Hi @Mum2017, you sound so distraught and I'm sorry you and your son are going through this. It can be incredibly upsetting not knowing the right move to make when our kids have lost their way.
It also hurts when they are treating us with contempt, and I hear your frustration at having to pay your son's fine because he doesn't have the means to. With mine I always took that attitude she gave me as 'she just doesn't care', and as you say, had no remorse. I found it frustrating because not being sorry doesn't leave me much to work with. Our case worker taught me though that if she didn't care, she wouldn't get angry or take it out on me. She was that way towards me because she was feeling sorry or guilty, but she didn't know how to deal with that appropriately. It doesn't excuse the behaviour or the language they choose, but I just hoped to give you a different perspective on it. And knowing that helped me to realise there was actually a lot to work with. Within that I could find hope.
Do you feel a huge fine like that deserves some consequence? I'm not sure what that would look like, but if you're interested we could do some brainstorming. It's 100% up to you, and I completely respect your decision.
If my daughter's being rude or nasty, I'll tell her how it makes me feel, using the 'I' statements. For example instead of saying 'you really hurt me by saying that', I'll say 'I feel really hurt when you say that'. That way we're letting them know we're hurt or upset or whatever it may be, but we're not placing blame which usually results in conflict. It's a very non-confrontational way of communicating.
Have you considered the parent coaching through ReachOut? I plug it a lot, not just as a parent peer supporter, but mainly as a parent. I made use of the coaching earlier this year and want everyone to benefit from it! The coach works with your strengths as a parent (of which we have many by the way!), gives practical suggestions to try straight away, and coaching is flexible and free. You can find the link here if you'd like to find out more.
I apologise if you've been asked already, but what do you do to look after you? Do you have something that is your go to, to unwind and destress? We need to remember 'me' otherwise we find ourselves trying to run on empty, which isn't sustainable.
I hope you've had a relatively peaceful few days.
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I'm like you @Ngaio-RO, I'm up very late most nights. That began so I had some alone time in the day, and has continued even though my daughter is up until 1-2am. She has trouble getting to sleep but will then sleep until midday. Luckily distance ed work can be completed at any time of the day - or night!
I can be up until the early hours, and I'm usually up around 10, but it catches up with me and one night a week I get to bed before midnight.
So I reckon my daughter gets about 10 hours a night. I probably get 5-7, but would love more. Night time is when it's quiet and I can write without being disturbed though...
5am - in my world that's a swear word! That's the time I get up for a pee and am so grateful to get back into my warm bed for a few more hours.
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