I hear you!!    It’s great that you are trying to alleviate this now. Exercise, like tennis, is a great outlet. In fact, when our son acted like this we would tell him to get on his bike. Neuroscience shows that exercise consolidates learning so he might like this idea. This and hydration increase dopamine production.  Another avenue to consider is volunteering or giving back to the community in some way. We found that putting someone or something else’s needs first helped him prioritise and be realistic. Through Scouts they did a lot, especially environmentally. Other kids like helping at the animal shelter, recycling, food vans etc. I know our local aged care centre is asking for people to play chess or read with residents. These are all good skills for a future doctor. It doesn’t have to be weekly and could be school based. We just found our son improved when he saw how lucky he was.  Another option we are considering is EMDR with a psychologist to reduce anxiety but you have to find the right person.  Good luck.  ... View more

This is a horrible feeling. It stinks when your generosity is abused. He probably doesn’t realise how dreadful his behaviour is and confronting him won’t affect him. I do agree that venting is important though. Maybe write him a long letter. Something he can reflect on if it’s impactful. And you can be facetious by including a card for him to apologise to your daughter. Hope she is ok ... View more

This is tough. I strongly promote that parents know their children best, however, teachers seem exempt from this. I encourage you to remain open to others and consider their ideas.  Our eldest is high functioning autistic. He coped well with our and teacher help until University. Now we struggle.  Just reflect and remember that having tests or assessments done, may not help, but at least you know.  I’m going to think about this more but wish you luck.  Big hugs ... View more

Sorry to hear about your struggle. It sounds like you reacted wisely. How is it now? ... View more

This is really tough and seems to build conflicting emotions for you.  I figure you mum thinks she is helping you which probably makes her feel good.  It might be time to have the "You be the grandparent and I'll be the parent" chat.  This is not an easy conversation. You might want to take her out for coffee - somewhere public - if you think it could get heated.  It is important for you to remind her that she is living in your house because she needs to. You can acknowledge her love, experience and contributions to the household.  You value her suggestions, however, that is all they are, suggestions. You can say things like; that's good idea i hadn't thought of that i'll think about it yeah but nah  Than have a consistent and clear set of expectations for the household where everyone knows their rights and responsibilities AND consequences. A mature teen should just need a verbal reminder, redirection and then a follow through.    Also,  she isn't going to be around forever so ask her to be the fun one. Ask her to be the one her grandson wants to go to for help and advice - your backup adult. Ask her to be the 'good' guy for a while and see how their relationship changes. He might do more for if she changes tack. Unless their being in cahoots leads to more trouble for you of course. Both my parents and in laws are going through health crisis'  at the moment and they are so glad they took the fun role.    Good luck. I'd love to know how it goes.  ... View more

I hear you. Unfortunately, this is going to happen.    It sounds to me like you doing a great job. He is only a toddler. It is important to have rules and routines and follow through.     Children need to learn self discipline skills before they start school or they rarely do. By lecturing a parent takes that away. By reminding and redirecting you are giving them some of these skills. There will be time for both.    Now, how to stop your mum...You can listen and acknowledge her thoughts and experience.  You could even do lots of nodding and smiling.  Thank her for the suggestion and tell her you'll consider it. Then say you use it some of the time and your way the rest. She is still parenting you btw otherwise she wouldn't be telling you what to do. Funny isn't it. Maybe you could tell her that and ask her how it is working for her    Also I used to tell MIL that the doctor said blah blah blah. She just didn't know it was Dr Bill Sears, author and parenting expert on the internet. Never met but loved his books.    Good luck and keep up the good work.  ... View more

Oh my this must be hard.   I understand the concern for the son's feelings yet he is an adult and in reality it is none of his business. I know this is easier said than done as the dad doesn't want to ruin the relationship but technically the son's behaviour is holding him hostage. You partner is altering his behaviour to accommodate this.    Son needs to act like an adult, hear your apology, have right of reply and then stay out of it. He may not wish to forgive or interact with you but that's also his choice.  As two adults I am sure you can find a way to share his father's time.    Good luck. Hope you stay well. ... View more

Oh this is a big question. Within  learning by experience or instruction there are many branches of learning.    I personally learn mostly through instruction but also observation of other people's experiences. I love avoiding mistakes this way.    My son loves to learn through reading. He remembers nearly everything he reads and loves explicit instruction.    One daughter has always been a "Me do it!" kind of person. She can't be told anything by family however responds well to teachers and videos. She likes to teach herself stuff. The other daughter is a combo plus of both.    I see so many different approaches in my job but would avoid the word instruction most of the time. I use guidance, facilitation, showing...words that make it sound like a partnership. ... View more

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Teens are hard work, especially as a step parent.    Have you considered Headspace or maybe a GP referral?  There are some great writers out there on teen anxiety which leads to trauma and anger.  https://www.heysigmund.com/   I will think some more on this. Sending big hugs.  ... View more

Oh no how scary for you. I haven't much time but are you aware of the Carly Ryan Foundation? https://carlyryanfoundation.com/what-we-do ... View more

Hi @Teen15  It can be really hurtful when our children get angry, especially when it's aimed at us.  We only want the best for them, right?  I'm not sure if I can offer much as my kids tend to do the silent treatment when they are angry. @Janine-RO is so right about their emotions being very strong. It can help to remember that teens have similar brain growth to a toddler. If a toddler was having a melt down we'd give them a hug.  Not sure that could happen but I do find just a simple pat on the back can reset my son's feelings. I couldn't believe how effective touch was. He will also just come and lie on the bed next to me because he hates touch but knows it helps him. The middle girl won't let me touch her but she talks to her dad so that's ok. Also 15 yo boys are notorious for this type of behaviour then they turn 16 and can just suddenly change. The other thing we do is encourage them to go for a ride or walk - get out of the house. Not that they always will but we can hope.  A thought about excessive freedom, have you considered using a bartering technique? You know when you negotiate the price of something you always go to the extreme so you can meet in the middle. For example, I will turn of their device access to our modem for the whole day and they come back with what hours they need and when and we go from there.  And if it stuff we are not comfortable with we treat it like introducing solids (like weaning on to something) so if they want to be allowed to do something it might be under a strict time limit or check in process the first few times. A way to show they can be trusted to make good choices.  And we use that exact phrase 'good choices' as it promotes a positive negotiation.  It would be nice to know what 'excessive freedom' means for your family.  Hope things get better soon.  ... View more

It sounds like the whole family is suffering from the anger and animosity between your children. Some sibling rivalry is normal and even character building, but it sounds like your kids may need some intervention. Have you got a partner or strong adult to support you? Could you sit down with your teens (preferably separately so they don’t start a fight) to discuss the negative feelings and actions you have been witnessing? On a good day, mind you!  It might require a lot of fore planning and thinking. Be prepared for the backlash.  It’s important to remind your eldest he is actually an adult now and you might be expecting more adult actions from him. Don’t worry - this will take years. You could explain that you understand feeling frustrated and angry in response to various situations, but that you will not tolerate them engaging in constant battles and hateful fighting in your home. Maybe you could start a peace policy in your home, but I couldn’t do this because then that means I have to be peaceful 😊 You can let your kids know that anger is a reaction to hurt or fear. Acknowledging the underlying feelings is always more effective to diffuse anger than simply labelling the anger, which just seems to reinforce it. “I hear you're very angry at ________. I wonder if you're hurt that he called you a liar.” Try not to get dragged into the argument. Only engage when they are not being negative. Actually, with teens that might be a lot of the time. Hmmm It can help to have very clear expectations, chores and boundaries. For example, my kids are not allowed to use the word stupid or similar put downs. We don’t have family rules but values so we might say that a behaviour is helpful or kind and considerate. Means we can change the rules a bit without them realising because our values are the same. I can’t emphasise enough how well this has worked since they were very little. Values may include things like; honesty, kindness, helpful, respectful, trust etc. Have consequences and follow through on them. If your son isn’t contributing to the household bills – as an adult then he is relying on you for food, shelter, clothing, electricity, internet etc. Daughter too.  So, privileges can be outlined clearly, like using your power to charge his phone or internet to play games. Life sucks when you can’t find your phone charger… It helps if you explain clearly why the privileges have been lost and be prepared to negotiate. “This seems to be becoming a habit. I can’t allow people in our family to treat each other so disrespectfully, so if I see that again, there will be a consequence.” I am always prepared to negotiate.  I will ask how they are going to fix/repair the damage done. Maybe talk about the values they ignored. You mention that your son wants you to punish your daughter. What does he consider suitable consequence? Is he also aware that she isn’t responsible for his ‘friends’ horrible behaviour? Should he also be held accountable for his actions? Should they have a chat to the shared friend about breaching their trust (a value)? There are lots of behaviours described by you that theoretically could be punished.  Where would he draw the line? Continue to foster a strong relationship with both teens with one on one time. This can also be a good time to model how to react to conflict. You can remind them that they will be siblings and (hopefully) friends forever in a quiet way when they are on positive days not when they are in the middle of it. You can still empathise with both children and respect their feelings while disagreeing with their behaviour.  It can be very powerful to have someone say “I can see how upsetting that was for you…” Even more so if they can eventually bring themselves to say it to each other. There may never be an apology, but this comes a close second. They are entitled to their feelings but are still responsible for their actions. So, he is allowed to hate the boyfriend but why does he get to ban the boyfriend from the house?  That is a lot of power for a 19-year-old to have. If you are finding your son is a dominant force in the house, and believe me I know about that, maybe its time for you to get help reasserting yourself as the adult in charge. That’s a tough one. Once again it can help to focus on adult choices and actions. Maybe working on a big project together or volunteering could help them bond over something positive. After all that I can strongly recommend counselling. I have personally had success with EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing which is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories or PTSD. My psychologist uses it with ex service people. I have had a great turn around in my relationship with my eldest sister not that she was aware there was an issue. I just hated living in her shadow. Now I call her and chat with her freely and without feeling obligated as family. Apparently, they can even do it via online vid chats. I know this is heartbreaking to watch. Hopefully, you will see a slow change. Big hugs. ... View more

Yep routine is good. We all get up and get dressed, talk about our plans for the day - work, school or home. Fortunately, my kids are fairly self motivated and know what their chores are. They don't have access to the internet during meal preparation, eating or cleaning up after times. So they come out and automatically do their jobs. Lots of little things like that. Youngest girl does school work in the dining room so she can be monitored but she is also closer to her dad there and she likes that. Also the girls have chosen to have a media blackout on Covid 19. Our area is mildly affected and they trust we will tell them anything they have to know. The son devours all the stats each day but curiously that is his way of coping - having control. ... View more

Good for you trying to raise a child who is a responsible member of society. People do call it nagging and I think that is unfair after all would you have to nag if they did it straight away? If you like I could find you the research that shows people who are nagged are more intelligent and productive. I nearly put it on my fridge! My kids are expected to do certain chores everyday and help clean but they get to choose when. I ask for 15 mins a day e.g. folding laundry, vacuuming, dusting etc. Chores that are not negotiable are dishwasher/washing up, rubbish and cooking. Sometimes they do 45 mins one day and skip the next couple but because I ask for only 15 mins...15 mins!...they see it isn't an unreasonable request. If they get the job done in less time all the better. No they don't get incentives but they know they have a lot of privileges already and I am prepared to remove them. Internet and privacy are the big ones there. Keep up the good work. ... View more

Oh this is a big one! Sounds like there is a lot more going on between the lines.    I haven't got much time but will try to come back. Boys in early highschool can be very contrary then they can suddenly blossom.  Boys respond to praise, praise, praise. Describe every little thing he does that you value or admire.  "I like the way you asked your teacher about that problem. You're very good at finding solutions to these sorts of things. I like it when you apply yourself to your homework it makes my day so much easier..." Lay it on thick but try not to patronise.  You might find it sounds false or you are overdoing it but it becomes more natural. It might help to write down the behaviour you want to see and then some phrases you could use so you don't have to think on the spot.  Good luck.  ... View more

This is so hard and heartbreaking to think your child is lonely or struggling. It is ok for your boy to be alone - not lonely- but solo. Our's didn't prioritize friendships until senior years and still doesn't have a strong group of friends but we encourage him to be strong and happy to spend time with himself. At times, it worried him, but he can still fit in when needed and loves time to be alone as well. Remember, even loners can change the world. We did ensure he always had a handball or basketball to take to school and a book to read. We didn't push sports but it is important for boys to be part of some sort of team so ours did scouts where he learnt group skills but could still work at his own pace.  Ours is anxious and struggles with change but we did a lot of work on social expectations/etiquette, explaining the difference between shy and rude. It helps to know what the social routines are so they come automatically and boys can spare thinking for the big stuff. Everybody excels at something. Everybody needs to excel at something. So maybe you can find something that gives him joy or a feeling of success. Music? Art? Volunteering? Writing?  Animal Shelter? Kids want to feel valued not only by their families but by the greater community. This will help him find positive ways of building self-esteem and exploring self-identity. It gives him a topic of conversation and positives to build on.  Sorry I haven't got time for more but wish you luck. It does get better. We never imagined our son would be where he is today.  Big hugs. ... View more

Welcome to the forums! It sounds like you are ready to tear your hair out and you have tried everything. I wonder if the ADHD is actually linked to the lying and stealing or whether is exacerbates the behaviour – lack of impulse control. Tricky… Most kids lie or avoid telling the truth from time to time. It’s likely that your child is having trouble coping with challenges related to ADHD. Kids with ADHD might lie, not to get out of doing a task, but to hide that they’re struggling with the task. It’s a way of coping with challenges. And they may not even realize they’re doing it.  Their difficulties with starting tasks and planning them out makes it hard for them to do what’s asked. Kids with ADHD struggle with executive functions; - Connecting the now to the future - Thinking of, or remembering, consequences - Organization and time management - Understanding how they got to the place of lying to begin with - Understanding that it’s the lying that got them in trouble - Knowing how to fix the original problem Also, some kids with ADHD can be unrealistically optimistic. They may think everything will just fall into place on its own. It may help to anticipate areas your son might struggle and give help. Look for patterns in when your child lies so you can figure out where there may be trouble spots. Try not to take the lying personally. Focus on what led to the lie rather than the lie itself. Remove the shame of lying. Don’t excuse the lie but show that you understand how your child came to do it. You could say, “It sounds like you were struggling. Let’s figure out how you got to this place to begin with. Then let’s figure out how to get you back on track.” Help your child make connections. Talk about what happened and help your child recognize what went wrong. That includes what happened when your child lied. Try to focus on his strengths and give helpful types of praise when your child does positive things. As Dr Ian Lillico says, “The behaviour of boys should be modified through praise - never through sanction or punishment. Punishment may contain a boy’s behaviour but not modify it. Punishment can actually be a reward for a boy as this can secure his prestige in the eyes of his peers. We must endeavour to catch our son doing something right and praise him for it and (generally) try to ignore when he does things wrongly. Continually punishing or sanctioning boys can contain poor behaviour but won’t change the behaviour. If you really want your son to do things better you must contrive situations which enable him to do the right thing. This is the time to praise and encourage him. This brings long-term improvement. Many parents fall into the trap of continually chastising boys and punishing them when they misbehave. However, in order to have a less stressful family life, and to change his behaviour, we should concentrate on positive reinforcement when he excels at being good. Home rules written as negatives such as “No this or No that or Don’t this or Don’t that” should change to positives. For example rules such as “No chewing gum in the house” should become “Please place gum in the bin when you enter the house”. You can reinforce the second version by praising your son for putting his gum in the bin. Rules are of no value unless they can be reinforced through praise and a simple re-wording into positives can bring major change in a family of boys as their behaviour can then be modified. For example “We treat everyone in this family with respect - we do this by waiting our turn at mealtimes” etc etc. When your son does this well you reinforce the rule and modify his behaviour. Boys who misbehave can often become heroes in front of his immediate peers. Boys who are publically chastised both at home, in the neighborhood or at school, often have a high peer esteem and their poor behaviour often continues to give them feedback - even if we see it as negative. Boys should never be publically scolded as this tends to raise their peer esteem and, hence, their poor behaviour continues. Public reprimand also severs relationships between the scolder and scoldee as boys are shame-phobic and (if we inadvertently shame boys in front of their friends) we frequently do more harm than good. Let’s be mindful of boys’ feelings and chastise them without breaking their sensitive and delicate spirits.” I don’t agree with everything he says but it is something to strive for I suppose. He does work with ADHD children and will respond to most emails. The combination of ADHD with other disorders often presents extra challenges for children and parents. It is important for healthcare providers to screen other disorders and problems. In this case, you may wish to speak to your healthcare provider about Conduct Disorder, although it would be a mild case. Conduct disorder" refers to a group of repetitive and persistent behavioural and emotional problems in youngsters. Children and adolescents with this disorder have great difficulty following rules, respecting the rights of others, showing empathy, and behaving in a socially acceptable way. Children or adolescents with conduct disorder may - Be aggressive - bully, threaten or intimidate others - be mean to others - start physical fights - deliberately destroy other's property - break into someone else's building, house, or car - lie to obtain goods, or favours or to avoid obligations - steal Maybe he is anxious or has other learning problems as well. Something for the doctor to consider... Have you considered discussing fish oil supplements with your medical advisor? Research shows that omega supplements increase a low level of omegas in the blood. That can be somewhat helpful in treating ADHD symptoms. One study found that omega-3 helps neurons in the brain communicate better. That may improve attention, focus, motivation and working memory for kids with ADHD.  It is by no means meant to be a substitute for ADHD medication and cognitive behavioral therapy but maybe worthwhile. If the diet angle interests you then you might like Sue Dengate’s stuff. I don’t agree that ‘many’ children with ADHD respond to the diet, but it can save your sanity if it does work. https://www.fedup.com.au/factsheets/symptom-factsheets/adhd-and-diet   Good luck.  P.S. If you edit your post with a 'tag' that says ADHD it might get more interest from parents with similar issues. ... View more

Ooo this is a tough one.  How do you confront this behaviour without exposing your access? Can you pretend a sibling or friend revealed the defect to you? Just let it slip in conversation and you overheard?  Maybe you can just claim to be amazed at his confidence to sell things online as it is scary to think of possible repercussions with complete strangers. Something like you worry that he might have sold it to someone with anger issues/ stalker/ or who had used every last penny they had to buy the PS4. Maybe if you overplay it he might have feelings of remorse. Maybe you can go on and on about how you hope he did the right thing selling online...it's a wide world. The poor buyer.  Even if you can't get a positive result in this case maybe you can use his resale of an expensive gift to never buy him something expensive again. With an internal smile, you could claim he doesn't really appreciate them anyway, after all he sold the PS4 so you will stick to homebrand from now on. That might get a reaction! Let us know how it plays out. I am interested to know. We might all learn from this one. Good luck. ... View more

Dear @pinetruth  drugs are so scary, aren't they ?! I can imagine you are at your wits end on this one. It feel overwhelming. There is a growing assumption among teens that if marijuana is being legalised across the globe for adults, it can't be bad for you. We know that's not necessarily true. There are actually many reasons teens choose to begin smoking weed. Maybe you have family members who smoke or express approval of marijuana, research suggests that children are much more likely to begin using marijuana than those with no family involvement with the drug. Is there evidence or drug activity in your neighbourhood? Peer pressure to smoke pot remains a strong influence as well.  If they have friends who are using marijuana, they are more likely to try it themselves. There's a tendency to adopt the attitude that "everyone is doing it" and it's part of the normal teenage experience. But research shows that the majority of teens make it all the way through high school without ever using marijuana. Drug and alcohol use is often promoted in the magazines, social media, tv, movies etc. Those influences can be significant for children. I am amazed at how many current ‘binge worthy’ shows depict regular use of pot. It’s one of the reasons I try to watch what my children watch as it can really desensitise them to the issues. Many teens turn to marijuana in an effort to self-medicate, to make themselves feel better. They use marijuana to try to cope with depression, anxiety, and anger. Teens can also begin using weed as an escape. Boredom is one of the main reasons some teens use marijuana. Do any of these sound like your son? Hit him with the facts so he can make an informed choice. While cannabis can be relatively safe and therapeutic for adults when used responsibly, its hazards -- particularly for young people -- are real. The brain is still taking shape well into the 20s, with the prefrontal cortex -- the region involved in decision-making, planning, problem-solving, and controlling impulses -- developing last. Using marijuana during the teens can affect development, research suggests. The marijuana that teens can use today is far more potent than what was around a generation ago. With the advent of edibles and marijuana concentrates potency can get even higher, likely boosting the risk of bad effects. 9% of people who experiment with marijuana become dependent. This rises to 17% among those who start using it as teens, and 25% to 50% for teens who smoke daily. OMG kids don’t get this statistic, do they? The main active chemical in marijuana is THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol). This can cause unwanted side effects, including: - trouble thinking and problem solving - problems with memory and learning - loss of coordination - distorted perception These side effects are temporary, but they can make it dangerous to do things like drive while under the influence of marijuana. People also might notice other short-term side effects of using marijuana, such as: - an increased appetite - feeling lightheaded or drowsy - a decrease in inhibitions Research has found that people who use marijuana over a long period of time can have more lasting side effects. For example: Changes in the brain. Marijuana can affect the parts of the brain that play a role in our ability to remember, multitask, and pay attention. Fertility issues. Animal studies suggest that using a lot of marijuana might be linked to decreased sperm count in men and delayed ovulation in women. Respiratory problems. People who smoke marijuana a lot can develop problems with the respiratory system — like more mucus, a chronic cough, and bronchitis. Immune system problems. Using marijuana a lot might make it harder for the body to fight off infections. Emotional problems. People who use a lot of marijuana are more likely to say they notice signs of depression or anxiety. If someone has a condition like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, marijuana can sometimes make symptoms worse. Remember nobody is to blame for your son trying pot. Have a plan for your position and consequences for drug use. Try to focus on the issue at hand – that you don’t want your son using drugs. Be honest – but be sure they know you don’t want them using. Kids are great at finding grey areas!! Expect anger and resolve to remain calm. He will be uncomfortable about discussing this issue as well. It can help to plan ahead about how you’ll handle an angry or resentful reaction from your son. Be prepared. Don’t forget to tell your son that you love him, and this is why you’re concerned. Set a Realistic Goal. Things will go more smoothly if you have a desired outcome in mind. It’s OK to keep expectations low, like simply expressing that you don’t want him to use. Set a small goal and move toward it, one step at a time. Before the conversation starts, think through which rules you would like to put in place, and what the consequences of breaking them will be. Rules provide a definite way to let your son understand what’s expected of him. If you’re a parent who feels bad about setting limits, remember that deep down, your child actually wants them. Rules mean that you care about your son and his safety. And consequences actually help – not hurt them. A firm consequence, such as getting grounded or having to give up a fun privilege, will remind him of what not to do in the future. Listen to your son’s feedback and let him help negotiate rules and consequences. Only set rules you can enforce. Positive reinforcement is a motivating factor in all our lives. We are more likely to repeat a behaviour when it makes us feel good. Drugs can tempt teens because they solve a problem, although in an unhealthy way, like boredom, fitting in, anxiety etc. You can become part of the solution by using more positives and praise. Boys in particular respond well to descriptive praise. Some positive behaviours you can reinforce or praise are - looking for a job, being home on time, helping with household chores, speaking in a respectful way, doing homework, assisting another family member or friend with a problem, returning phone calls/text messages promptly etc. Acknowledge all the small steps along the way. Catch him doing good every time you can. Examples of reinforcers: - a hug - a smile - a shoulder rub - a thoughtful text message - a kind word/compliment or praise. - time spent together in a favourite activity. - assisting with chores - teaching a skill like how to drive - making a favourite breakfast, snack, dinner or dessert - gift cards - small items - concert or sports tickets It can also help to ask your son for input on what reinforcers he’d like. They may be very different however, they shouldn’t be expensive unless your celebrating a huge milestone. By acknowledging respectable behaviour, you are helping to link a behaviour you want to encourage with a positive outcome. Doing this repeatedly will help your teen recognise that there is value in acting this way. Over time, he will learn that there are other ways to “feel good” besides using substances, which can lead to less substance use or even abstinence. You may feel awkward doing this at first, but it becomes second nature after a while. Your kindness and compassion will inspire a positive and warm feeling reinforce their belief that they are capable of feeling good from means other than using substances. Good luck. ... View more

It sounds like you are all struggling with your son’s anxiety. It can be very confronting. I wonder if a full medical check would help at this stage. Just to confirm there are no other issues. We also experimented with the “Fed Up” eating suggestions of Sue Dengate which really helped. As for school refusal, there are other options available to him at this stage. His school should be able to outline these for him. Even if it means he only goes for Math and English and does other stuff online for a while. Just like weaning off things it can really help to do this in reverse to build ourselves up. Afterall, if he was on workers comp they wouldn’t expect him to return to work full time at first. Even though screen time relaxes him it will be important for him to have screen free time as well. Just standing on the grass barefoot for a while can be helpful. Make him feel useful around the house or maybe get him volunteering. If he isn’t going to school is it really ok for him to sit at home all day on the computer/phone etc? These are things you can negotiate and compromise on as a family. If he isn’t going to school, what is he going to commit to, to get better? I suppose I am suggesting a gentle give and take here. If he won’t go to therapy than you can go and be coached in ways to help. Or you could try Reachout’s coaching service. I have just finished reading a great article by Karen Young, Anxiety in Teens – How to Help a Teenager Deal With. http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/ It is very long so I will paraphrase it for you here. Anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with strength, character or courage. People with anxiety will be some of the strongest, most likable, bravest people any of us will know. Anxiety and courage always exist together. Courage doesn’t mean you never get scared – if you’re not scared, there’s no need to be brave. Anxiety happens because your brain thinks there might be danger, even when there is no danger at all.  On average, about 1 in 5 young people have anxiety. Anxiety doesn’t define you. It’s a feeling – it will come, but it will always go, and it’s as human as having a heartbeat. Understanding why anxiety feels the way it does will be one of your greatest tools in managing it. Imagine being in a dark room that is full of ‘stuff’. When you walk around in the dark, you’re going to bump into things. You’re going to scrape, bruise and maybe drop a few choice words. Turn on the light though, and those things are still there, but now you can navigate your way around them. No more bumps. No more scrapes. And no more having to hold your tongue in front of people who can confiscate your phone. Anxiety happens because a part of your brain (the amygdala) thinks there might be something it needs to protect you from. When this happens, it surges your body with a mix of neurochemicals (including oxygen, hormones and adrenaline), designed to make you stronger, faster, more alert and more powerful so you can fight for your life or run for it. This is the fight or flight response. It’s normal and healthy and it’s in everyone. In people with anxiety, it’s just a little quicker to activate. The amygdala acts on impulse. It’s a do-er, not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought. It just wants to keep you safe, because safe is a lovely thing to be and because that’s been its job since the beginning of humans. The amygdala can’t always tell the difference between something that might hurt you (like a baseball coming at your head) and something that won’t (like walking into a party) – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is keep you safe.  Here’s the powerful secret: Your amygdala will ALWAYS listen to you. It wants you to be brave – but you will need to be the boss. When there’s nothing to flee or nothing to fight, there’s nothing to burn the neurochemical fuel that is surging through you. The fuel builds up and that’s why anxiety feels the way it does. Here are some ways to manage anxiety by strengthening the structure and function of your brain in ways that protect it against anxiety. Remember though, the brain is like any other muscle in your body – it will get stronger with practice. Mindfulness - changes the brain the way exercise changes our body, can improve concentration, academic performance, the ability to focus, and it can help with stress and depression. It also increases gray matter. Reachout has some great apps for this. Yoga combine exercise and mindfulness. Breathe Food - You’ve gotta look after your belly – increasingly researchers are thinking that an unhappy belly can make an unhappy brain sending funky messages back to your brain. Be kind to yourself. Anxiety is something that happens, not something you are. Negative thoughts can be very invasive and resilient. They won’t ease by telling your son not to think them, not to worry about them, not to listen to them, or by arguing about the rightness or wrongness of those thoughts. Karen Young does this with anxious people. Do NOT to think of pink elephants. Whatever you do, don’t think of pink elephants. Do NOT think of pink elephants with big sunglasses and fluffy pink coats and shiny pink leggings. Do not think of pink elephants. Seriously! Stop! Don’t think of pink elephants. Have you stopped thinking of pink elephants yet? You know, the ones in the coats and the leggings – the pink ones? Now … think of blue monkeys. Imagine big, fluffy, friendly, blue monkeys swinging from vine to vine. Imagine blue monkeys everywhere. Imagine big huddles of blue monkeys eating banana bread, telling jokes and laughing so hard they fall on their fluffy blue bottoms. Dark blue, light blue, middle blue – so many blue monkeys.  What’s happened to your pink elephants now?’ Our brain can hold only so many thoughts. The more negative thoughts there are, the less positive ones there will be. Children need to understand that they have a lot of power in controlling which thoughts take up their ‘thinking space’. If they think more positive, strong, brave thoughts, eventually negative thoughts be squeezed out of business. This will take lots of practice. It’s important that all teens understand the power they have to change and strengthen their brain. This starts with knowing that it’s possible. ‘Every thought, feeling and action creates a pathway in your brain. These pathways are important because it’s how the information travels from one part of the brain to the other. Whenever you do something over and over, that pathway becomes stronger and stronger. The stronger the pathway, the stronger that part of your brain, and the easier that behaviour, thought or feeling will be. When you think brave, strong thoughts, ‘I can do that’, or ‘whatever happens I’ll be okay,’ those thoughts form a pathway. The more you think those thoughts, the more real they’ll feel. This is also the way for anxious thoughts. The more you think anxious thoughts, the more anxious thoughts you’ll think – so it’s important to think strong, brave thoughts whenever you can. Some research has found that writing down negative thoughts, ripping them up and throwing them away makes it easier not to think about them. Even better, writing positive thoughts down on paper, and then putting the paper in a pocket to keep the thoughts safe, makes those thoughts more influential.   Conversations on replacing negative thinking with strong thinking have to happen during times of calm. An anxious brain is a busy brain, and laser focussed on staying safe. Assuring anxious kiddos in the midst of anxiety that there is nothing to worry about won’t help. The truth is that they are worried, and something doesn’t feel right. To an anxious brain, the only reason you aren’t worried is because you don’t get it. This can escalate feelings of helplessness and fear. The more you argue that they’re okay, the more they’ll argue back. An anxious brain is a strong brain, and it will defend its fears and anxious thoughts as hard as it needs to. The good news is that as strong as their anxious thoughts might be, your child will always be stronger. The trick is getting them to realise this, but there will be time for that when the anxiety has passed. In the midst of anxiety, what kids need is to know that you’re on their team, and you get it. Research has found that gratitude can increase our tendency to recall positive memories. Positive memories will lead to positive thoughts. Encouraging a regular gratitude practice will help to strengthen the tendency to recall positive memories, which will in turn help to tilt thinking towards the positive. Our kids need to understand the importance of their thoughts. Brave thoughts make you feel brave. Coping thoughts will help you cope. Worrying thoughts make you feel anxious.  And we all have everything we need inside them to be brave, strong, and happy. You can do this. Big hugs and let us know how it is going.  ... View more

Dear @WAMUM  I am glad you found us. Welcome.  You really sound like you are heavily involved in your daughter's life and trying your best to create a safe and happy family space.    It sounds like you have been through the wringer trying to work out diagnosis and treatment for your daughter. Unfortunately, trauma can be a precursor for so many anti social disorders and it seems to make professionals avoid labelling the issue.  Most of the time therapy is the only treatment available for a while and I assume medication isn't available or desired. Having said that, not all therapy/therapists are equal. Do you need to consider other treatments like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or EMDR? I'm not sure. Maybe you have. Wouldn't it be nice to have a quick fix?    With Triple P did you do positive parenting strategies? Teens do respond to positive rather than reactive discipline and you might like to google that.    I have to rush off but just wanted to let you know you have been heard. Will tag some other great parents  @PapaBill  @Dad4good @Faob_1 @sunflowermom @compassion    Big hugs ... View more

Actually, I'm a big believer and allowing my kids to be bored so this isn't a big topic for me. If they complain they get another job which is a win for me and if they're inventive there can be some fun things done. I have now had my first manicure in ...like...ever and am trying to teach the youngest to crochet for animal victims of the bushfires. Another win for me.  I always have a limit on screen time however they are allowed message friends most of the time. I use the parental controls on the modem to help with this, especially at night. I love the holidays with no routines and no expectations.  ... View more

I would add. Take a break if you have to. Sometimes this can make it better. ... View more

Dear @Adorable80  How are you going? It sounds like you feel very isolated and unappreciated at the moment. Children can be very challenging at the best of times and it is even harder when our partners aren't able to share the load. Your husband may just find it easier to deny the problem with your son. He may find it confronting that his child is not perfect. I wonder if he would respond differently if other family members or friends told him the problem, especially if they were male. Sometimes those outside the issue have a better picture anyway.   There is a great article Behaviour management for boys By Ian Lillico, who is a boy whisperer, I reckon. He says; The behaviour of boys should be modified through praise - never through sanction or punishment. Punishment may contain a boy’s behaviour but not modify it. Punishment can actually be a reward for a boy as this can secure his prestige in the eyes of his peers. We must endeavour to catch them doing the right (nearly right) thing and try to ignore when he does things wrongly. Many parents fall into the trap of continually chastising boys and punishing them when they misbehave. However, in order to have a less stressful family life, and to change his behaviour, we should concentrate on positive reinforcement when he excels at being good.   Boys who misbehave can often become heroes in front of his immediate peers. Boys who are publicly chastised both at home, in the neighbourhood or at school, often have a high peer esteem and their poor behaviour often continues to give them feedback - even if we see it as negative. Boys should never be publicly scolded as this tends to raise their peer esteem and, hence, their poor behaviour continues. Public reprimand also severs relationships between the scolder and scoldee as boys are shame-phobic.   When it comes to boys, consistency and kindness are your best weapons.    As I have said in other posts it is important to prepare for what you want to do. Read, talk, observe information that is relevant. Make a plan (with your partner if possible) and pick a date when you think you will find it the easiest to address your concerns and make a plan with your son. This will also give you time to practise what you want to say, maybe write it down and phrase it in a positive manner. Set realistic, short term goals and be prepared to negotiate. Take time to ensure that you are strong enough to deal with whatever comes next.  It might help to keep in mind your husband is also male so he will respond to positives as well. Maybe you can put him in charge or (predetermined) rewards or praise. Nothing over the top but along the lines of, "Your mother tells me you were great at...today. Well done." That way you are all involved and your husband might start to notice when you have nothing good to report although as Lillico suggests it is important to find 'something' worth praising in the early stages.    Good luck and big hugs. ... View more

Just quickly, you might find this post of interest. https://forums.parents.au.reachout.com/t5/Everyday-parenting/When-a-kid-should-complain-to-a-teacher/m-p/13393 Big hugs. ... View more

OOO this is a tricky one. I wonder if your husband is more concerned about the maternal connection being stronger than the couple one? Many biological dads wouldn't have a concern about your sons lying on the bed with you to watch TV and I get why a step parent may struggle with this, especially if he doesn't have bio children of his own. If he doesn't have his own children he may not have experienced the loss of personal space and privacy that most parents do. I reckon this is only understood through experience myself. It's hard to explain how you just give up some of those rights for a while. Is he still getting used to the step parenting role?   Also, he may have been raised in a family that kept similar boundaries. I never went into my parents bedroom without an invitation or an early morning  coffee offering :) and our kids don't come into ours often either. Not that it is off limits just there are plenty of other spaces to connect.    Your husband does have a right to a personal space. I imagine he doesn't often wander into the kids rooms or bathroom. As a step parent he has to be much more mindful of all these privacy concerns than we realise. It might really worry him. And maybe he's like my Mum and finds personal affection, or certain types of,  awkward.    I figure it is important for you to find a compromise that respects both sets of feelings and opinions.  Maybe you can keep what you are doing on the alternate weekends with some definite expectations of the kids in place that appease hubby's discomfort. Maybe put a couple of bean bags on the bed to make it seem like a more lounge room setting or use lots of cushions. I'm not sure if there is a solution but I reckon there is probably a real reason for hubby's position, even if it is old fashioned or unreasonable to you. He is the newish person in the family so it might take him a while to feel comfortable to express deep emotions about parenting.   It's great that you are trying to consider everyone's feelings just sometime impossible. Good luck. ... View more

Big hugs @lookingforhlp28 @it sounds like you have been through the wringer with these girls. It’s so hard when parents aren’t on the same page either.  Maybe at this stage it’s best if you do take a step back and look after you. Keep the lines open and keep your boundaries. You don’t have to say “no” to them just be firm about your expectations and limits in a loving way.  It might also help that when they aren’t living with you to cut back on all privileges you provide.  Honestly, I need to think about this more but just wanted to let you know you’ve been heard and I’m thinking of you. Take care.  ... View more