Hi @nik_579 ,
I imagine it must have come as a pretty massive shock to you and your wife to find those videos and messages on your daughter's account. I can hear how much you both love and cherish your daughter and how important your relationship is to you - those are all wonderful things, that will help you to navigate these really tricky conversations and topics with her.
ReachOut have developed some resources to help parents have these tricky conversations with their teenagers- we have a great article about talking to teenagers about pornography here .
Pornography use is pretty common among Australian teens - a 2016 study found that 44% of kids aged 9-16 in Australia had viewed some form of porn in the last month. Kids will often look for porn for a range of reasons - to satisfy their curiosity, explore feelings about their sexuality, learn more about sex, and so it's important to be able to have an informed, open and honest conversation with your daughter about it.
If she is using a tablet to message boys from school and send sexual content, it may also be wise to have a chat with her about the potential risks that come with that - like people saving her messages and images if she's shared them, and sharing them on without her consent. We have an article here about teens and sexting which gives a good run-down on a lot of those issues.
You mention that your wife also saw your daughter naked and touching her body while watching a video - I imagine that would have been incredibly uncomfortable for your wife! It does sound like your daughter is beginning to explore her sexuality, and though I appreciate it might be uncomfortable it could be a good time to start having more conversations with her about sex, sexual health, and consent. Kids will often look at porn partly because of curiosity about sex, but it obviously isn't always the best or most realistic way to learn about safety, consent, and what realistic intimate relationships look like. A lot of kids will start to explore their own bodies well before they become sexually active with other people, and it can be a safe way for them to learn about their sexuality.
These are all massively tricky conversations to have - I have a child who's only 2 years younger, and I can't quite imagine how I would feel in your situation. If you think it could be helpful for you/ your wife to chat to a parenting coach/ counsellor about this, we do offer a free one to one service where you can talk to an experienced counsellor. You can find out more and access that service here.
Your daughter sounds like a lovely kid, and you sound like really switched on parents - good luck with it all, and feel free to check in here any time.
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