Hi @lucille I would be angry too. Once you have calmed down a little I'd tell her how angry that makes you. $1300 is a lot. I don't know what punishment fits in your family. If my kids did that they would loose internet access, probably for a couple of weeks. I would make a fuss, because she needs to know that is wrong. At the same time I wonder if you have found something to motivate her (money). Obviously you don't want her buying drinks and ciggies for her friends (that's another issue), but maybe she spends it on other stuff too. I guess we all understand the need to fit in with a crowd, and a little money might help. Maybe she can do chores for pocket money or get a job? Both of those can be positive things for kids. I believe kids should learn that if you work, you get money. If you sit around all day you do not get paid. Having said that I'm amazed at how reluctant my teenagers are to do chores for cash ("Can I have some money?" "Sure, I'll give you $10 if you mow the front lawn"...."Nahhhh, I'll do without" -- It's a 15 minute job!!!!) Cheers
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Firstly it sounds like you and your son are well on top of all the other issues going on and have a pretty open and trusting relationship which is awesome. He is soon to be 17, and not at school so he probably feels he is more of an adult these days. I definitely think talking to him and approaching this issue in a way that treats him like an adult (even though of course he is a fair way off that!) may bring about better outcomes.
Chatting about why he has taken it up, and talking about it really being unhelpful alongside his mental health issues as well as the fact that if he likes playing sports or being active or if he is active and physical in his job then it will really hinder him. Its hard because a lot of those reasons are longer term and they seem to just see the here and now.
I hope the conversation goes smoothly with him - pop back in and let us know how it goes?
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Hi @Trapet, I'm just wondering how things have panned out for you and your son. I can relate to your situation so well, and I think that by allowing your son a choice was an awesome move. I'm interested to hear what he decided.
Education can be so stressful when our kids are struggling or refusing to go, but we are lucky these days to have more understanding and support that kids mental health has to come first. There are various study avenues they can follow when they choose.
My daughter ended up being enrolled with distance education which has been a great move for us. She was refusing to go to school, and she is now only doing the core subjects in middle school, so is ineligible to go on to Years 11 & 12. However without this enrolment she likely would've ended up with no education at all. She has plans to go to TAFE or Uni next year instead, which for me is such a huge relief!
Despite what schools say, they have a long way to go to get a handle on preventing and stopping bullying. The serious issue isn't dealt with well enough, and our kids are suffering because of it. My daughter was told she needed to toughen up, and got into trouble one day after going the year advisor after she was bullied. Not okay!!
We'd love to hear how your son is progressing if you have a few moments.
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Hi @lucille, I'm so glad we have been able to support you and help you realise you're not alone in what you are going through. That knowledge in itself made such a difference to me, as I was like you - the only one I knew of going through it.
Personally, I think you're very wise to look at all of this before he turns 18, and while you have time with him at home for 6 months it provides the perfect opportunity. Good on you!
As you are the parent, you absolutely have the right to have your say with the dr and psychiatrist, and push for things to work the way you feel is best. I have had to battle bureaucracy to make the system work for us, so don't be afraid to stand up for what you need for your your son. My daughter's mental health care was moved closer to where we live, but the new team couldn't prescribe her medication under the PBS. I couldn't afford her all medications paying full price, and wanted to have scripts from her old psychiatrist, but have her seen by the new team in our area and have the psychiatrists communicate with each other. The new team said they couldn't do that, it was against their policies to see a child but not be prescribing. I argued my case and took it to the top, and had things work the way I needed.
We're all backing you!
Oh, and to tag someone use the @ symbol then it will bring up people in the conversation for you to tag
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You are so right in what you say @Trapet, it's all about choosing the right battles so there's no constant conflict! With mental illness you do have to sway with the wind to a certain extent, and it sounds like you have a great understanding. My daughter has done well with distance ed, but I do know it isn't the answer for all, and I will say it took a little while for her to settle into it as she'd missed the first 3 terms last year. I've been told that there is still a lot of resistance from kids with similar illnesses to mine. Have you found a pathway that suits your son? Mine insists she is finishing up this year.
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Hi @lucille . Oh boy this sounds familiar ! My husband is the disciplinarian too and my kids seek him out and are affectionate with him all the time !! Boy it irritates me ! I agree with @Ngaio-RO that you should disengage if he is verbally abusive or touches you at all . What I found interesting in your comments were that you back up your husband when he complains about his Dad however , when your son is disrespectful to you infront of your husband he does not support you . I understand what your husband is saying regarding you fighting your own battles with him but you are a team .May I make a suggestion ? Perhaps bring this up with your husband , during a positive relaxed time together and let him know how supportive and loyal you are about him when your son is being negative about his Dad , and say that it would be great if we could be a " united team " when it comes to discipline as you both need help to moderate each other when it comes to the " best practice " collaborative management skills of your son . Say it would help you and make you feel supported enormously if he backed you up sometimes (Request rather than a demand ) As you said your son is difficult and has a lot of issues , and two heads are always better than one even with a child without mental health issues ! This may not have an impact immediately but you find your husband ponders on this a while and the next time the boy is lashing out at you you may get a more nuanced supportive response ? Just an idea...
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