Hi Aria43, Reading your post was like reading my own. I am so sorry you and your son are going through this, it has been very difficult for myself and my 17 yr. old daughter. She started down her dark path in middle school, when she was 12, but I didn't find out until she was 16. How could I have not known... I ask myself that all the time. She was hurting herself physically, and it makes me cry every time I see her scars. Because I didn't understand what was happening at first, things were very tense between she and I a couple of years ago. We used to be so close, she was my "mini-me" and my best buddy, we were always talking and sharing, had each other's backs. I was a single mom with her, and her father was very abusive, all we had was each other. So when things started going downhill in our relationship it only made things worse. I had her with counselors, only to find out they did not share with me her cutting herself, I was furious with them. My daughter was the one who finally told me, it was like I had been lying on a warm beach and someone dumped a bucket of ice water on me. Everything froze for a few moments, and a major shift in my mindset occurred. I thought she was just being lazy and defiant, but now I had the full frightening picture. Since then we have relied on our family doctor, who has been a wonderful help, and her school counselors and family. I feel we are on a roller coaster, we will have good days and then some bad, but some things have gotten better, she is no longer hurting herself. She has withdrawn from high school, is working with the school district taking courses at a community college. She will no longer take any meds, not even vitamins that help with her sleeping and moods. She says she hates pills, doesn't like how the meds make her feel. But she seems a little happier now, and I'll take any small improvement in a heartbeat. I'm not sure, but I think it helps her that I won't give up, that I still ask her to talk to me, tell me what's going on. I stress with her it's about trust, we can't lie to each other. She must be truthful with me, no matter how concerned she is with my reaction. And I let the waves pass over me, knock me around, but I get back on my feet and stand strong for her. That's all I can do when she refuses everything else. She will be 18 in a few months, I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, and I can't protect her from much anymore. So, all I have is our relationship. Keep that strong if you can, I feel that's the one safety line our child can rely on. They need to know we are there for them no matter what. Not an easy road for either of you. Again, so sorry you are both going through this.
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