.   I think the previous suggestion about accessing headspace is a good one. Also possibly some counselling for yourself to help you to deal with your own feelings around the situation.   Good luck and let us know on the forum how you go.  ... View more

Thank you @sunflowermom and @Taylor-RO for your support and suggestions regarding managing my sons behaviours. I will try finding an appropriate time again to talk with my son about what works best for him although at this stage I feel not giving the negative behaviours any obvious attention seems to work best for us both.   Safety of course is paramount and if his outbursts get too bad I just need to leave the house. An awful way to live! Prevention however is important too and I have really been working hard on my own reactions and responses to his behaviours by not retaliating and like you mentioned @Taylor-RO, not taking his attacks personally. This is a real test because I find being sworn at and spoken to really disrespectively very demeaning. However, I don't lose hope that one day my son shall realise his disrespect and develop into the beautiful soul I know he is capable of being.   Due to his extreme anxiety (for whatever the reasons and there are probably several) I know in my heart he doesn't mean these dreadful things so if I continue to stay calm, not take his words personally and not lose sight of compassion, love and understanding then things shall improve. This is all unconditional of course and I need to give myself breaks along the way because I am also learning all about self care which is so important for all of us particularly when living in these situations.   I have just done a lovely walk in the sunshine and am giving myself some "time out" by being on this forum. Nurturing myself by finding enjoyment in the simple things in life. Nature, writing and reading are gifts to myself. Also talking to select others over a cup of coffee/tea about my sons behaviours when they occur. These are basic things but for me they work. If I am calm and happy, hopefully one day my son shall be too! This is the plan.   @sunflowermom....what you are going through with your daughters behaviours takes patience, love and compassion too. But please give yourself some time out and pampering. You deserve the gift of self kindness and nurturing. Listening to your daughter screaming can be really hard to deal with as you know. What about putting some head phones on and listening to some relaxation music when she begins screaming? That way you are still on the peripherary but not giving the behaviour undue attention. Possibly your daughter could try this technique too although she may have done already.   Look after yourself @sunflowermom as I shall be too.     ... View more

Firstly, apologies everyone for not contributing online for so long and I do hope everyone is going ok with their individual situations.   The last few months have been a rollercoaster for my son and self. There have been slight improvements however they are merely baby steps. My son has commenced a new mainstream school and although its early days, states he likes it. That is actually a  positive as he wasn't going to school at all at one stage.   The main problem I have is coping with his behaviours at home which all seem to be triggered by his extreme anxiety. He lashes out at me swearing and yelling really loud and I find this really stressful. Its been ongoing and medication helps his behaviours only a little. He is currently on a waiting list to see another psychologist and sees a psychiatrist for his medication.   I have come to realise that my son might always have this debilitating anxiety and so I've now accepted and surrended to his condition and am able to talk about it more openly to a select few. This is another positive as I kept his condition to myself for so long. What I was wondering was whether any other person out there has any techniques that they could recommend to assist with screaming and swearing and unreasonable demands put on them by their teenager?   My current ways of dealing with these behaviours as a solo parent (and the best I have found so far) is to have total compassion for my son and realise that he is truly suffering to say and do all these dreadful things...all directed at myself, the person who loves him above all others. I no longer yell back and I try and transform my own anger into compassion. Although it is against my parenting beliefs to NOT put consequences in place, this (in the past) has always added fire to the situation. So instead of getting angry for my son for getting his own way, I don't say or do anything when he becomes angry and has his outbursts. This seems to work the best and my son settles down a lot quicker than if I were to retaliate.    But if anyone else has any suggestions, that would be great.   I do totally empathise with the "2 years of hell" post however, please know that a lot of us are going through similar (although different) situations and this forum is a wonderful opportunity to connect with others. I am very grateful.   Thank you. ... View more

Today for self-care I'm spending some time on the forum and then going for a coffee with a friend in the afternoon. ... View more

Hi @jdbza, You are certainly going through a difficult time with all of this. But am sure you will survive it because your posts indicate that you have been through so much past turmoil and have managed these times with a lot of inner strength. It is good that you have a Spiritual foundation because, at times like this, these beliefs and supports can be your rock.   Firstly, its wonderful that you are reaching out in this forum. I have found it really beneficial with my own teens issues and so I hope you find some solace too. Secondly, its great that you are taking positive action for yourself namely with your church and your three adult children. Is it possible for you to see another psychologist until your own one returns from leave? Just for extra support whilst you are going through this crisis? How do you get on with your husband? Do you manage to spend any time together away from the family?   Through everything that you are going through try and stay calm with it all. I know that can be easier said than done but if you can just focus on all the good things you have done for your family and remain strong with that knowledge. Things shall eventually fall into place......its just messy at the moment. You are a survivor and thats evident by you having a child lose their life plus parenting disabled children. If you can get through that then you'll get through this too.     ... View more

Hi @sunflowermom,   So sorry you have been going through this with your daughter.   I hope things have settled down for you both. ... View more

Hi @Lostdad,   You, your daughter and family have been through a lot so please don't be hard on yourself, @Lostdad. Safety is always first and you have done the correct thing by taking your daughter to the hospital. The decision that staff made to admit her to the unit was a necessary task and was in your daughters best interests.   Guilt is a negative emotion however as parents we go through it and other feelings. A lot of us here on the forum have gone through this roller-coaster of emotions and understandably we wish to stay strong for the rest of the family.   So...the first thing you need to do @Lostdad to stay strong for your other children is to reassure yourself that you did the necessary thing by taking your daughter to the hospital. It would have been negligent to have done otherwise. You are a good and responsible dad to care for your daughters welfare so much.    Secondly, you need to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Do something you totally enjoy....which might seem difficult at such a time when your daughter is in hospital but its not impossible. In my and other peoples experience going through these difficult times it is vital that we care for ourselves......giving to others all the time can wear us out and it can catch up with us if we don't look after our own mental health. So please do something right now for you.    Thirdly, do you have a relative or family friend who could care for your two other children so you and your wife can have some time together?   Be good to yourself....try and keep things simple if you can as going through a crisis such as this can really deplete your energy. Use as much support systems as possible. School counsellors, psychologists, mental health workers, GPs or anyone else whom the hospital staff recommend. You needn't be alone.   There is another dad on this forum. @Schooner who has been through a tough time with his son. He might be able to give you some suggestions too.   Take Care....its a tough time but you WILL get through it.     ... View more

Hi @taokat,   What about "Our favourite colour and why"?   "The best place we have ever visited"   I will try and think of more.   @Sister ... View more

Hi @MBParent,   That is a wonderful outcome for you and your daughter. Also her friends.   What a blessing for your daughter to attend such a caring school. What a difference also to have an interested teacher who reached out to yourself.   Congratulations for being such a special mum. Your daughter is very fortunate. ... View more

Hi @Kerry36,   You need to do what's best for yours and your sons own situation.   My son is in residential care and schooling during the week and home weekends. Although I wish his behaviours were otherwise and he could be at home with me to live a "normal" life, this is currently not possible. When the situation becomes unmanageable and you are on your own (or without a supportive partner), then respite becomes gratefully embraced. This has been my experience.   The negatives about residential care however are that your teenager can pick up on the behaviours of others which can create a new set of problems. However, if the staff are good, they can work with the family and teenager around this.   Like yourself, I was at a stage where my sons behaviours were out of control. Safety for him was paramount and although far from perfect, I am grateful for the care and support now received.    Remember......it doesn't need to be permanent and you need to do what's best for yourself and your son. If you have tried all other avenues without success (as I had done), I would say to any parent in a similar situation, to accept the help of a residential place. Sad, but necessary. ... View more

Hi @taokat,   That's great news about your daughter returning to TAFE! Am sure she will make a fabulous nurse especially after all her experiences as a teenager. She can use all of this to help other people. Funnily enough, my son also wishes to do nursing. But he has a looooong way to go! Nothing is impossible (as we know) and things can change.   What an experience for you going through what you did when you were 18. Something you haven't forgotten, that's for sure. Whether my son has learnt from his panic attack instigated by the pot last week is another story. He has had other negative experiences from occasional pot smoking which scared him for a while, but then returned to smoking it. He has also confessed to me he now smokes cigarettes which I guessed due to the smell of smoke on his clothes. Such foolishness, but what can I do? He has been educated about the health risks around both.   At the moment I am struggling with all the disappointments I feel around my sons behaviours. Behaviours which I seem to have no control over. It breaks my heart. All I can do about the situation, is to work on my own reactions to everything, try not to let it get me down too much and hope that one day he may have some insights to change and apologise for all the heartache he has triggered.   Like other parents, I just wish for my child to get an education and to be healthy and happy.   ... View more

Hi @Mumof19yrold   You are not alone.   I think a lot of us can struggle over Easter and special occasions.   At least your daughter is willing to do things with you. My son is currently isolating in his room so I need to do things alone and if I go out its only briefly as I still need to check on him. He is 15.   Could you and your daughter do some volunteer work together? Maybe visit some people in an aged care facility or something along those lines? What about neighbours? Don't be put off by not asking them around because they could feel just as you do. Maybe organise a picnic with some people you know (?) Do you have any other family at all? Possibly you could try and organise something for another occasion.   Some people also have no one and are disabled in some way or unable to get out of the house.   I understand where you are coming from though. I feel like this at times too however I know there are other people feeling the same way right at this moment........out of the billions of people in the world, there will be many going through difficulties such as ours too. I find this way of thinking helps. ... View more

Hi @Netbell123,   Thats great you are remaining hopeful regarding your daughter. So glad you can get a break whilst your daughter is at work and thats great that she is being responsible enough to have a job.   Wonderful also about the counsellor. Try and hold onto these positives when things are not going well.    Not sure about the App but some of the others will be able to assist. Ive been on this forum for about 2 months now and its been my life-saver.   Cheers ... View more

Happy Easter to you too @sunflowermom,   I hope you are having a wonderful time away. You certainly deserve it!!   Take Care. ... View more

@MBParent,   PS. I also agree with @Breez-RO, that self-care for your daughter is important.   Importantly, I would praise your daughter for doing the correct thing (by telling you) and you staying calm will help your daughter to not focus on the situation too much.   If you have any concerns, the school counsellor could help support your daughter by just listening and providing your daughter with reassurance that there are adults who can now deal with the situation.   Its a lot for a 12 year old to take on alone. ... View more

Hi @MBParent,   You and your daughter seem very caring. The fact that you have asked for assistance in this forum and your daughters' concern over her friends is commendable.   It seems as though a lot is going on with several of your daughters friends and I would be inclined to speak with a head teacher (if at high school) about the messages your daughter has been receiving.   Perhaps there is a counsellor who could talk with these students or possibly the principal could organise for a mental health worker to talk with the class as a whole?   Your daughter is probably concerned about the confidentiality of her friends information, however as safety in these situations is number one, either the parents of the students and/or the teachers need to be made aware of the content of the communication. The main thing to ask is "would I want to know if my own teenager was self-harming or suicidal?" ... View more

Hi @Faob_1,   How was the pedicure?   I agree with @Erin-RO. A counsellor is someone to talk to about all that you are going through. I hid stuff for years with my sons behaviour.....wanted to protect him and us as a family (I am divorced now). I also still don't tell a lot of people about all the turmoil as I figure its affected my sons and our families lives so much. I didn't wish to burden other people with it all as well. Screaming, yelling, smoking pot, stealing, school refusal, lying, not meeting curfews, police involvement, hospital presentations and aggression stemming from my sons anxiety and behaviours has truly affected our lives just so so much and I can fully empathise with you being physically and emotionally shattered.   I am a single older parent and have cut my professional working hours to the bare minimum.....going through stuff with my son and then trying to deal with full-time work was just too much for me to manage. I now accept all the assistance I can get.   My son attends a residential school during the week, I accept offers of help from family members (who have only just recently started to come to the party as they could finally see the seriousness of the situation), I look after myself more (walks, massages, writing, coffee with friends, meditation, yoga....anything to help me deal with the stress and I have the time now) and am receiving counselling. Opening up to someone we don't know can be a blessing. You can ask your GP for a mental health care plan to cut back on psychologists costs. It took me courage to admit I wasn't coping but then who could? Its a tough journey however I love my son dearly and will not give up on him. There is always hope. Plus I try my best in the quiet moments to look on all of this as an opportunity to help others who are in a similar situation.   My son is improving slowly but there have been setbacks. More to "talk" about next time.   Try the counselling. Is it possible for you to have a break from work for a while? ... View more

Dear @Netbell123,   I am so sorry you are going through this very tough time with your daughter.   I do hope you are finding the counsellor supportive. It must be such a worry for you having your daughter absconding of a night and placing herself at risk. All you want is for her to be safe so I can understand you picking her up in the morning wherever she may be.   Hopefully, with the counsellors support, you might get some guidance regarding putting boundaries in place regarding your daughters behaviours.  Meanwhile keep pouring your heart out to your understanding friends and allow yourself to post here online whenever you feel like it. ... View more

Hello @At-a_loss and @Holden,   Thank you for sharing a little of your stories.   Unfortunately, the realities in the mainstream high schools (in my experience parenting a teenager with learning difficulties, anxiety and depression) are that the classes are too big and can be overwhelming for teenagers with these and other issues.   The good news is that there is help available, however you need to do your research and seek the help out. People rarely come to us and there is still a lot more assistance needed for teenagers with auditory processing difficulties, anxiety, depression, BPAD and other medical conditions. You are not alone. These are conditions that are still not talked about as openly as they need to. If your child has a broken leg, people come running...if there is a deficit or mental health problem with your teen...people can sometimes run the other way. This has been my and others peoples experience. But not everyones and I don't wish to be negative....just realistic.   Keep being persistent. Don't give up because there are alternatives to mainstream education or if your children return to their schools, there are counsellors in the public and private sector who can help your children. There are also residential schools for teenagers with difficulties. There is home schooling, TAFE, independent and private smaller schools. Everyone is different. But through everything, compassion is needed. More compassion from the health professionals, teachers, neighbours....everybody.   Both of you need support for yourselves so this forum is a good start. Always tell your kids you love them, but love yourselves too. Don't give up...even when you feel the situation is bleak. There is always hope and you are defiantly not alone. ... View more

Hi @Faob_1 At least your son had his school uniform on when you found him watching tele with the neighbour!   Seriously though, it is good that he is attending school......3 days is better than 2, 2 better than 1 and even if he wasn't attending at all there is always hope!   It is so difficult when you need to go to work and have to leave them not going to school! I ended up taking 6 months off once to attend to my sons needs but hope to not do that again. Unless I win the lottery, of course!   That's great you are not yelling and staying calm. I'm also learning with that one. Its hard though, isn't it when they swear and carry on? But like you mentioned, it does no good and they cannot hold it against us if we yell at them back. Calmness and self-control are definantly positive attributes which you seem to be practicing and I am working on.   I feel positive that through time, your sons behaviour will improve. But it might be a battle in the meantime so look after YOU in between the work. ... View more

Hi @AUGUSTA,   I have only just read your latest message and so sorry I didn't respond or see it sooner!   A belated "thank you" for your positive words. They are helping me at the moment.    Hanging in there, persistence, looking after myself and always telling my son how much I love him....in spite of his behaviours. This gives me hope for my son.   How is your situation and did your son return to studies or get a job? ... View more

Hi @sunflowermom, @taokat And All The Other Parents And Carers Out There,   I have been wondering how both your daughters are going? How has school been for your daughter @sunflowermom and how has TAFE been going @taokat? Its great that they are back attending and have persevered....thank goodness for their mums!   I am still working out the triggers within myself in regards to my sons' swearing and hostility. All I've ever wished is for him to be happy and have tried to help him so much. But I am learning to accept and let go a little more now as my anxieties seemed to be adding to his problems. For example, I no longer question who he has been with when he goes out (even though I am just a concerned mum and care) because he seems to react with hostility around my questioning.    Last week when he smoked the pot and ended up in hospital with a panic attack seemed to shake him up a bit, however I am not holding my breath that he won't smoke again. He has been educated by both myself and his counsellor about the risks surrounding substance use but he is either not mature enough to understand or refuses to learn. (My son has learning difficulties but is actually really bright with a lot of stuff.....but not the dope smoking at this stage unfortunately)    All I can hope for at this stage is a peaceful 4 days before school returns. To help with my own anxieties around my sons behaviours, I intend to just do something simple....like go for a walk on the beach or in nature. Hopefully my son can do something similar.   Hope you all have a Happy Easter.  ... View more