I want to address a few elements of you nice people comments
I also want this post stream to stay on the subject rather than deviate too far!
Once these points have been addressed lets please return to the original topic!
And stick to that original question!
Replies to certain aspects of people's advice.
From Papa Bill “With respect to "Take away all the toy plastic swords and blade form him" I have always thought this doesn't make sense. The world is full of sticks and boys have been using sticks as pretend swords since the bronze age.”
An imagined stick can be anything from one moment to the next,
In general have no problems with children imagining a sword to play with.
I draw a distinct difference between playing at having a sword created from a personal imagination,
And a toy that is clearly a sword and nothing else.
Normally I have no issue with toy swords, but in my son's case, I have made an exception.
Because he is not using the plastic sword to pretend to slay dragons and orcs.
(The way he uses too)
He is was
(I might secretly still be)
Using knives and pretend knife to stab bits of scrap and cardboard boxes over and over again in an enraged negative way!
From Papa Bill
Unfortunately, bullying is always going to happen to a certain extent in our world.
You mention your fears of bullying .. what is actually happening to your son?
We are talking about a level of bullying that has made my son make Video Suicide notes!
(That we accidentally found!)
<It might be worth also noting that we are Roman Catholic. I am not saying suicide is any less painful for other families in any way. But it is still worth mentioning for those who might want to consider that if such a thing ever happened, we would not be permitted certain religious rites for our son and that would not make the situation any easier for us!>
We are not talking just run of the mill schoolyard stuff.
He is being isolated and systematically targeted by a large group.
I strongly suspect this started in earnest when he innocently mentions pacifism as a family lifestyle choice.
Obviously, the school is been made fully aware,
So have the police and social services.
He is receiving counselling regularly.
But guess what,
Surprise! Surprise! The system is failing us,
(As it usually does in these sorts of cases)
And official options are limited.
I do not want to resort to homeschooling because I think both his educational social skill development would suffer as a result.
But that is a whole different topic altogether!
But I want this post stream to stay on the subject rather than deviate too far!
SO let’s please stay on topic and stick the original question!
From Papa Bill
I know I have had to come to terms with my father who was believed as long as he put food on the table and hurt the kids regularly that made a good father.
My personal experience is, unfortunately, a bit darker.
My genetic father
(NOT nice man who later married my Mum. who I took the name of much later!)
Was not just “old fashioned” and merely “out of date”.
He was (as far I aI know still is) a violent Sadistic misogynist that likes hurting women and either did not care (or possibly delighted more) when the mother's children witnessed his cruelty.
When I described my own demons, I really mean phycological Demons, not just unpleasant memories.
I still suffer some serious mental health issues at 46!
I so, very nearly became the same sort of so-called “man” myself!
And that is as much as I am comfortable writing about that!
So I will just leave it there.
This post is not really about me,
It is about my Son.
So Again I ask,
Let us please stay on topic and stick the original question!
And whether my pushing of Pacifism might end up doing him more harm than good in this sort of area we live in.
FOR REF: OUR AREA!
(Yes, there is plenty of far worse places the world, like USA city, ghetto <as depicted in the media> But it is still pretty dam awful!)
(5 food banks but only 1 Costa coffee. )
(For the economic reasons, moving is unfortunately NOT an option!)
I am not saying everyone here is a bad person,
But I imagine being a pacifist in a wealthy suburb gets a very different reaction than we get here!
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! . I need some parental advice. . Due to a very early unpleasant childhood and some mistakes I made as a late teen that involve violence, . I have been hammering into my two kids, pacifist (non-violent) values. . I have always tried very hard not to be “That sort” of Toxic Scary Alpha Male Dad. . I have tried to be the exact opposite of my Genetic Father! (Who even now I burningly ‘dislike intensely’) . But I am now worried this might have been a mistake. . We live in a fairly rough far nth eat UK seaside town. . (If you are American then think the film Billy Elliot but by the sea, and you would not be that far wrong!) . It is a slightly socially backward place (I can not think of a more polite way to put it!) . So obviously my son has always had some bullying, to an extent I always excepted that might happen. . It has gotten so extreme that he has had suicidal thoughts and is needing counselling. . In the last year, more and more often he has been getting more interested in sharps. . I am NOT happy with that! . I tried a two-prong approach, . 1) Take away all the toy plastic swords and blade form him. . 2) Buy him a proper wood knife for Christmas, that he can only use in the woods. (I hide it from him the rest of the time) At try and teach him to see it a practical woodsman's tool rather than a glamorised weapon . I am worried that neither is working! . I am starting to doubt my whole pacifist upbringing idea. . Maybe I have let my own ‘personal demons’ make me make the wrong parental choice. . Maybe I was asking too much of child to ‘shoehorn’ my own world view. . Maybe (especially in this sort of area he is growing up in) Just having normal childhood punch ups, is actually far more healthy and win or lose would defuse the natural “Rising sap” in this system. . This is starting to sound very much like the sort of “Boys will be Boys” bull**bleep** I actively hate! . BUT! I would much rather he got into more normal healthy fights even at the expense of school than him becoming the sort of loner that snaps! . He will not be a mere child forever. . I am not going to be able in any practical sense stop a 16-year-old from secretly getting and carrying a potential dangerous object. . And by 18 Ill have even less practical option if any at all! And that is only 4 years away! . Violent crime is a major problem! . People die! . And I am not so delusional and self-possessed to think “That would never be my child” . My wife is adamant that I am just being stupid, and that I am, . a) Overreacting. . And . b) You should never teach or condone violence < It is what attracted us to each other, > . But although she is in a larger sense far smarter than I am, she is far less prone to think flexibly and consider all options as I am as well. . I addition her childhood has been fairly idyllic and sheltered and I am not really convinced she really knows how ‘some’ of the real world works. . Any thoughts or suggestions out there? . Is my wife right or should I be worried? . Should I be doubting myself like this? (It’s hard not to when you see your son so upset so often.) . ! PS (Update 22dn May) Just to clarify the age, He is 14 Quote from my post. "And by 18 Ill have even less practical option if any at all! And that is only 4 years away!"
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