Hi everyone.This is a long post so I'm grateful to anyone who reads it. I am looking for some advice about my sister-in-law and her daughter.   To put it simply their constant aggression is having a huge impact on my wife who is struggling with her mental health right now. It is also influencing my son's behaviour which I'm very concerned about.   To give you an idea about the relationship my wife has with her sister, my wife is the eldest of the 2 and has basically helped her sister all her life whether it be seeking professional help when her sister was an alcoholic (she's been sober for 9 years now), being present at the birth of her daughter and subsequently picking up the pieces when the father disappeared off the scene before the child's 1st birthday to generally managing her day to day life whilst constantly running around for her because she can't drive herself.   But then we had our own child 4 years ago and my wife naturally couldn't be around to help her sister as much and I think it's put a strain on their relationship. She still goes above and beyond for both of them but it's almost as if her sister resents her for having a 'normal' life with a husband and a job etc and nothing my wife does is enough.   Her sister can get aggressive very quickly and has a habit of falling out with her friends. She's fell out with my wife numerous times where she would storm out of our house or out of my wife's car over the smallest of disagreements. A couple of years ago it got really bad when I had to work away and her sister offered to stay in our house to support my wife who was having some anxiety problems. My wife face timed me and showed me cuts on her face and neck saying her sister just attacked her and stormed out with her daughter in tow who was hysterical. This always happens in front of her daughter and I think these outbursts have turned her into an angry child.   Her daughter is 6 and is quite difficult and awkward to be around a lot of the time. She is very aggressive when she plays, has random screaming outbursts, hisses or makes animal noises at people and has been known to bully our son when they are together. Our house is generally very loud and chaotic when they are there compared to when other friends or family are around. But weirdly she's a lot more calm and well behaved when she's not with her mother as if she knows she can't get away with most things that she usually would with her mother there.   I've never taken sides when they've fallen out even though I should have before now but after the most recent altercation I feel like I need to intervene and tell my sister in law exactly how I feel about it all because she has gone too far.   A few days ago I came home and the four of them were watching tv. I soon went out to grab some food for tea whilst my wife set the table. I get home 10 minutes later and my wife is in tears telling me that her sister has just stormed out after she lost her mind over the plates my wife had set for the kids. Because they weren't matching plates my son had a bit of a cry (as 4 year olds do sometimes) about him not having the same plate as his cousin so my wife simply replaced both plates with a matching pair whilst in the middle of a conversation and thought noting of it. Her sister immediately accused my wife of 'punishing' her daughter by swapping both plates and got pretty aggressive very quickly. This over reaction then encourages her daughter to start screaming at the top of her lungs and throw a toy at my wife. Within seconds they were both storming out of the house whilst my wife was being called all sorts of insults and was punched by her niece before they left. My wife looked completely shell shocked when I got home and said her ears were ringing from her niece's screaming. This all happened in front of my son too.   She then gets a text off her sister saying her daughter said she never wants to see my wife again and that she has been horrible to her daughter for years. She even accused my wife of being the one that physically attacked her during the time I was working away. For me this is totally unfair because all I have seen over the years is my wife being the only one who takes care of both of them whenever they've needed anything whilst the rest of her family do nothing.   What makes it worse is that this has happened whilst my wife has been going through some serious mental health problems. She was diagnosed with acute health anxiety about 6 years ago due to the suppressed grief of losing of her mother 21 years ago. She has been coping well but had a relapse after catching covid. She's been gradually getting back to herself but this altercation has set her back a bit.    It's also affecting my son's behaviour. We try our best to bring him up to be a kind and caring boy but it's hard when he sees so much anger and aggression from the sibling he spends the most time with. He has worryingly become more aggressive lately and has started hissing at people the way his cousin does.   So what do I do? I've already told my wife that her sister isn't welcome in our house again unless she apologises. Do I tell her sister exactly what I think of her treatment of my wife and about her daughters aggression. She will probably not respond to it well and it could create more damage for my wife.   I just want to make sure that my wife gets better and that she isn't constantly put under this emotional stress by her sister.   Thanks you for any advice.  ... View more

Hi everyone. I'm looking for a little advice and just another perspective on my young son's development. Sorry that this is a long post but I thought it best to explain the situation fully and give examples.   Anyway, to put it bluntly I feel that my wife is spoiling our son too much and I am worried that he is starting to learn bad habits when it comes to getting his own way and how he deals with being told no.   Now before I go on I should say that my wife is an amazing mum and like any mum she puts the welfare of our son above anything else and will do anything for him. But I think that her natural instincts to make him happy and take care of him are also making her pander to him too much and it is a common cause of arguments between us.   Our son is coming up to his 3rd birthday so is well into his terrible two's and is having his normal tantrums that a two year old has. He is a lovely boy who is generally always smiling and happy and all my family adore him. But the way his demeanour suddenly changes when we say no to him is worrying me . He will be the happiest child on earth then as soon as he doesn't get his own way he will stamp his feet, scream his head off and cry his eyes out until he gets it. I know that this is probably normal behaviour for a 2 year old but it's becoming more drastic and it's how my wife deals with it that I am at odds with.   I'd say 8 times out of 10 she will eventually give into him and give him what he wants and I think she is giving him the wrong message. I think that we need to be consistent and let him cry it out so that he learns that tantrums won't get him anything but my wife sees this as me wanting to punish him and we generally argue about it. She always says we should pick our battles with him and that she knows what she is doing. It's now gotten to the point where i just don't say anything as I just get ignored. But I am worried that our son is learning to be very spoilt and he will find it hard to be socially accepted by his peers.   Like any child he is very much influenced by his closest relatives. Our niece on my wife's side who he sees regularly is 6 and is a very difficult child. Her dad hasn't been around since she was born so I understand that it is really hard for my sister in law. But she very rarely disciplines her and she is very aggressive with other kids, hates sharing her toys and pretty much does whatever she wants without many consequences. There is always drama when the family get together. All the other kids happily play together but our niece is always fighting over her toys and it gets very tiresome. She vary rarely sits at the table during tea time and still has major tantrums at 6 years old. My son has already picked up some bad habits from her and I'm worried that he is going down the same path. The last thing I want is for him to become aggressive with other kids and then feel left out or isolated.   At this point our son is pretty much dictating most things in our life. I'm not allowed to do his bed time stories cos he will scream for his mum. When he wakes up in the morning he is fine until he realises it's my turn to get up with him. He will then scream saying he wants mummy not daddy and his screaming lasts for about 30 minutes. Last night my wife said she would make tea only for my son to cry and scream saying he wanted me to make tea so that she could watch tv with him. These are just a few examples of his everyday demands.   The last time we had a health visitor come to our house we told her all of this. Her first comment was that he was ruling the roost and we needed to address it and not let him get what he wants. She pretty much repeated everything I had been telling my wife for months but as soon as she heard it from the health visitor my wife agreed with it all. It's like she needed to hear it from someone else other than me for it to register with her. Her argument was that our son was too young to be disciplined which the health visitor was having none of. It was actually a huge relief to hear someone echo my thoughts.    But since then nothing has changed and we're still going through the same routines when he has a tantrum. If I'm dealing with him I'll let him cry it out, me and my wife will then argue about me 'punishing him' then she will pick him up, comfort him and a lot of the time eventually give him what he wants. I've tried to explain that even the act of comforting him at these times is making it seem like she is 'saving' him from me the 'bad guy'. She will always make an excuse too and say his is just tired every time he cries.   The most recent example of this behaviour was last weekend when we went away with her family for her dad's birthday. There were roughly 7 families together with kids and it was one of their birthdays whilst we were there so we had a little birthday party. Whilst all the kids were singing happy birthday our son was crying and screaming because another kid had a toy he wanted. He spent the whole weekend having tantrums and demanding sweets and ignored everything we asked him to do. Then as we were leaving the resort to go home he saw a toy shop and said he wanted a toy and began to cry after I initially said no. I was ignored as always and my wife bought him a 'prize'.    The weekend before we were at my sister's wedding and after the ceremony my wife spent the whole of the meal time in another room with him and his toys because anytime she tried to bring him to sit with us at the table he kicked and screamed. She had to eat her food on her own in the other room and missed all the speeches.   So I just want to know am I being too harsh on him and my wife and do I just need to chill out and accept that this is part of him growing up and he will eventually grow out of it? I just want what is best for him long term even if it means being more strict on him now as the last thing i want is for him to find it difficult interacting with other kids later in life.   Any help will be really appreciated.   thanks   ps.  The funny thing is that just before I wrote this my wife had to end a call with her brother because my son spent the whole time asking for sweets and started getting more and more upset cos my wife wouldn't get off the phone. Against my wishes my wife ended the call, got dressed out of her pyjamas and has driven to the shop full of cold to get him sweets. She has returned with a huge bag of sweets and a toy for him.  ... View more