Hi, I'm new here and actually new to anything like this so my apologies if I don't follow typical format. I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for, but I need to say it to someone so thought I would try here. I'm not from Australia, actually am from the states, but after searching for a good spot for my vent and reading some of your posts I felt this was the best fit. I'm actually copying this from a journal I just started so please excuse the format. Any words of advice/encouragement would be very much appreciated. I'm tired. I don't know where to start. How do you care for yourself when you feel broken.. broke down - how do you when everyone around you sucks the life out of you. I love my kids and my husband more then the air I breathe, but I dont know how to give them what they need. I completely understand teenagers do dumb stuff.. I was the queen of it. But the non-stop BS is breaking me down. Let's start with my youngest. She has been to hell and back.. and I've been on that ride right along with her. Being sexually abused at 13 and the years of dealing with the aftermath has taken its tole on her. She went through some pretty heavy depression. We've had her in therapy throughout and have even medicated... even though I'm not a fan of that. She turned to self medicating (marijuana) and at one point attempted suicide. We had her put on a psychiatric hold. Months pass many therapy appointments a high - intensity out patient program. Start feeling like things are going better and we catch her smoking AGAIN. Back and forth again between treatment and therapy. She stays clean and then she doesn't. I punish her but quite obviously not enough. I give in because I just want to see her happy again after years of depression. I want her to have a normal life. But she goes right back. I punish her but then worry about her depression and potentially hurting herself. What do I do? It actually enters my mind just to just let her smoke. Would that be easier, would that solve her anxiety and depression? Or will that lead her down the path of so many others in our family... drug abuse, alchoholism, and/or suicide. I don't want to be trusted with this anymore. I don't want to feel like their lives are in my hands based on how I handle this. And that thought makes me feel like a horrible mom. That and the fact that I just want to run. Then there is my niece. She has been with us off and on for many years. probably since she was about 11 or 12. permanently for the past 3 after my sister suicided. There is alot to talk about with that topic, but I'm not ready for that chapter yet. So back to my niece... We took her from my sister's home once things started getting really bad there. I wanted at first to help get their family in a better place, but it soon became just trying to save her and her brother from it. (He lived with his grandma, who is great, but I have a whole other set of guilt for that). Anyways back to my niece... She basically followed suit with my daughter... started self-medicating, got in trouble, attempted suicide. Went to treatment and now is breaking rules again. Not smoking as far as I know, but drinking and hanging with friends who she is not allowed. They both completely disregard my rules and although they are not disrespectful to my face they will blatently lie right to it. Am I supposed to chalk this up to them being teenagers and ultimately not take it personal? Because I dont think I can do that. How do I not take it personal when I have spent the last 23 years of my life living for them? I had my oldest daughter when I was 16 she became my world and I do not regret it for one second... I don't regret any of them or the sacrifices I've made for them. But I cannot help but feel hurt when they turn around and do this. I'm thankful that my oldest daughter has gotten her life together (she recently completed her bachelors degree and moved to Chicago for a job). She really was easy in comparison, which is saying something considering how old I was when I had her. Don't get me wrong... she had her moments and we DEFINITELY bump heads from time to time, but its not anything out of the ordinary ... I dont think anyway. I really am not sure what ordinary is. Then there's my son, my second oldest. He also was easy in comparison although his temper and outbursts have pushed my limits. He's 18 now and trying to figure out next steps and a big part of me feels like I've let him down because I've been so pre-occupied with the girls. Lot's of guilt there. Then there is my other half, although he has been there through all of this it feels like he has been more of a spectator than a participant or teammate. I have alot of resentment towards him for that and it has severely impacted our marriage. I feel like I have to handle everything in our life. I was the one who went to school so I could get a decent job to support us and while he has always worked it has been for minimal money and also with several layoffs... with me being the one to pickup the slack. It has always felt like no matter how hard I work to get us ahead and in a better spot something happens that drops us back on our behinds. Usually stemming from either something stupid he's done ( tax issues, unnecessary spending, missed bills etc.) or losing his job. And while part of me can't fault him for losing his job, a big part of me does because he could have tried to put himself in a better position to support our family just like I did - but he chose not to. No matter how many times I pleaded with him to go get your GED, go learn a trade, do something... but no, he chose to take the comfortable route and stay in a dying career that barely pays the bills. Now with our entire life in the air I'm left to deal with the kids, provide for everyone, deal with a job that I'm starting to hate while he is home (laid off again) not doing much of anything around the house unless I complain about it, and letting me manage everything with the kids (he does give rides to appointments.. but that's mainly because I got in trouble at work for taking so much time off to do that). This seriously feels like I'm exaggerating, but not even close... I truly wish I was. I'm seriously at a loss. Is this really what my life has amounted to? This is it? What I've worked for? I don't know whether i should laugh or cry.
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